i used to loathe crying. back in high school, i almost didn't cry for years. almost.
hate it since people would easily noticed the fact that i just cried. eyes bulging, nose turned red.
once, i cried for the whole day. it was baaaad. sore eyes. really sore eyes.

you see. i've started working a few months ago. to be honest, i'm in love-hate relationship with my job. love the job scope, love the fact that i'm learning sort of different but still in the same field of what i studied in university. oh did i tell you i've just graduated. Alhamdulillah completed as scheduled. wait what was i saying? oh.. my job. well, the lovable part are just that. other things, well let's just say, not really fond of them. but still, hitting the fifth month now, i'm starting to get used to them. not really talking much everyday. decided not to get involved in any gossip or whatnot.

i'm in a crossroad. whether or not i should continue working after probationary period ends. like i said, i do love what i learned here but that's probably the only thing that keeps me going. hope i'm gonna sort it out soon insya Allah.

this year, i'd say, is the year i'm moving to adulthood. start off the year with ending my classes in university then began my practical training. i still do miss that place though. with the people and environment. as of now, half of us has gone, leaving the really loyal staff around. may we all meet again in jannatulfirdaus insya Allah. six months ago, i was so hesitant whether or not to continue working there. and i believe Allah is the best of planners and He sure has put me where i should be now. insya Allah, He'll keep on showing me the way, well in His on way, of where should i go after this.

i'd be lying if i say i don't miss university life. i really really do miss it. i miss it so much i'd rather take another degree. yes, that far. however, after knocking some senses into my head, i realized that it's already time to move on. miss the free time i had, miss my classmates, miss the fact that i don't have to put up a face when i meet the people around, miss the fact that i could go to talk whenever or wherever i wanted to, miss my carefree self, oh the list won't stop i guess?

the year ended with somewhat one blissful journey Allah has blessed me with. answering His call, who wouldn't want to? i believe He has blessed me with rizq to make the journey at such young age. indeed, it was a trip like no other. i still suffer from jet lag though. haha. a year back when my parents brought it up, i was somewhat hesitant. many things came up to my mind. i guess that's the Him pre-calling me to make the journey. days, months went on and when my parents really registered our seat, i was like, this is it. this is so it man. hahaha. whaaaaat -.-". it was probably one of the most "capitalist-support" trip but it didn't change the whole point of it. i'm back safe and sound now Alhamdulillah and missing it so much. hoping He will call for me again soon :)

so that's one-year long summary. new year will come soon insya Allah. probably major changes will happen. hopefully.

wassalam.

Alhamdulillah. selamat pergi dan kembali. apa yang terjadi cuma Tuhan saje yang tahu. segala puji untuk Allah dan Dia sahaja yang selayaknya dipuji.

satu je harapan aku. istiqomah untuk terus amalkan apa yang aku cuba praktikkan dalam sepuluh hari lepas. aku anggap macam ramadhan lah. permulaan untuk sesuatu yang baru.

dan ini, untuk rutin harian lama yang baru. biidznillah.

:)

aku tak tau kalau najib boleh hidup senang hati. sebagai seorang pengurus kewangan pembinaan kecil-kecilan dan masih sangat baru, nak tolong bahagikan duit orang sebenarnya bukan senang. i mean, secara teknikalnya senang jer. tambah tolak darab bahagi susun susun sikit, dah siap.

TAPI

bila aku fikir panjang sikit, berat wooo nak atur duit orang. kita tak pegang pun duit tu, kita cuma diamanahkan untuk kata ya ke tak patut orang dapat duit orang lain. gitewww. dalam 3 bulan rasanya ada sekali yang aku memang betul-betul nak putus urat. putus urat kecil-kecilan dah banyak kali. tapi tu pun atas kesalahan aku sendiri la. haha.

jadi berbalik kepada najib yang diamanahkan untuk mengagihkan wang yang bukan miliknya, yang mampu menggugat atau menguntungkan kehidupan berjuta (eh ke billion ha penduduk malaysia?) orang yang lain, kalau sebenar benarnya dia menjalankan amanah yg dipertanggungjawabkan pada dia (hanya Allah yang tahu), aku tak rasa dia boleh balik rumah dah bersenang lenang di atas tilam empuk sentiasa.

