sedih. masih tak berjaya recover blog lagi satu. the last time aku tergerak untuk copy semua post mula-mula ingat nak buat co-author dengan account ni. tapi masa tu jadi macam aku copy je post tu. and now i only have posts until 2019. sedih. ada 4 lebih kurang 5 tahun punya post gone.

dah nak setahun try retrieve tapi still tak berjaya :(

no end of year post here. sebab malas. dan sebab dah buat kat blog satu lagi. haha

selalu je nak blog tapi malas nak membukak nye. nak menaip kat phone tak sama. takde bunyi taktuktaktuktaktuk menaip tu. feeling lebih kannnnn...

banyak sangat benda aku nak merepek sorang-sorang. tentang kehidupan. tentang moving on. tentang menerima. couldn't find the right words. but one thing i can say for 2021 is the year i let go (finally lol).

memasuki 2022 dengan bermacam pembaharuan yang tak dirancang namun diterima dengan hati yang terbuka. i felt a sense of relieve when i finally let go. of course it's nice to have someone to talk to. someone to lean on to when everything seems to fall apart. but i learned that those are not meant for me. i have to learn to stand up on my feet again. to not rely on someone else on my feels. and that one will give their every might if they wanted to stay.

so i've learned to build my walls again. to enjoy life. to be okay. to be cheeky again. hahaha

insya Allah turning 31 this year. it sounds much bigger than 30. i've never imagine what being 31 feels like. i did thought i'd get married in mid 20s but didn't think further than that.

 

 katil aku patah.

sebenarnya dah 16 ke 17 tahun patah. dulu-dulu dalam tingkatan 1 ke 2 camtu aku suka berangan lompat jauh. aku pun tak tau mana datang tah angan-angan tu hahaha. aku lari dari pintu lepas tu lompat atas katil ala-ala lompat jauh (macam la jauh sangat pintu dengan katil tu). sampai satu masa, aku tengah baring biasa je tiba-tiba prakkkkk patah. tanjat acik. rupanya kayu yang support tempat baring ni dah terkeluar dari landasan. beberapa kali jugak aku ikat pakai tali rafia tapi jatuh balik. lepastu tah cemane aku ikat pakai tali rafia dengan tak rafia, elok dah dia. kira power jugak la aku dapat ikat sampai tahan 16 17 tahun. aku suspek tali tu dah reput. plus duk baring bergolek lama sangat pkp dari tahun lepas. plus, gemok. hihihi..

beberapa tahun lepas kakak ipar aku pernah cakap, nanti kau kena lepaskan jugak katil single ni. maksud dia suatu masa nanti aku kahwin kena let go jugak katil ni. betul cakap dia aku kena byebye katil single. tapi katil single ni la sebab ganti dengan katil single lain wakakaka.. member aku jahaadddd. dia cakap, biasanya orang tukar katil ni sebab... nak kahwin... wakakaka aku tukar katil sebab patah dah gemokkkkkk. cedih titewwwww.

aku rasa part of the reason kenapa aku duk delay nak revamp my room ni sebab aku rasa macam a big part of me will be gone. bayangkan nak tukar katil ni pun aku ada rasa syahdu jugak. yela dah 18 tahun kot guna. katil ni memang part of me dah pun. haritu bila aku cerita kat bapak aku nak buang perabot-perabot ni ganti baru, dia macam, apeaal nak buanggg pakai je la. tapi la ni dia lak macam hmm buang je lah. kikiki.. aku rasa bapaj sendiri pun rasa sayang nak buang sama macam mana aku rasa. tapi untuk katil ni memang dah sampai masa. tilam ni pun lama dah lendut sebenarnya. tapi yela dah 18 tahun kan. jangkamasa yang sangat lama. perubahan dari zaman kanak-kanak ke zaman remaja ke alam dewasa. sebenarnya masa aku cerita kat bapak tu, aku sendiri pun rasa berat hati nak buang perabot-perabot ni. sayang sebab bapak yang sediakan dulu huhuhu.. tapi almari tu memang dah lama nazak sebenarnya. katil ni pun dah buat aku saki pinggang bila patah.

