tonight i just feel a little extra melancholic.

being stucked in between is still hard for me. when you know both sides of stories and yet you can't come and intervene between the greatest relationship between humans.

i once resisted. i used to get easily stressed by this one reason. i used to thought that life is unfair when i had to lived a little differently than the upper ones. but God knows the best. i am no mother yet i am babying my love. i have never bear a child yet i'm changing diapers. a joke i told myself, my mates are looking for the best price for diapers and milk for their kids. and there i was, looking for the same exact things for a special one.

i have never planned my life to be this way. i always thought i'd get married at 23. perhaps mother is the only one i knew then. and here i am, 5 years past the age. do i feel lonely? tonight i do. do i wish for my life to happen differently? never. a week ago i started to imagine myself being married to someone. someone unreachable. for the past week, it felt good. even if they were just wishful thinking. a year from now, if God wills for me to live that long, i probably won't remember who the heck was i imagining. i'd be laughing at how stupid i was. if i am still single, perhaps that feelings will come lingering on my mind. for another whole week.

after a while, i realised that he was just another version of someone precious to me. physically, you weren't much different. you share the same smile. the same eyebrows. the same voice. i guess i have only been imagining my life with that someone precious. will i ever be break free of my own thought? i don't know. i felt much stupider that my friend mentioned the name today. perhaps i've been mentioning the name too much in me that it started to appear on my forehead. stupid, yet true.

i love the both mothers. i love them too much i wish for their peace and serenity. i wish they'd understand one another and choose to stop resisting like i did.

i loved the someone precious to me. i can't really say the same thing for the other one. i don't know him personally. although we've shared the same air for the past decade. but i choose to stop resisted yet again. because i've learned that i could only let it go when i let it be free. i wish to stop seeing him in another person ever again. it happened 3 years back. when i met someone who is just 99% similar like someone precious to me. his way of thinking. his way of talking. and it is happening now.

i have no point to prove. this life sucks playlist from spotify made me into this person tonight.

and yet again, i miss you.