beratnya amanah tu, Tuhan saje yang tahu.


sebenarnya aku baru tahu PM adalah menteri kewangan ehek ehek ehek ehek kbaiiii

aku sungguh amat sangat merindukan saat-saat aktif menaip di blogosphere.
apakan daya, balik rumah dengan 20% baki kudrat, serta tahap kemalasan yang nauzubillah, aku terpaksa meninggalkan ini semuaaaa. huahuahua. aku sedih! aku sedih!

banyak benda aku nak taip. tapi cukuplah dengan aku katakan i'm doing fine. i'm really thankful to Allah Ta'ala for guiding me through the way and blessed me with peace and serenity.

dah masuk 3 bulan. emosi dah mula stabil. takde la tiap malam balik rasa nak maki je (kadang-kadang tu ermm hihihi). dah takde asyik nak counting days nak berhenti (oh that countless time i almost cried). bagi aku tahun 2014 adalah tahun yang sedikit pelik sebab untuk julung kalinya orang duk bertanya "umur berapa?"

kali terakhir orang tanya aku rasa aku jawab 15. tiba-tiba dah *ehem*.

jadi untuk 2014 yang membawa aku ke fasa baru ini, aku cuma harap keberkatan dan keredhaan Allah je untuk sepanjang saat aku keluar mencari rezeki. sungguh aku tak tipu aku rindukan zaman belajar dan zaman praktikal. tapi dah sampai masa untuk aku mengorak langkah lebih jauh. dah sampai masa untuk aku melangkah ke fasa seterusnya. dah sampai masa untuk aku berdiri gagah sendiri!

*berdiri pegang obor atas bukit*

aicehcehcehceh.

dah la. aku nak berangan ni. besok nak kembali ke rutin harian. dan sesungguhnya aku tak sabar nak melunaskan perancangan minggu akan datang. biidznillah.

jadi nearlyweds mengajar aku yang dalam english nyer aku boleh katakan "some things just don't work out."

oh i miss my friends. terasa friendless. like, where are you roomies?

i made a very very very stupid mistake today. hate myself for that. hate the fact i'm too careless! in fact, i've been so careless every single day! it's not that i really want to be one. i'm trying hard to be careful but fast. what's with my project partner is sort of.. well i don't know if it's just me or things are not so good between us. i don't know why at times he screams at me. it's like, he's been talking and laughing with others and when it comes to me he gets all serious and angry. perhaps i'm the boring one. yes that angry tone. like at times he screams at me. and of course i feel stupid. so stupid stupid stupid stupid. i'm slow. i'm careless. well he's not at fault. i am. i admit that i am. and the others, they were nice too. i am the one who's still too shy. i mean, my free spirited side is still active. they talk about grown up stuff. married couples stuff. while i'm left there hanging. hence the strong attraction towards the bachelorette group. we're about the same age you know. although two are either two years younger or older, we could still have that small talks together. and all those family troop, well i'm trying to avoid them as much as i could. what's with the camera above my head and the weird manager. and i still have no idea whether they're all good together or just struggling to put up with each other. and some days i go home, i have to go through "getting patience course".

i'm sorry i just had to rant all these out. i'm just really really really mentally tired. it's been a month. and every single time i go, i'm struggling to tell myself not to quit now.

you know what, one year seems too far now.

jadi semalam sebabkan aku sedikit hormonal, aku pun tengok movie pinoy tajuk "starting over again". bukan main membuak mood cinta aku semalam. akakaka. cerita dia sedap untuk dilayan sekali seumur hidup. pengajarannya bagus jugak.
 first love always left us the deepest wound.
broken family and the child's huge insecurities is no joke.
be thankful for every calamities that brings out the best in you. you know you need to go through that, don't you?
second chance is not a fairytale. in fact, we always deserve to get one.
every failed relationship needs a proper closure.
if you loved someone (in a boy-girl relationship way), be smart with term "let them free".

and most of all, ironically, starting over again is about moving on.

moving on also lah.

dah sebulan aku mulakan rutin baru. seronok? erm. entahlah. nak kata tidak tu tak la, nak kata ye pun tak la. masih awkard. masih tak dapat "in" dengan perbualan diorang. masih terlalu awal untuk judge. i'll give myself 3 months. 4 at most. dan aku masih melalui hari-hari yang mana aku rasa lembab dan bodohnya la aku ni buat tugasan diberi. tapi takpe. kita teruskan buat saje. nak menjerit ke herdik ke, lantak lah. janji aku usaha untuk rezeki yang barakah.

masih mencari. masih.