aku takde la nak harap makeover bilik boleh buat aku berubah. tapi sedikit sebanyak dapat la rasa nafas baru. it's not like the home i has always been used to tapi it still is my home where i grew up. aku harap aku cepat la settle ni.

fuyoo the last time aku post enjoying my birthday was when i turned 20. hahahaha ok lah tu. this year dalam pkpkpkpkpkp, rajin gegurls family aku hantar makanan dari jauh. thank you!!!! love you all!!!!! dari frap & kek setabak, pasta panas, buah & coklat delivery pastu ayam kyochon nye dari member. wahhhh.. feeling so lovedddd. hahaha.. bagi chance la fefeeling sikit. lama dah tak fefeeling gituuu :P

 

maybe next happy celebration is when i turn 40. kalau panjang umur. huhuhu.. mannnn.. 10 years flew by so fast...

halfway through 2021. buat julung kalinya aku nak tukar azam tahun ni.

redefine hubungan dengan Tuhan, manusia sekeliling & setiap aspek yang terkait dalam kehidupan.

ambik masa berdiam sekejap & hargai insan sekeliling yang Allah dah hadirkan dalam hidup aku selama ni.

tinggalkan apa yang aku tak ada.

:)

 so last post aku cakap last post sebelum tu adalah bulan jun. it's august. hahaha

 

well. favourite month of the year. hitting 30 insya Allah. lots of things to fix. one at a time gituhh. 7 bulan berlalu dan masih dalam pandemik. tahun depan macam mana? masih begini? lebih baik? lebih teruk? wallahu'alam. kepada Allah jua lah kita berserah.

baru je lepas bermonolog sendiri. something that i need. muhasabah balik. betulkan balik diri ni. not sure how to put them in words. rasanya aku dah languishing dengan jayanya. semua aim 2021 memang dah terkubur dengan jayanya juga. haha..

few days more to license expiry date. Alhamdulillah masih sihat. tak fit macam 10 tahun lepas but ok lah. tengah cuba nak fit balik. so maybe that's the only thing i'd do this year kot?

 wow last post in june. really nothing much to write. kat wattpad. kat personal blog. kat twitter pun. nothing much. huhuhu

mungkin sebab takde buat azam berjela dan details macam tahun sebelum-sebelumnya, aku takde expect pape pun tahun ni. dah tu buat azam tahun ni yang membawa kepada 2021 pulak tu haha. despite the unexpected pandemic, Allah dah bagi banyak sangat & permudahkan hidup aku. new more stable job. passed core subject masya Allah. dan sihat walafiat. the sad thing is i didn't thank as much.

so 2021, nak masuk 30, aku berharap untuk menjadi lebih tenang dan rileks. dan paling penting nak zahirkan kesyukuran sebanyak banyaknya. untuk orang-orang tersayang, mohon dikurniakan kesihatan yang baik dan bertambah-tambah iman dan taqwa.

setahun dulu aku tengah countdown nak pergi the place i've missed all my life sambil siap sedia nak habiskan sem. dah nak dekat exam masa tu.

 

this year i'm still here. heart full Alhamdulillah. my aim in 2020 was to find a partner & if that fails, aku teruskan 2021 dengan menghabiskan study dan nak mengembara. pukul 12 malam ni secara rasminya aku gagal dan aku kunci segala pintu hati yang ada untuk entah berapa lama. nampaknya tak kawen la aku 2021 ni since tak jumpa partner lagi. so, target 2021 adalah habiskan study & mengembara. dengan keadaan pandemik yang tak surut-surut ni aku rasa part mengembara tu aku kuncupkan ke dalam negara je lah. siapa sangka trip januari haritu adalah satu-satunya trip aku berjalan jauh tahun ni. i'm in awe every time i remember it. tak tau nak zahirkan macam mana sebab tak tau nak explain perasaan kecil dan kerdilnya diri ni..

so 2021, only thankfulness, habiskan study, jalan-jalan, mohon Allah kurniakan kesihatan buat diri dan orang-orang tersayang.

been trying to write here few times but end up crossing everything off. adulthood is confusing. when you had that rage, you can speak about anything. but then everything else kicks in and you'll stop and walk away. we're not very expressive anymore. we turned this considerate person who'd think of consequences before taking any move. and that's probably why i missed that one chance out.

