so dah sampai hari terakhir 2017. dah minit-minit terakhir pun. hahah.

erm. dah dalam 2 minggu jugak aku fikir apa aku nak sum up kan 2017 ni. dah godek post lama 2 3 4 5 6 kali. dah fikir-fikir. dan masih gagal untuk buat ringkasan macam tahun-tahun sudah. this is new. or maybe, i just had get it over with and forget about them.

kalau 2015 aku mengeluh, 2016 aku belajar bersyukur, 2017 mungkin boleh aku katakan tahun aku belajar menghargai kesihatan. tahun paling banyak aku pergi hospital (setakat ni). dan berkali-kali dahi jatuh bersujud kepada Yang Maha Esa atas sebab-musabab yang entah aku tak tau nak karang macam mana.

untuk 2018, satu je lah aku harap. orang-orang yang aku sayang (dan diri aku sekali la) sentiasa dilindungi dari penyakit dan sentiasa sihat walafiat. untuk 2018 aku nak buat target. mungkin next post insya Allah. alah berapa minti je lagi nak masuk tahun depan.

harapan-harapan yang tersimpul mati. nanti aku karang ok. nak kejar tarikh post hari ni. kuang3.

nengok movie tadi siang. cerita romentik gicheww. then ada scene couple tu pergi dating. jalan-jalan. then it hit me that i don't know how to do those things anymore. you know.. falling in love, getting all giddy and go on dates. or just going out with friends and talk. i don't do talking anymore these days. to strangers i mean. talking to friends, well i could go on for hours. but that's only applicable for my really, really close friends. kawan yang jarang jumpa, i think i'll freeze up. see that's the thing. i don't talk as much anymore. tambahan pula dah tak rutin bergayut-gayut. what have i become uhuhuhuhu.

anyway, i think i'm not interested to start new relationship or make new friends. too lazy to think of what to talk about. kalau naik public transport pun aku cucuk telinga dengar sesuatu dan malas nak tegur orang sekeliling. lagi pulak sekarang dah rutin naik public. huhuhu.

my life is going on a straight line. plain. boring. and i'm enjoying it. no new adventure needed. cukup la nak sesuaikan diri dengan environment keje baru. aku rasa tu la penyebabnya aku malas nak into new relationship of any sort. bitter old woman. hahaha. seriously. malas.

Am using phone. So weird. Got no taptaptap sound.

Been scrolling through instagram n twitter a lot. Friends are either sharing n ranting about marriage, their children, work stuff or them being youthful & enjoying life with friends and whatnot. Truthfutlly am a bit jealous looking at y'all's photos enjoying time going to concerts, sleepover or just eating out with friends. Here i am. Neither married with kids nor being youthful but appeared to be both.

Am i complaining? I'm not sure. It sure felt like re-livin my early 20s. Except i'm older now. I remembered seeing photos shared online of my friends going out without me and felt left out. There i learned that i shouldn't shove my hapiness or simply anything online or even in real life cause unknowingly, someone might felt what i felt then. It's best to be thankful for the good times and silently pray everyone else would have them too.

Wow. I really don't like blogging on the phone. Not in google format either. I miss blogger.com/start 10 years back.

wow blog ni dah 4 tahun. satu pencapaian. haha.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

dah banyak kali taip padam taip padam tak jadi2 nak tweet. entah.

in between satu malam yang tiba-tiba kat hospital,
2 malam baby nangis sepanjang malam,
2 siang yang panjang dan merisaukan,
dan aku yang entah ke kiri entah ke kanan.

antara kesyukuran adalah kerja yang tak demanding off office hour macam dulu. setakat ni. haha. Alhamdulillah.

sebenarnya aku pun tak tau nak describe. semuanya laju berlalu. dan aku yang kaku. kau tau perasaan yang takde perasaan? numb. kebas. macam tu lah rasanya. makin kebas, makin mudah rasa nak bergelak ketawa. dan menangis. tanpa rasa. tanpa jiwa.

