Alhamdulillah bertemu lagi kita dengan bulan Ramadhan tahun ni. makin tahun makin memberi makna yang lebih mendalam..

tapiiiiiiii, Ramadhan tahun ni beza sikit. sungguh, paling tak pernah aku bayangkan. i even said that i'd never doing it this way but here i am. Allah sure got unique plans for each of us kan.. huhuhu..

tak terfikir dan tak terasa pun lainnya tu sampai la hari ketiga Ramadhan. dalam suasana tak berapa nak hening. duduk bertiga semeja. aku bawak keluar bekal puding roti. azan. makan. masa makan tuh, dia punya feeling tu, fuh. syahdu beb. hahaha.. last berbuka dengan kawan pun masa first year dulu sebelum cuti sem tukar untuk synchronize dengan summer break. weiii rasa dia syahdu takleh nak cakap. macam masatu baru rasa. aku tak pernah langsung fikir aku akan berbuka dengan senario ni. lepasty syahdu gila tahun ni ramadhan kena kongsi fokus dengan perihal duniawi. aku macam, alaaa sayangnyaaa. and now already 21st Ramadhan. 20 hari tu aku syahdu je feeling kena kongsi dengan hal duniawi padahal aku tetap berfokus pada Ramadhan ehehehehe. except for 2 nights each week. hari siang tu cam biasa je hehehe.

now dah 3 minggu aku rasa macam cuti dah. i need to get my shizz together and move ma ass to complete some works. last year aku demotivated tEr0xX after midsem dan aku macam ni lah, khayal je hahaha. this sem tak demotivated seteruk tu tapiiiiii feeling nak fokus Ramadhan tuuu.. terus hilang pace. huhuhu... i blame nothing & no one else but me. next week dah final week dah. fuh it sure flies by so fast!! i really am not sure whether i'm gonna make it this time...

ahh.. senanye aku nak bebel pasal sorang ni aku folo medsos dia. dah hilang mood pula hahaaha. aku rasa kena masuk gua balik la minggu depan sampai siapppp kerja. youtube boleh masuk sekali tak? aku ni medsos boleh deactivate tapi lepastu bukak youtube hahahaha haukk betul.

anyway, just wanna say that i love my country and i love being a Malaysian!! u guys yang dah duk luar dah duk oversea sedap-sedap tu kalau rasa negara u guys duduk tu best sangat, duduk je la situ diam-diam eh takyah la nak merendahkan negara yang secara bertulisnya adalah negara warganegara u guys tapi u guys tak duduk negara tersebut pun. kalau rasa u guys dah tak Malaysian, sila la tukar je warganegara u guys tu. habis cerita. lepastu u guys nak kutuk pun sukati u guys la sebab u guys are not part of us anymore. babaii~

rasa macam tak lepas je kali ni. not sure how many times have i thought of giving up. again and again but here i am, barely able to survive this road i took. ada 2 kegagalan menanti tapi kita bersedia je lah untuk gagal kali ni. nak berharap pun nanti penat nak belajar move on dengan kesilapan sendiri. i really miss having partner at times like this. i always do but times like this is special. someone who'd be willing to hear me rant. Allah has blessed me with someone before. i am thankful for the time He let me had my way. now i just want to let it all go and live according to His way. aku dah taknak apa-apa lagi. aku harap kekal macam ni sampai meninggal & bertemu Tuhan.

aku dah mula nak masuk fasa kesedihan balik. mungkin ni rutin tahunan. sampai la aku jumpa apa pengajaran Allah nak suruh aku belajar...

 aku sebenarnya tengah tunggu nak transfer segala benda dalam fon ni ke komputer. penat la nak marah sorang-sorang sebab tak tau punca malware memanjang. dah berbulan ni. malas sebenarnya sebab banyak sangat barang dalam fon hahaha. mungkin ni permulaan Ramadhan untuk aku. have a clean phone. aci tak?

anyway aku ada lagi 2 esemen write up dan 1 correction nak kena buat. aku sedih sebenarnya Ramadhan kali ni kena kongsi fokus dengan komitmen duniawi. tapi tulah. dah aku pilih jalan ni. kena belajar untuk adjust & adapt la nampaknya. serius sedih..

tapi dalam masa yang sama aku sangat bersyukur sebab 2 malam pertama Allah bagi chance aku solat terawikh full. Dia je tau betapa rindunya aku nak solat jemaah after work but due to commitment i choose, i just didn't do it. aku tak rasa ada perkataan yang mampu gambarkan perasaan aku ni. just.. feeling blessed being able to do it.. and feeling blessed for being able to feel blessed.