"selamat menjadi actual. kalau dulu idealist."

ada betulnya cakap pakcik aku ni. makin variety perangai manusia aku mula kenal.

ada satu perasaan
hujan renyai-renyai
bantal empuk, tilam buruk
dinding berlubang
siapa jalan kita tahu
kipas pusing
satu
dua
tiga
empat
lima
oh
pukul sepuluh
bangun bersiap
berpayung meredah
hujan renyai-renyai
ada satu kesejukan semulajadi
dan udara segar
masuk ke bilik-bilik yang dipilih
tarik kerusi
pusing belakang
mula cerita

ada satu perasaan

oh ye.
aku ingatkan momen-momen "muka kau ni macam muka ...." dah tamat lepas aku habis pembelajaran secara formal.
rupa-rupanya makin galak.
tak tau nak rasa apa.

paling mendebarkan, ex-ofismate kakak ipar merangkap senior kos aku (perempuan la) siap sentiasa memandang aku dari jauh sebab rupa aku macam kawan lama dia. sejibik giteww.

paling awkward, bini dan anak kawan bapak yang tetibe tengok aku pastu kata muka aku macam saudara diorang. sejibik jibik gitew. like soooo sejibik sampai kau rasa nak peluk cium sebab ingatkan memang sedara sedaging.

ya muka aku memang muka yang familiar. i'm fine with that. berharap dapat mengubat kerinduan anda terhadap sesiapa la tu yang muka macam aku.

ada hari serba tak kena.
rasa nak lari pergi tinggalkan semuanya.
ada hari buat aku nak tersenyum memanjang.
macam satu jalan baru yang berbatu tapi indah.
mohon keberkatan dari Allah untuk setiap saat langkah.

:)

jadi, dengan izin Allah, aku teruskan jugak. separuh berat jugak hati aku ni.
aku tawakkal je ni. if it's not okay now, i believe it will be, someday later.

awkward, weird, out of place, oh you just name it. just so very little part of me wished i've proceed with the old place but i believe Allah is the best of planners. and really He is the best of planners. bumped into kakak-kakak from old place and happily, wait...i excitedly catch up with them. it was very quick. which then remind me again of why i decided not to stay. and now, thinking of it again, the emotion part was probably just so happen at the right time. had it not been for the emotion i had at that time, i probably would be going home at 5 everyday now. and probably for the next 5 years.

i'm still acting bimbo with everyone. so very very veryyyy quiet. making everyone else feel shy to talk to me. haha. biarkannnn. thinking of it again, i've been smelling some funny stuff since day one. not really sure what. don't care since it's none of my business.

tawakkal. tawakkal.

aku tak tau nak cerita macam mana kebelah bagian hati aku sekarang. hanya Allah yang tahu macam mana beratnya hati aku bila tengok reaksi mak hari tu. dah berbulan aku fikir aku dah bersedia. tak sangka pulak aku macam ini yang akan terjadi.

entahlah. yang kita mintak dah dapat. bila dah dapat, nak lepaskan pulak. aku banyak kali je tengok orang dalam situasi macam ni. dah kena batang hidung kepala sendiri baru faham. mintak apa yang perlu, bukan semestinya yang kita nak. tapi takpe. aku yakin hikmahnya akan terbuka suatu masa nanti. semacam mana hikmah-hikmah dari perkara lalu yang membawa kepada hikmah yang masih dirahsiakan kali ni.

