ahh. as always. time depan laptop dah hilang perkataan. haha..

the biggest lesson i've learned last week is very simple yet profound. something i've learnt but had to relearn.

aku rasa ada aku mention sini betapa punya down nya aku dengan keputusan-keputusan aku tahun lepas. i remember i wrote somewhere "i blame no one but me." and for over a year now i though i was doing the right thing not to blame God or takdir for the mistakes i've made.

but i was wrong. i was dead wrong. i finally realised that some things are just inevitable. no matter how much effort i made of only blaming myself that i was the one wrong, it was still a takdir. maybe i've been drowning for too long that i've lost the sense of God in deciding our takdir. kalau ikut rakyat tuiter yang so called woke, taking out takdir in their equation, taking out that God is the one who decides and not us...

keadaan bila datang dalam keadaan kita memang tak ada kuasa, contohnya baby lahir-lahir dah ada kanser, yang memang semulajadi lahir dah dapat dan bukannya mewarisi dari mak bapak dia, lebih mudah untuk kita akui yang sesuatu itu takdir. we obviously have no power over it dan kepada Tuhan juga satu-satunya tempat kita mencari ketenangan.

tapi bila keadaan tu terjadi atas sebab perbuatan manusia, contohnya kita dah cuba sehabis baik untuk jaga makan & exercise, lepastu dapat jugak penyakit. susah untuk tak menyalahkan diri & tengok bahawa situasi ni pun sebuah takdir.

aku bukan la ustazah. takut salah faham juga ni. tapi setakat ni, aku terima macam ni lah. even when i gave my best effort, and weird enough that i was letting my guard down then, it was a takdir that i had to make such decision. di mata manusia, terutamanya mata aku sendiri, nampak macam aku buat keputusan yang salah tapi sebenarnya di sisi Tuhan, ini lah keputusan yang terbaik untuk aku. don't get me wrong. aku tak menyalahkan takdir. cuma aku sedar... it wasn't 100% on me.. i don't know about the percentage but maybe 20% was me and another 80% is takdir. it was fated that i made such decision and it was fated to happen this way.

tetapi pengajarannya tetap juga aku terima. the part that i did wrong. aku mengaku. but the part that situations come in such a way, is beyond my control.

aku cuma harapakn redha Illahi dan redha dalam hati aku atas ketentuan Illahi...

penat gelak tengok 1n2d. i am seriously returning to 18 again. unconsciously. mungkin kena redevelop diri semula. pick up dari point terakhir sebelum kejadian. haha

bila takde bukak blog, macam-macam benda ha nak ditaip. bila bukak je jadi blurr. mungkin sebab bukak pun dah 2.45 pagi. uhuhuhu

i seriously have so much to pen down but my laziness strikes. actually, not really lazy. just... dalam fasa nak menghadam. 1n2d is a really good escapism. haha. mulanya sebab nak tengok diorang buat apa. lepastu termelarat pulak eh eh eh.

ada hari rasa nak sengaja rebahkan diri tak bangun-bangun. too overwhelm.
ada hari rasa kena bangun dan tetap semangat.

rasa macam ujian berulang. aku harap keputusan kali ni lebih baik..

aku cuma harap serangan tahun lalu tak berulang. i've to learn how to accept and redha.
some things are just not meant to be. while some other things are just meant to be.

i am refocusing my view in life. sedang usaha untuk kembali berada di sudut pandang ketika dijentik Tuhan suatu ketika dulu. i'm not gonna lie. it is so hard. benda mungkar yang nyata, senang untuk kita akui. benda mungkar yang tak nyata, sukar. lagi-lagi bila kita pernah tau.

as yasmin mogahed said, this is a healing process. disinfect your heart. it is going to be painful but it is good for you.

i see it. i just haven't grasp the feeling yet.

may Allah subhanahuwata'ala makes it ease for me. may He protect our heart and keep us steadfast in His religion.

apa cara nak terima dan redha dengan takdir yang berlaku tak macam kita harapkan?
apa cara nak tanamkan dalam hati ni yang semua perkara yang datang dan pergi ni adalah aturan Tuhan?