ahhhh. me ranting as usual. fikir-fikir balik, kadang-kadang tu datang jugak rasa sunyi bersendiri. ada hari datang la berangan nak jumpa someone kita nak panggil baby saiyaaaang ke. haha. tapi makin hari aku makin belajar untuk jadi "terbiasa". aku belajar untuk enjoy momen-momen aku berkeinginan. dan akhirnya aku belajar untuk lepaskan je la perasaan aku. di umur ni, nak mencari jodoh bukan benda yang senang-senang. unlike 10 years ago when i was more open and eager to meet someone new. and had the energy haha. now i have baggage. i don't want a lot of things. i tend to cancel people out so easily and early. is it a good or bad thing? entahlah.

ah. phone transfer done. nak reformat. and new life tomorrow. haha taklah.
saying goodbye to toon blast. you've been a great companion until i was bored with you. thank you toon blast. thank you memories. i shall move on a little now.

Alhamdulillah presentation berjalan dengan lancar. hihihihhi.. walaupun i crap a lot but it was fine lah.. present.. not reading from slides okay...

just want to share this story.. tiba-tiba teringat cerita dalam 8 ke 9 tahun lepas. aku ada sorang childhood friend ni yang sama tadika & sama sekolah rendah sampai darjah 1. darjah 2 pindah & lost contact terus. throughout friendster & facebook aku cuba cari dia but faileddd. entah berapa kali cuba cari dan fail sefail failnye.

one night i dream of this friend. aku tak ingat secara detail tapi seingat aku, she was crying in my dream. macam dia terseksa gituh. crying for help. so lepas bangun aku pun cuba la sekali lagi search fb dia and guess what.. i finally found her! subhanallah. after all those years and trying to locate her online. aaaaand guess whatttt.. dia sebenarnya friend dengan kawan-kawan aku & punya la banyak kali aku nampak profile dia and punya la signifikannya kewujudan dia dalam circle kawan-kawan aku selama sebelum tu huahuahuaaaa.. actually ada back story hehehe but all good now.

i contacted her and sent friend request. reconnected and went to her wedding years after. she seems happy & of course i'm happy to see her happy. i never asked about the dream i had then and i have no idea if there's any reason to it. kalau ada pun, i hope that it's for good one.. like to push me to find her.

oh did i mentioned about my cheeky classmate? he's really something. he so remind me of my younger cheerful, no responsibility self. i think my friends can relate. dengan dia mintak ig lekcerer kan. hahahaha.. even my classmates enjoyed his presence. if he's a little older & a little more matured mungkin aku dag ngorat dia. but yeah. feeling died now. not sure when will it come back but i'll enjoy whatever i have while it lasts...

salam ramadhan. moga Ramadhan tahun ni lebih baik dari sebelumnya..

my head is about to explode from absorbing these much information. i'm not sure whether i'm able to make it but praying that Allah will make it ease. skarang baru nak doa kan!!! huhuhu..

anyway replacement class sabtu lepas (semalam ha ha rasa macam dah lama sangat kan sebab baca tak benti huahuahuaaaaa). so i had lunch with my 2 classmates both 4 and 5 years younger than me huahuahuaaaa hakak memang rasa muda je uollsss!! one china one ya local armpunk gurl. talking to that china dude has always been refreshing. i mean, he's a fresh grad and he does look so fresh!! hahaha.. he remind me of my guy classmates when were that age & phase. still fresh still innocent still have the will to get to know people around still eager to explore the world still felt that we could change the world easily!! hahaha.. lepastu otw balik kelas tiberr sebut "kaka kaka kakak" . ye dikkk memang akak ni kakak dikkk. hahaha.. selalunya deyolss dakdak china ni guna google trasnlate nak communicate. sian pun ada jugak dalam kelas ngajor dalam english kan. tapi tu lah nak buat camne. negara orang bahasa orang kan kena la redha miscommunication huhuhu...

lepas kakak, abang. lepastu adik. mama. bapak. monotonous gituh hahaha..

ahh.. i feel old. they always make me realise how old i actually am. walaupun mereka sering menyalah anggap ai ni umur-umur deyols jua.. hahaha.. ye dikk hakak ni nampak je muda tapi jiwa tu ada kertu sikit :P

i've deactivate socmed to focus on my write up. seems that i forgot to remove blog to. hahaha.. oh wel..