semoga Allah tetapkan hati aku selagimana kebaikan adalah untuk aku, agama aku serta keluarga aku, terutama mak dgn abah. dan semoga Allah pinjamkan kesabaran dan kekuatan untuk aku yang lemah ni untuk melihat hikmah manis untuk kali ni.

semalam sleepover dengan my girlsssss. dah lama rasanya tak tidur malam dengan kawan-kawan. haha.
bilik kawan aku semalam mengingatkan aku pada first dan momen-momen pillow talk sebelum selepas tutup lampu tiap-tiap malam.
semoga Allah rahmati roomate2 saya.
rindu semuanya 37484647574583%

zaman tepung, telur, tasik, kek, air coke dah berlalu. hahaha.
kini hanya tinggal sambutan penuh doa dan ketenangan.

as i grow up, i learned more about myself. or perhaps i'm changing. i mean, i used to go crazy over suju and dbsk, like seriously crazy. thankfully God has opened my eyes to see how those qualities were just in my fantasy. like oh my God i was so delusional mannnn. i pray Allah will open the girls heart who were still blinded with those so called attractive kpop guys to realized what i realized awhile back.

someone i know just got out of relationship. it wasn't really hard for her since she wanted it. she made an exit when she realized that she just wanted to be single. probably missed getting hit (well she's quite attractive i must say). or she just got bored and thought that the years together were just ... friends.

so i was watching an episode of about a boy when Will met the beauty with brain.

i just realized that i've never tried jumping into the single-dating pool. you know.. the process of hitting and getting hit, getting to know each other and decide whether or not to keep in dating. part of me was having this thought of following my friend's footstep.. well don't blame me. it was just out of curiosity.

but then there's also another part of me thought that it wouldn't make sense. even if i took an exit for the sake of filling my curiosity, i don't think i'd be jumping into the pool. at least not for a while. i'm all for serious relationship and no hanky panky or whatsoever. plus, as of now, i'm grateful and contented with all that i have. even when i was in high school, while those with phones were busy texting the opposite sex, i on the other hand were busy enjoying my time with my girl friends. never even thought or wanted a boy-girl relationship. i mean it was quite good cause i've always thought that if i were to get in a relationship in high school, it'd merely be just for fun.

but still, only God knows who's the best person to be our soulmate. whether or not partner would be the one God decided for me, i'd just be grateful. for He knows what's best for us.

you tak payah la try try I kalau you tak serious. cari girl lain yang nak main-main macam you jugak. ecehhh! :p

changed routine

kalau ikutkan waktu-waktu macam ni sedulunya aku tengah baring keletihan. sambil pikir macam mana nak cuci baju sambil tu bawak baju bersih nak bawak pegi next kampung.
takpun tengah beraya kat rumah embah yang dekat dengan rumah embah aku.
takpun tengah makan besar bersama keluarga. lepas tu sembang tah hape benda dengan sepupu sepapat.
lepas tu esok travel travel travel dan travel lagi. sampai hujung minggu.
biasanya jugak, aku tengah sakit perut sebab makan nauzubillah...
sebabnya waktu siang macam tadi pergi sekurang-kurangnya 6 rumah.
dengan family pakcik makcik.
dan family aku.

malam raya semalam sedulunya aku main bunga api sambil tengok orang main mercun.
pastu tunggu turn gosok gosok baju. eh tak, berebut lah. ehek ehek ehek.
pastu sembang tah hape hape benda dengan sepupu sepapat.
biasanya geng jejantan yang banyak buat keje cenggini.
takpun kalau kat rumah embah, aku tengah makan. takpun basuh pinggan. takpun isi kuih.
wow sifat keperempuanan terserlah di rumah embah rupanya. baru sedar. ehek ehek ehek.

dan sekarang, malam raya lebih kepada duduk bertenang di depan tv sambil dengar bunyi mercun yang jarang-jarang di pinggir bandar.
dan hanya mampu tawaf 3 buah rumah di siang hari.
daripada sempit berempat di belakang, kini lapang berseorang.
daripada bapak mengejar nak menghabiskan tawaf ke rumah sedara mara yang jauh-jauh sekali, kini hanya pergi mana yang terdekat.
daripada hanya menggosok baju di malam raya, kini aku dah bertanggungjawab uruskan hal ketupat.
the table has turned.
orang tua dan muda yang baru.