banyak kali tersinggah dalam fikiran aku. setahun yang lalu dan setahun yang kini. setahun yang tak terjangka mana aku hari ni. who knows i'm an mrt regular now. who knows i'd be working in area i've always wanted to avoid and not hating it as much as i thought i would. haha. who knows i'd feel that not getting married is fine and not just trying to hard to convince myself that it is. it feels so surreal to reflect back on what i had then and now. all praises due to Allah, yang mengatur hidup ini dengan penuh hikmah.

i just realised that when i fall, i fall real hard. i'd give anything and everything and it's only for the one and that one to know. i don't do blind dates. i don't do exchanging numbers and try to see if it's working. i just go serious and straightforward. i guess i knew now why it feels fine. masa baru-baru masuk hari tu ade la persoalan-persoalan status relationship (which is so weird because people don't really asked me before). i guess it's a thing there. declaring one's status. which is weird for me since i don't actually admit to having one before. i guess that trying to preserve it forever is more important than declaring to the world.

sebenarnya aku masih lagi prefer blogger.com/start yang asal berbanding blogger google account ni kbaibai.

i don't remember what was on my mind a year ago. but i was either feeling anxious or thankful.

it's been 2 months. new daily routine. a fixed one, again. less resentment, more accepting. i've probably unconsciously aged more than i thought. haha. Alhamdulillah. so far so good. it's enough if i could be thankful and only prioritize God with every steps that i take.

sedar atau tak, Tuhan dah makbulkan doa-doa aku yang terucap dan tersimpan. dengan hikmah-hikmah manis yang tersembunyi dan nyata.

Allahuakbar.

on the side note, boleh tahan banyak jugak kawan-kawan nak kawin dalam masa terdekat ni. yang baru kahwin pun ramai. hihu. i'm happy for every single one of you :) . termasuklah crush-crush lama yang tak pernah kesampaian hahahahaha. honestly, it feels like a closure hearing the news. mula-mula memang la rasa ala-ala patah hati gichewww hahahaha. but after a moment of telling yourself that no no not my rezeki then it's all good. hehehehe.

entah mana aku baca. rasa macam dari ig ku rina. ke blog dia. saying that, being a muslim doesn't mean that you have to deny that you're feeling sad and hopeless. but it is about directing that feelings towards the right way. yes you're sad. yes you're mad. yes you so hope that it doesn't happen. accept that. accept the fact that you're a human with feelings. accept that feelings you're denying. because if you're not feeling it, what are you moving on from?

on unrelated note (maybe), i have imagined it for quite some time now. i guess that if i were to live the rest of my life not married, i'd accept that. i mean, how will living in denial benefit me anyway. i've had my fair share in life. Allah has and will bless me with so much i could never finish counting my blessings. of course at times i'd get lonely. but i'll just have to accept it anyway. accepting the fact that i might not have a shoulder to hold on to. or the fact that i'd grow old without ever feeling my own child massaging my back. or that i might be staring at families when they have their day out, thinking that ahh what a happy scene. as for now, i'm just thankful for the chance of spending my days with my parents while they are still living.

i watched knowing bros ep. 24 and ucop's video dedicated for his father's birthday.

a mixed of emotions.

to mami, to dedi,
for raising me up,
for never giving up on me,
for your hopes and prayer,

most of all,
for your love,
i can never thank you enough.

for not being able to keep standing on my own just yet,
for not helping you around as much,
for my rudeness,
for raising my voice,
to you who have taught me to speak,
for walking away,
from you who taught me to walk,
i'm beyond sorry...

you've seen me through my darkest days,
from not being able to do anything on my own,
till i'm the me today.

you've helped rise up to my shiniest days,
it might seemed like i was standing on my own two feet,
but your invisible hands will always be there,
unknowingly shown.

i'll forever be grateful to you.

i like to re-read what i wrote. i don't care if it sounds narcissistic. i wrote for me. i am my own audience. i wrote based on what i feel. hence why i've put any writing related career off the table, long, long time ago. because writing, for me, is an art. a way of expressing something i strongly feel about. i may train to write for people but i just to keep it as it is.

and i'm always glad i did.