banyak gila benda nak rant kat sini. but i choose only one. hahaha..

tonight kita cakap pasal jodoh. kahwin. couple. ah semua benda tu lah!

you see, menuju penghujung 20an tak seindah khabar. actually tak pernah dengar yang indah pun haha. bila kau dah mula masuk umur menghampiri 30an, tiba-tiba segala kawan/saudara/keluarga sekeliling pinggang kau mula usaha carikan calon untuk kau. i am not sure if everyone is also going through the same phase with me atau memang Tuhan letakkan time aku sekarang ni untuk berada di fasa ini. i mean, you know what i mean i know what you mean you know........ all these while i'm still with him, no such thing ever happened! sepertinya Tuhan memelihara saya begitu rupa ya...

ah just sharing some that i remember. sorang member nak offer member dia duda anak dua la. lepastu marketkan ustaz hensem la. lepastu pakcik terus cakap "ha ada kawan-kawan yang kosong lagi tak" kat asben sepupu yang sebaya aku. also one time, a friend, out of sudden wassep gua "kau nak kawen takk nak berkenalan dengan orang takkk" like whattttttttttt. hahahaha. seriusli tak pernah langsung la sebelum tahun ni! while i enjoy it with a good laugh, i'm honestly not ready yet. biarlah hati ini terbuka bila yang lalu benar-benar berlalu. aiceh...

people around me are more anxious about me not getting married yet. i've come to term with myself that marriage will happen when Allah wills. seriusli it's only april tapi sedara/kawan cakap pasal nak kunun kenalkan ni meningkat pula ya. tak tau nak rasa apa. hahaha..

to each that come, buat aku akan terfikir. jenis overthinking kan. hahaha.. contohnya bila kawan aku cakap pasal member duda anak dua, terfikir la aku eee boleh ke aku ni ada anak ekspress. n the anser is of course a definite no. haha.. n then bila member tiba-tiba wassep nak kenalkan orang, aku jadi terfikir ee serius ke ni siapa la ni eee dia pernah jumpa aku ke. lepastu bila member marketkan ustaz, menerawang jadiknya aku stalk dan fikir eee takleh ngam la dengan orang macam ni macam bakal banyak kena berkorban perasaan je plus macam dunia berbeza sangat. oh mengggg.. menuju 30 ni nak tak nak memang kita semua dah ada baggage masing-masing..

in less than 6 months, some have called me giving all these comments for being choosy. yang main anggapkan tak kahwin sebab memilih pun iye. tell me whether finding righteous spouse and being clicked/ngam is being choosy? the person called me being choosy also used to tuntut fasakh but failed n currently always shared posts about her cheating husband. errrr.... i think u understand it more than anyone that being this kind of choosy isn't a bad idea?

i don't need to justify this but i honestly am fine being single now..

i'm not in a rush to get into another relationship. biarlah jodoh datang pada masa yang sesuai.

yang lebih penting, moga hubungan kita dengan Tuhan lebih dekat & baik. yang ni lagi penting kot daripada fikir jodoh huhuhu...

buttt.. i'm enjoying this phase while it lasts!! :)

i have a confession.

today i lose my starbucksginity. kikikikikiiii...

tak tak bukan first time minum stabak. tapi first time duk cari stabak sebab nak wifi nak buat keje huahuahuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. aku selalu la fikir eeee ape la nak buat kerja kat stabak kan boleh je nak buat kat rumah ke ofis ke kat uni masing-masing mesti ada tempat untuk buat kerja. but todeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hahahahahahaha!! well it's sunday. library closed earlier. the common area will also be quite sunyi. i can't focus at home since my personal space will only be available in about one week time. but i reaaaallyyyyy need to get some materials at least bergerak la sikit kerja aku huhuhuhu. after some thought (thinking really hard okay :3), i went out to find one!! hahaha!! man, stabakginity did cost me about 3 days of lunch. i did have my good one hour focus Alhamdulillah. manage to get a tiny space at the corner of the shop. man that's like a jackpot to me huhu. i'll never view coffee shops the same again after this.....

but still!! aku tetap tak setuju bab student study in mcd. study kot. it's group discussion. and fulltime student kot. at the very least, u have library. kedai kopi-kopi is like designed for business meeting & temporary personal workspace. not really for group work discussion... open space is more likely.