still blessed. Alhamdulillah.

sebenarnya aku dah selalu bukak blogger.com ni nak menaip. bila tengah tweet, ade jek benda nak taip pepanjang. dah bukak elok macam ni terus hilang. mungkin aku perlukan template blogger yang lama, sebelum google ambil alih. ehe ehe ehe ehe ehe.

tiada apa yang vavavoom dengan hidup aku sekarang. sahur, tidur, hot in cleveland sampai ngantuk, tidur, kupas bawang, makan, solat terawikh, repeat. konon la malas nak start keje awal-awal sebab nak tumpu pada ibadah dan ibu bapa. tengok rutin aku tu tengok. sebenarnya nak keje apa pun aku tak tau. tu pasal yang duk melanguk je ni. hahaha. baru semalam cubaan hantar resume. aku pun tak tau rezeki macam mana akan datang nanti. cuma aku nak live in the moment je sekarang. mensyukuri waktu lapang walau menganggur dan masih tiada hala tuju. aku rilek jer percaya rezeki dari Allah, sampai masa nanti dia sampai la. aku rasa orang keliling yang lebih risau. erm. hehe. feeling loved.

dan 3 minggu ni aku menggomol bayi je. dan budak busuk. dulu mula-mula rasa sunyi jugak. tapi aku rasa mereka pun gembira sebab ada orang yang free macam aku untuk tolong gomolkan bayi-bayi mereka. wakakaka. ikutkan hati nak je aku sambung belajar ambik degree lagi tapi bidang lain. pikir-pikir balik, itu semuaaaaa mahu duit. ilmu dan wang. wang dan ilmu. takpe lah. aku tambah ilmu cara lain je.

so...itu je lah cerita yang aku boleh cerita sekarang.

love love me doo
you know i love youu
i'll always be with youuu
so pleaaseee pleaasee pleaseee please
love me doooo oo oo oo ooo


tengah goyang-goyang nyanyi tetibe terbaca

"salam & hye. our friend (name) is currently warded at wad ICU ........"


pause youtube.
diam.
tutup youtube.

16 : yui - my generation
17 : sweet 17
18-20 : i think there was this song that i totally forgotten about now
21 : forever 21
22 : taylor swift - 22
23 : blink 182 - what's my age again?


yezzaaahhh!

my taste in music is mostly influenced by bapak and abang-abang hence the scorpions, the beatles, rhcp, greenday, blink 182 and the list goes on. after puberty, i somehow fell for jpop and kpop, probably caused i watched the drama. the songs weren't that great but they look pretty cute (back then of course). but it soon vanish after i entered foundation. thank goodness i got over it. i don't ever want to be that hippie girl macam takde pedoman. haha. i do not know how i got over it but i really wish all these kpop lovers do too.

so, for a little while, i've been abandoning the habit of listening to music. once in a while i did but it's just for a few hours then i'm done. i'm learning to detach myself from lagha music :3

however, few weeks back, one of my office mates requested for me to download a few songs for him. so i did. and i started to listen to the songs requested. and damn it, i'm hooked! somewhat old songs that i used to love, and still do! then, another practical student like me started to push me to listen to muse. i, for one, listen to songs but not the band. i mean, some bands produce a lot of great songs over and over again while some others manage to make it to one hit wonder list. and i don't really care which band you're from as long as your songs caught me up. so he started to turn up the volume for starlight and time is running out.

and now my youtube is playing blink 182.
dammit puberty. you caught me up again.


so, i failed.

i miss going to talks and gathering with my friends. talking about both worldly and hereafter matters.

i just feel like saying it.