i'm still not over what i did 3 months ago. i caught feels. i was confused with my own self. i let myself out once again. yet, i was afraid and didn't actually let myself all out. i was scared of another heartbreak. yes, staying at home was one of the reasons. but it wasn't the sole reason. i did have the intention to find a partner this year. i thought of utilising the quarantine time to do it. and when a non-cringed match came, i thought of giving it a try. but i was still afraid. of me. of that person. of just... anything. maybe he didn't make me confident enough to move. maybe i wasn't letting my past go yet hence i couldn't move. maybe it was a bit of both. but i realised that i was all ready to move. finally. maybe there's still bits & pieces left but i am no more clinging on to what was gone.

i miss having someone to talk to about anything. i miss hearing about someone's day. i miss clinging on to someone. i miss giving attention to someone. i miss the comfort in knowing there's someone who'd be willing to spend the rest of life with you... sharing your life together and strive to be better together...

i am thankful for the time i have with my family especially with my parents now. what i miss doesn't cancel that out..

takdir Tuhan, kalau berseorang itulah untuk aku, mungkin yang sebaiknya. mungkin masanya akan tiba jua aku perlu belajar untuk memeluk rasa kesunyian ini yang akan tiba menjengah sekali sekala.

Ramadhan! ^.^

Alhamdulillah direzekikan lagi untuk bertemu dengan Ramadhan tahun ni dalam keadaan sihat walafiat. moga Ramadhan kali ni lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

it felt so surreal. teringat balik. ramadhan tahun lepas. duduk kat kafe tunggu waktu buka dengan kawan-kawan. it hit me then. i never thought that i'd be celebrating ramadhan that way. huhuhu.. masa tu rasa dah cukup unik dah. tengok-tengok tahun ni lagi unik.

anyway, semuanya untuk kita syukuri. dan semuanya untuk menjadi asbab kita semakin dekat dengan Allah.

initially thought of doing my pending assignments but God knows how much distraction twitter is! hahah salahkan twitter kan. siap edit gambo lagi eiiiiiiiiiiii.

tak siapa dapat jangka apa yang akan berlaku. you think anyone would make 2020 resolution considering a month long movement control order? hahaha.. anyway, benda bersejarah dalam hidup la terlibat dengan kawalan pergerakan macam. i think i need to immortalise this in writing.
 january to march flew by really, really fastest. gitu punya laju kan..

apa-apa pun, aku bersyukur untuk setiap rezeki yang Allah dah bagi kat aku. on this date 2 bulan lepas, aku baru je habis jetlag dan masih konfius dengan panggilan telefon yang tak terjangka. a flow of confusion yet thankfulness. and here, two months after, i did not thought that i'd be here like this.

5 bulan aku bergolek. dan di hari pertama aku masuk tempat baru terus dpt announcement cuti. i was confused. to say whether it was a bless or otherwise. risau. but i've to term that everything i ever got is from Allah anyway. dan sesungguhnya setiap satunya punya hikmah manis untuk aku fikir dan syukuri. Alhamdulillah..

aku nak tulis beza goyang kaki 5 bulan dan sebulan ni kat tempat lebih public. tengok la kalau rajin hahaha.

maybe i should write somewhere else. hmm.

tonight i feel extra melancholy. rasa macam nak tengok movie sedih nangis-nangis je hahaha tebiat sehh..

1 year 7 months.

tests came with a multifold of hikmah. bapak told me today that perhaps he and mader would've been elsewhere instead of where we'd been to over a month ago. perhaps if i didn't decide to leave, he wouldn't have thought of going with mader and me. and the news of travel ban yesterday perhaps made him ponder deeply into what was unknown to us previously.

as angry as i was, perhaps it was the best to leave it right there and then. despite year long of resisting, perhaps it was the right place for me to be.

changed to crappier job. too mad at myself that it pushed me to continue my study. resulting in ending my almost decade long of relationship. struggling to cope while accepting qadr. finally calmed down and rebuild myself. yet again pushed to corner and took drastic decision to leave. and here i am today. unfolding these gifts from Allah, one after another.

