i made a very very very stupid mistake today. hate myself for that. hate the fact i'm too careless! in fact, i've been so careless every single day! it's not that i really want to be one. i'm trying hard to be careful but fast. what's with my project partner is sort of.. well i don't know if it's just me or things are not so good between us. i don't know why at times he screams at me. it's like, he's been talking and laughing with others and when it comes to me he gets all serious and angry. perhaps i'm the boring one. yes that angry tone. like at times he screams at me. and of course i feel stupid. so stupid stupid stupid stupid. i'm slow. i'm careless. well he's not at fault. i am. i admit that i am. and the others, they were nice too. i am the one who's still too shy. i mean, my free spirited side is still active. they talk about grown up stuff. married couples stuff. while i'm left there hanging. hence the strong attraction towards the bachelorette group. we're about the same age you know. although two are either two years younger or older, we could still have that small talks together. and all those family troop, well i'm trying to avoid them as much as i could. what's with the camera above my head and the weird manager. and i still have no idea whether they're all good together or just struggling to put up with each other. and some days i go home, i have to go through "getting patience course".

i'm sorry i just had to rant all these out. i'm just really really really mentally tired. it's been a month. and every single time i go, i'm struggling to tell myself not to quit now.

you know what, one year seems too far now.

jadi semalam sebabkan aku sedikit hormonal, aku pun tengok movie pinoy tajuk "starting over again". bukan main membuak mood cinta aku semalam. akakaka. cerita dia sedap untuk dilayan sekali seumur hidup. pengajarannya bagus jugak.
 first love always left us the deepest wound.
broken family and the child's huge insecurities is no joke.
be thankful for every calamities that brings out the best in you. you know you need to go through that, don't you?
second chance is not a fairytale. in fact, we always deserve to get one.
every failed relationship needs a proper closure.
if you loved someone (in a boy-girl relationship way), be smart with term "let them free".

and most of all, ironically, starting over again is about moving on.

moving on also lah.

dah sebulan aku mulakan rutin baru. seronok? erm. entahlah. nak kata tidak tu tak la, nak kata ye pun tak la. masih awkard. masih tak dapat "in" dengan perbualan diorang. masih terlalu awal untuk judge. i'll give myself 3 months. 4 at most. dan aku masih melalui hari-hari yang mana aku rasa lembab dan bodohnya la aku ni buat tugasan diberi. tapi takpe. kita teruskan buat saje. nak menjerit ke herdik ke, lantak lah. janji aku usaha untuk rezeki yang barakah.

masih mencari. masih.

"selamat menjadi actual. kalau dulu idealist."

ada betulnya cakap pakcik aku ni. makin variety perangai manusia aku mula kenal.

ada satu perasaan
hujan renyai-renyai
bantal empuk, tilam buruk
dinding berlubang
siapa jalan kita tahu
kipas pusing
satu
dua
tiga
empat
lima
oh
pukul sepuluh
bangun bersiap
berpayung meredah
hujan renyai-renyai
ada satu kesejukan semulajadi
dan udara segar
masuk ke bilik-bilik yang dipilih
tarik kerusi
pusing belakang
mula cerita

ada satu perasaan

oh ye.
aku ingatkan momen-momen "muka kau ni macam muka ...." dah tamat lepas aku habis pembelajaran secara formal.
rupa-rupanya makin galak.
tak tau nak rasa apa.

paling mendebarkan, ex-ofismate kakak ipar merangkap senior kos aku (perempuan la) siap sentiasa memandang aku dari jauh sebab rupa aku macam kawan lama dia. sejibik giteww.

paling awkward, bini dan anak kawan bapak yang tetibe tengok aku pastu kata muka aku macam saudara diorang. sejibik jibik gitew. like soooo sejibik sampai kau rasa nak peluk cium sebab ingatkan memang sedara sedaging.

ya muka aku memang muka yang familiar. i'm fine with that. berharap dapat mengubat kerinduan anda terhadap sesiapa la tu yang muka macam aku.

ada hari serba tak kena.
rasa nak lari pergi tinggalkan semuanya.
ada hari buat aku nak tersenyum memanjang.
macam satu jalan baru yang berbatu tapi indah.
mohon keberkatan dari Allah untuk setiap saat langkah.

:)