well that's my losing starbucksginity story.. which cost me a good RM17.80 *lap peluh*

i didn't went for the feeling of it. i really just need a personal space for a short while. huhuhu

next to me was a table of three. i sure didn't mean to eavesdrop but the volume and story, mannnn.. i can't help it. hihuhihuhihu

hmm. ape benda la aku nak merepek ni.

banyak je benda yang aku nak merepek ni tapi tu lah.. tu lah tuu.. huhuhu

anyway mari kita mulakan dengan betapa charming nya park bo gum nyiahahahahaha!! last time aku tengok love in the moonlight takde la nampak dia ni hensem mana tpai baru-baru ni tiba-tibaaaa la kannnnn.. tiba-tiba sangat dia hensem. hahahaha. boy. am back to crazying over k-celebs. it's been about 10 years i think. semenjak start asasi dan kemudian jumpa partner, aku langsung stop gilakan kureaaaaaaa. about time before hallyu wave infected people around me. seingat aku, running man la yang berjaya menambat hati orang-orang yang kutuk kpop. hahahaha. well.. maybe i was a little busy with life and i finally had someone real i could called as partner. kpop ni dulu sekadar mengisi kekosongan yang tak kosong agichewwww...

butttttttttttttt. since the space if getting empty again i guess that's the reason why i'm starting to go krezi over k-celebs again. hahaha. nampak dah pattern tu kan. layan je lah. but at 27/8, aku dah tak boleh nak layan k-celebs macam dulu-dulu. i'm going krezi but i got limit now. i mean, i used to go crazy over cute kpoppers in youtube and berangan them being my boyfriend (sedar diri berangan ok jgn risau) and so so so want to know about their daily life & want to meet them. but now even park bogum yang charming ni, i like seeing him smile (charming takleh argue hahahaha) but as much as i love it, i only view it as his work. and he has his own life outside of this. mungkin sebab aku pun dah bekerja sekarang maka aku dah boleh emphatize dengan perbezaan kerja dan kehidupan. mungkin jugak sebab kematangan atau puberty hits me like a truck gituh kata anak-anak tuiterrr. man.. working really changed me. hahaha.

well park bo gum / bogummy.. i wish you a successful career. and as much as i'd love to see you being a successful celebrity, i wish that you're healthy and happy with your life.. don't sacrifice your life for your job.. it's not worth it. your own life is more precious... i hope you're going to meet a nice girl who is going to be your partner through good times & bad times..

this goes without saying to all k-celebs.. i enjoy your performance but please don't throw your life away... sedih senanye tengok celebs umur dah 40++ single and selalu cakap pasal lonely tak berteman. that's why i hope that bogummy will meet someone nice that suit him.. entertainment industry can be really harsh especially some of them are being exploited. contoh kes dbsk dulu la. diorang sign up time budak-budak, dapat offer macam wow, lepastu bukan orang senang-senang lak tuh. so it's like stepping on gold mine lah kan. but too bad they were being exploited in such a way... mungkin sebab ni aku macam dah tak mampu nak fangirling sangat macam dulu. see.. me fangirling now is so much different than before. i view them as human and worker before celebrities. i guess working has taught me at least this much.

wow cakap pasal k-celeb je dah berapa perenggan haha. anyway bercakap tentang emphatizing bogummy, ada sesuatu yang menjentik hatikuhhh baru-baru ini. i saw my friends tweeted about not signing up for gomen & other job searching site. and then i realised that if my life hadn't happen like how it happened for the past 3 years, mungkin aku juga tergolong sama dengan kawan-kawanku itu huhuhu. i think, this journey has build me some empathy towards those who didn't have it easy in some aspects of their life. aku nak elaborate tapi macam malas haha banyak sangat dah cakap kat atas tadi.

for now, i'm taking life as it is. belajar untuk redha dengan ketentuan Illahi. belajar untuk sabar dengan perkara-perkara yang aku takkan mampu ubah sendiri. belajar untuk meletakkan Tuhan di atas segalanya.

anyway, i have an interesting classmate. actually tak la interesting mana tapi dia mengingatkan aku pada diri aku yang carefree pada suatu masa dahulu. zaman degree yang penuh lucu-lucu. tak tau la berapa umur dia but i'm guessing at least 3-4 years younger. at least okay. could be more haha mujur theyolls sering tersalah sangka ai sebaya-sebaya theyolls juaa :P . well it's going to end soon so i'm just enjoying my time as much as i could. moga Allah redha.