Alhamdulillahillazi bini'matihi tatimmussolihat

bapak perhaps muhasabah a lot and said i brought barakah (referring to our last trip). i'm not sure. i think it was not me who brought it. but rather he himself did. it was him who spent that much just to bring me over. i only tagged along. and he has never been the stingy type when it comes to spending for goodness and livelihood of his family.


now where's that sad movie i was looking for............

fuh no post at all throughout january. actually ada je menaip tapi kat wattpad sebab malas gila nak bukak laptop hikhikhik..

aduh. banyak benda nak taip tadi tapi hilang dah. ciscoscus!!

ok la bai

dah nak dekat pukul 12. aku dah run through azam 2019 kat blog satu lagi jadi aku malas nak buat satu kali lagi kat sini. lagipun aku dah sum up siap-siap hari tu (thank u meself). kesimpulan 2019 ni pendek je. syukur Alhamdulillah. tempoh bertenang yang aku mintak dah Allah kabulkan. despite failing twice, resigned again and still struggling to catch up, aku dalam keadaan yang lebih tenang. syukur Alhamdulillah. perasaan tenang yang Allah titipkan dalam hati aku. mungkin 2020 bakal membuka lembaran baru. atau mungkin hanya kesinambungan yang sebelum-sebelum ni.

setahun yang lepas aku berharap dengan penuh kerinduan. insya Allah dalam perancangan dah sekarang. moga-moga terkabul, dengan izin Allah Azza Wajalla.

untuk 2020 harap diri ini lebih bersyukur dan banyak bermuhasabah. untuk lebih dekat dengan Dia.
untuk orang-orang tersayang, aku mohon dikurniakan kesihatan dan sama-samalah kami ditingkatkan iman.

entering my last year of 20s insya Allah. kalau tak jumpa calon (jumpa je belum nak kawen lagi) tahun depan, aku nak mengembara kejap la lepas tu. so hello partner. time to show yourself up?

selepas siri reflection minggu akhir-akhir ni, aku sedar yang angan-angan entah apa-apa aku sebenarnya hint untuk diri sendiri. sudah masa untuk aku pertimbangkan titik noktah.

garis terakhir.
titik muktamad.

di bulan ini, sedekad yang lepas, rama-rama mula bertumbuh di segenap sudut dunia yang aku kenal. yang tak diundang namun tanpa sedar pintu terkuak luas mengalukan kemanisan yang tak terjangka.

sedekad.
sedekad sayang.

meski yang terjadi tak seperti yang terharap, aku takkan pernah berkemahuan menukar untuk yang lain. tak pernah terjangka kemampuan aku untuk jatuh sedalam ini.

dalam ingatan, kamu yang mengajarkan aku untuk mengambus semula lubang ini dengan titik paling noktah setelah kita bangkit.

kekuatan, marilah.




sayang, belum masanya.

tonight i just feel a little extra melancholic.

being stucked in between is still hard for me. when you know both sides of stories and yet you can't come and intervene between the greatest relationship between humans.

i once resisted. i used to get easily stressed by this one reason. i used to thought that life is unfair when i had to lived a little differently than the upper ones. but God knows the best. i am no mother yet i am babying my love. i have never bear a child yet i'm changing diapers. a joke i told myself, my mates are looking for the best price for diapers and milk for their kids. and there i was, looking for the same exact things for a special one.

i have never planned my life to be this way. i always thought i'd get married at 23. perhaps mother is the only one i knew then. and here i am, 5 years past the age. do i feel lonely? tonight i do. do i wish for my life to happen differently? never. a week ago i started to imagine myself being married to someone. someone unreachable. for the past week, it felt good. even if they were just wishful thinking. a year from now, if God wills for me to live that long, i probably won't remember who the heck was i imagining. i'd be laughing at how stupid i was. if i am still single, perhaps that feelings will come lingering on my mind. for another whole week.

after a while, i realised that he was just another version of someone precious to me. physically, you weren't much different. you share the same smile. the same eyebrows. the same voice. i guess i have only been imagining my life with that someone precious. will i ever be break free of my own thought? i don't know. i felt much stupider that my friend mentioned the name today. perhaps i've been mentioning the name too much in me that it started to appear on my forehead. stupid, yet true.

i love the both mothers. i love them too much i wish for their peace and serenity. i wish they'd understand one another and choose to stop resisting like i did.

