aku dah buat post konon summing up 2016. tapi macam tak fully summing up je hahaha. so i'm re-writing my end of year post. sebab tiap tahun dah buat kan. so aku sendiri mengumumkan ia sebagai tradisi sendiri jyeaahh!

kalau 2015 adalah tahun yang aku paling kuat mengeluh, 2016 boleh aku katakan tahun aku reti sikit bersyukur. self claimed ni hahaha.

aku cuba keluar dari situasi yang membuatkan aku tak bersyukur. all those man-claimed stability is of no use if they only push me away from Allah. terima kasih kepada mak dengan abah sebab sudi bagi makan & tempat berteduh serta macam-macam lagi kesenangan selama aku jobless ni. aku harap aku tak menyusahkan diorang sepanjang aku masih bergantung harap keperluan-keperluan asas dari diorang. tak ada apa yang aku dapat offer kat diorang melainkan doa, kudrat dan masa yang aku ada.

tak ada apa projek yang aku boleh aku cerita. aku cuma hidup setiap hari tanpa rutin yang tetap.

banyak kali aku cuba untuk balik ke jalan sebelum ni. mungkin belum masanya lagi. mungkin aku yang degil sangat. mungkin jalan lain lebih baik cuma aku belum nampak.

dengan masa free yang ada ni, aku cuba untuk dapatkan balik the state of mind aku yang dulu. not exactly the same. umur dah naik, keadaan sekeliling dah lain. sekurang-kurangnya kalau aku dapat bersyukur dan redha dengan apa yang aku ada dan tak ada pun dah cukup. wallahi, it has been a real struggle. walaupun aku dah buang external factors, it still took me some time to make peace with myself. dan semua ni takkan tercapai, melainkan dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. 2016 insya Allah will end soon. i've made yet another beautiful journey to visit the Holy Land. wished i could stay longer. living there or somewhere near so i could visit it anytime sounds nice too. mungkin bukan rezeki aku macam tu. huhuhu. i really hope that anyone who stumble upon this post would have the chance to visit the Holy Land.

anyway...

back in 2015, aku teringin sangat-sangat visit satu tempat ni. bukan takat berangan, siap dah pergi survey-survey macam nak pergi sangat dah. tapi impian jauh sampai pluto, aku pun give up je la akhirnya. not just once or twice. this is like the lifelong dream. but then, poof! 2016, Alhamdulillah i did went! yes.. after i gave up for the very last time. jenis give up yang memang aku tanak pandang dah. so what did i learn? well.. i should just give up my dreams so they'll come back later for real. hahaha. tak lah. i think, i shouldn't be hoping till i'm over the moon..sampai pluto kot. memang tak sampai la. so.. any dreams, lifelong or just daily ones, i'd learn to not get myself too overexcited and remind myself that if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat.

well.. i've applied for a few jobs. dengan separuh hati. heheh. sebab aku masih tercari-cari arah. i know that ultimately we are to please Allah alone but i just haven't found my way. ada yang aku berharap sampai langit ketujuh. ada yang sebelah rumah je. ada yang memberi perkhabaran baik tapi wrong timing. ada yang tak berapa memberi perkhabaran diinginkan tapi timing kena pulak. hahaha. kesimpulannya, no, none of those are written for me. i accept it now. if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat. yang penting, it'll be fiddunya hasanah, wa fil aakhiroti hasanah, waqina 'azabannar. insya Allah.

i'm signing off with this conversation of ted and robin :

Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.
Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted Mosby: What's that?
Robin Scherbatsky: Timing.

 2017, lebih bersyukur & redha dengan ketentuan Illahi, lebih usaha untuk tingkatkan iman & amal, akhlak yang lebih baik, lebih pemurah & yang mana aku dah jadi lebih baik tahun ni, semoga Allah kekalkan sampai mati. aaamiiinn.

kalau dapat kerja, atau apa-apa yang aku akan buat nanti, aku harap aku ikhlas buat kerana Allah. aminkan yang ni kuat sikit.

Assalamualaikum.

ade orang ke tu? ihiks.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. dah selamat pergi dan pulang dari Tanah Suci. one which i'd say the most emotional one i'd ever made in my life so far. Segala puji-pujian & kesyukuran milik Allah. aku tanak cerita kat sini pun asalnya. takut tertimbul riak. nauzubillahhuminzalik..

but there's this one thing that i'd really really like to share.. in hope that those who are in despair would come to believe again that God is there, forever and always watching over us. dan kemungkinan pada suatu saat nanti, aku la orang yg paling memerlukan post ni.

aku tak berapa ingat samada awal tahun ni atau dalam hujung tahun lepas. kak ipar aku cerita dia nak buat haji. i was thinking to myself that i could perhaps tag along since her mahram is my mahram too. dengan rahmat Allah, i made a dua'a. hoping that i could perform hajj the year after (tahun ni la). i also said that, i know it seems impossible but i also know that Allah could make anything, just simply ANYTHING happen however He wills it. (my turn according to tabung haji is going to take much much long. i don't have enough money to register for hajj package. mahram would be an issue too.) mungkin ini satu-satunya benda yang aku mintak kat Dia bersifat ukhrawi. dan satu-satunya doa yang memang aku sebulat hati berserah pada Dia.

masya Allah tabarakallah.. during last Ramadhan, tetibe my parents ajak pergi. it was purely His doing.. because no, they didn't planned it before. and i think that the last time was supposed to be the real last time they were to brought me there.

i was in tears remembering how He made it happen. i remembered how our plan changes a few times until it all actually happened smoothly. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Sungguh, tiada tuhan melainkan Allah. dan tiada daya dan kekuatan melainkan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada aku.

i asked for a chance to perform hajj. instead He let me perform small hajj first. and i believe that this is what's best for me now for Allah is the best of planner.

so.. if you're in despair and losing hope, just make a dua'a.. a simple one. asked for what you want from Him. and TRUST Him that He's going to make it happen, however best for you at that time.

and the rest...is history.

wallahu'alam.