i loved the someone precious to me. i can't really say the same thing for the other one. i don't know him personally. although we've shared the same air for the past decade. but i choose to stop resisted yet again. because i've learned that i could only let it go when i let it be free. i wish to stop seeing him in another person ever again. it happened 3 years back. when i met someone who is just 99% similar like someone precious to me. his way of thinking. his way of talking. and it is happening now.

i have no point to prove. this life sucks playlist from spotify made me into this person tonight.

and yet again, i miss you.

sad news : i failed (for the seventh time in a row maybe?)
good news : insya Allah yet another journey in january

baru 19 disember tapi rasa nak sum up the year dah. lepastu baru je klik post last year. 19hb jua ku lakukan. wow signifikannya 19hb ni. hahaha

and yet again, Allah fulfilled my wishes. Alhamdulillah setahun ni orang-orang tersayang (dan aku jugak) sihat walafiat. moga-moga Allah terus menerus berikan kesihatan utk aku dan orang-orang yang tersayang supaya dapat beribadat kepadaNya...

tahun ni aku lebih rileks dan tenang menghadapi ranjau-ranjau kehidupan. Alhamdulillah. aku yakin rileks ni pun Allah yang titipkan dalam hati aku. nak kata takde cabaran tu tak jugak. sekali lagi Allah dah kabulkan harapan aku. nak gembira dan redha. taknak sedih-sedih dah. adakah bermakna aku dah totally get over my past story? tak jugak. masih dalam tempoh bertenang. cuma tidaklah rasa seranap setahun yang lalu. benda-benda tak terjangka pun terjadi. syukur. aku harap Allah tetap titipkan ketenangan ni untuk tahun seterusnya dalam menghadapi ujian dan cabaran mendatang. dan semakin mendekatkan aku dengan Dia.

harapan aku untuk tahun depan aku dah tulis kat atas. dan aku nak tambah satu lagi. aku harap Allah temukan aku dengan peneman a.k.a teman hidup aku. tentulah yang terbaik untuk aku di sisi Dia. aku takde sebab yang spesifik untuk harapan ni. not out of desperation. neither out of loneliness. cuma terlintas je semenjak dua menjak ni. dan aku harap aku bertemu biarlah dengan seorang je. dan dipermudahkan.

andai yang menjemputku adalah maut, aku harap sangat aku sempat bertaubat dan selesaikan urusan-urusan atas dunia ni tanpa menyusahkan orang di kemudian hari.

sekali lagi aku nak repeat. sementara je semua ni. esok-esok, balik la kita. wassalam~

this reminds of the call from 3 years ago.

it was near to our departure date. i think if i may recall again, it was probably a week before d-day. it was a normal afternoon when my phone rang. the call that i've been waiting for the longest time. unexpected call at unexpected time. it took me by surprise since i failed a couple of times previously. given any other time, i'd be all excited and prepared the best version of myself. but... it wasn't like any other time. i was in between answering His ultimate call and chasing after my dream. a dream.. or so i thought.




.................................

sambil-sambil dengar jepun ni.

fuh akhirnya tamat siri time machine. harap-harap takde relapse. hihu. bila last entah aku lupa. cewah lupa :P. i've enjoyed the memories that come resurface from the back of my mind. rasa macam tengah tengok ulang tayang je hahaha. but as it is. semuanya dah menjadi memori-memori manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. each one with lessons i'd cherish..

terima kasih insan-insan yang pernah bertembung dengan saya. aren't u all lucky that u have met me? wakakaka kkkkk gurauuuuuuu. aku dah tuit-tuit apa-apa yang terlintas. biarlah terkambus dalam tuit personal aku je. kalau sampai masa nak resurface balik nanti pandai-pandai la dia timbul.

dah lama tak penat otak camni. seminggu dua ni fikir nak revise dengan buat esaimen. senanye aku penat otak hari ni. sambil tu aku sedih sebab teman belajarku ada problem. sedih ok. nak menyambung ni bila ada teman, baru la ada seronok sikit. satu lagi sedih sebab teman sorang lagi nak pindah. actually happy for her but also sad at the same time that we won't be able to see each other any other time like the past 2 years. well.. life just happens.. we grow and we move on.. all these memories will be playing like a film without sound..

nak tulis kat blog satu lagi. punya la macam-macam benda random terfikir hari ni. tapi bila bukak blog... tulah.. tulahhh tuuuuu

just some random thought today:

the girl i've been closely following has now become a mother!! so happy for her. dari dia mula berbunga-bunga dengan shuben (then bf) dia aku rasa mcm, isk, kita doakan la diorang ni bersama. entah lah. suka berharap diorang bersama. macam tengok sinetron lak aku kan. wahahaha!!

so the adik classmate i've mentioned before who is ever so young & carefree has now looked quite dark & gloomy. putus cinta punya pasal ke. fuh. penangan. so kids, don't fall in love. you'll get ruined forever. just stay single, happy & carefree for the rest of your life ok.

akhir-akhir ni banyak dapat sun time dengan natural ventilation. serius beza benar dengan situasi seharian terperap dalam ofis. rasa sihat. i wish boleh stay macam ni. haha. so now i know i'm not a winter person. setakat bercuti sekali sekala tempat sejuk2 sikit tu ok la. nak bermastautin is no nehi never everrrrrrr.

tengah bawak kete ondewei balik tadi terlintas, wah, dah hampir setahun fasa hujung tahun yang tak terjangka aku berlalu. setahun yang lepas, tak sangka aku akan rasa begitu teruji. huhuhuhu. apa-apa pun, syukur. that gruesome phase has made me into a better person.

and i'm going to love myself a lot more than i'd ever think of :)

i need a major revamp in my life.

i need to change.

no.

i must change.
i must change.
i must change.

aduh tak sedap cakap inglish ni tak masuk ke dalam kalbu.


aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
untuk diri aku.

bukan untuk jodoh.
bukan untuk cari kerja.
bukan untuk mak abah.
bukan untuk siapa-siapa.

aku mesti berubah.
untuk aku.

member text bagitau excited jumpa orang click dengan dia. i'm like awwwhhhh!!! <33333
hahahahaha!!! fresh from oven ni tau!! tak pernah jumpa orang yang diceritakan tapi aku dah berdoa dan berharap jadi je la eh 2 orang ni. aamiiinn ya rob :3 i thought i'm gonna be jealous. turned out i'm feeling as excited to see my friend blooming. ahhh.. i even squeal out of awww-ness!!

the moment she described first time jumpa orang yg click & can talk about everything, wah i so know the feeling. that "i'm home" feeling when i first met him back then. ehehehe. untuk aku, semua tu dah tinggal kenangan manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. beberapa hari lepas mula terdetik (sikit) rasa bahagia berseorang dikeliling kengkawan dan keluarga. rasa deja vu. macam umur 15 dulu. hm ni rasa nak korek blog lama sebab tiba-tiba rasa pernah tulis. what's with my deja vu working so hardd niiii hahahaha.. zaman sekolah dulu tak fikir pun nak berboifren. kekadang ada l crush kejap-kejap but none were serious. dalam kepala aku dah set nak enjoy masa dengan kengkawan je sebab aku rasa masa tu je aku ada dengan kengkawan aku. maybe that was why it never bothered me seeing peers having boifren. satu lagi sebabnya circle of friends aku pun macam aku wahahahaha.

dan sekarang dah mula datang perasaan nak reset dalam kepala aku benda yang sama. it's been over a year though i wouldn't say that i've got over someone who was an important person in my life. how could i just forget like nothing happened with someone close to my heart in a blink of an eye kan?

dengan keadaan semasa, rasa macam deja vu je.

aku tersedar yang tanpa sengaja nya aku kembali pada diri aku yang berumur belasan tahun dulu. pegi kedai buku, sedar-sedar tengah selak gempakstarz. dengar lagu jepun dan enjoy nak hafal lirik. baca manga scan. and ultimately tonight i trimmed my hair unconsciously like 13 years ago! aku pun tak tau nak describe keadaan ni macam mana. well. aku decide untuk layan je la diri aku.

apa-apa pun, aku doa moga Allah jodohkan kawan aku dengan mamat yang dia cerita tu dan moga berkekalan sampai syurga. aaaamiiin. aminkan sekali la