Ramadhan is fast approaching. which also means the title i'm holding right now is almost up.
right now, i'm learning to put my trust in Allah, for matters i've never faced before. realizing how fast time moves.
i'm out of time.
Allahu.

jauh jugak aku termenung tadi petang. bukan selalu dapat can merenung ke luar sambil berfikir tentang masa depan. ecewah! hahaha. entah binatang apa yang gigit aku kat site tadi, aku terus rasa nak hantar resume esok. bila fikir-fikir balik, sedih tu memang la sedih nak tinggalkan tempat sekarang, dan entah macam mana peluang aku kat firm lain. but if you never try, you never know. take the leap, dan buang rasa takut.

ingat ni. doa, usaha, tawakal.

lepas tu renungan aku diganggu makhluk tak halus langsung.

harini 1st time keluar pergi site dan buat kerja. lama dah tak buat kerja-kerja luar macam ni. letih la jugak. aku tengah tahan mata je ni. haha.

dan untuk masa depan yang ingin aku bina, bismillahitawakkaltu'alallah.

aku tak larat nak menghadap ketidakmatangan macam dulu.
aku dah boleh detect pun orang tak matang.
maknanya apa?

aku dah tua lah tu.

5 tahun dulu,
berbekalkan result spm,
dan 4 pasang baju kurung cotton,
yang jaja panggil uniform.


haha.

masa berlalu.
dari arkitek beralih ke juruukur.
dan masih menghabiskan sisa berbaki 3 minggu.

kenal partner,
kenal berjenis jenis rakan yang diharapnya ketemu lagi di syurga,
yang penting,
belajar untuk lebih matang.

semalam tengok tarikh convo,
2 perasaan menerpa,
gembira bercampur sayu,
dengan baki 3 minggu,
assessment terakhir,
insya Allah.

keliru, masih.

.al-'asr dan al-isra' yang memujuk.

selama ni aku fikir kesabaran takde limit. tak kira walau macam manapun sesuatu perkara boleh membangkitkan kemarahan, one way or another, mesti ada cara untuk terus bersabar.

tapi semenjak semenjak ni baru aku faham. segala benda dalam dunia ini ada limitnya. nak bersuka ria ada limit, nak berlawak ada limit, nak marah ada limit maka bersabar pun ada limit.
cuma tahap mana batasan tu terpulang pada kau. kau boleh up kan lagi batasan tu, atau, well, tak buat batasnya.

sekarang aku tengah belajar untuk menaikkan batas kesabaran aku.

dan walau macam mana negatifnya fikiran aku dalam sesuatu masa, i'm really really thankful that God always has His own way to calm me down. a beautiful kind of slap.

yā allāhu ʾumm bi-khayr

ada sesetengah orang tak boleh tahan orang merokok. hatta bau rokok sekalipun tak boleh.
aku .. entahlah. mungkin sebab bapak memang dah merokok sejak aku kat luh mahfuz lagi, aku dah biasa.
dan abang-abang aku pun ikut jejak dia.
cuma yang sulung tu sekejap je. beberapa bulan lepas kawen, dia berenti.
yang satu lagi memang fiuhh fiuhhh je hari-hari. tapi depan anak dia tak la. ko nak kena penampo ngan sumorang (kecuali abah kot) ke nak fiuhh fiuhhh depan anak ko?!?! (gituh kan).
dan sekarang, abah pun dah berenti. dah beberapa bulan. selepas bertahun-tahun.
partner pun (nak masuk jugak ni. kakakaka).

alasan dan sebab musabab yang dah berenti ni sama je. dah tak rasa nak sapkok. abang sulung aku ekstrem sikit. sapkok rasa pahit.

sebenarnya point aku adalah, aku tak kisah pun orang sapkok. yang bayar nya ngko, yang hisap nya ngko, yang nak menegakkan benang yang basah bila orang kondem rokok pun ngko. aku pun malas nak kondem sebenarnya. orang yang tahu dia tak berada di pihak kebenaran tapi nak jugak defend diri dia, cenggitu aaaa orang yang sapkok ni. aku duduk di tepi, memikirkan masa depan. sekian.

aku selalu fikir, bila ada benda tak best jadik, itu semua kifarah untuk membersihkan dan keampunan untuk dosa-dosa aku. jarang, atau sebenarnya tak penah lagi aku rasa aku sedang diuji. sebab pada aku, ujian adalah satu tahap di mana kau dah cukup bersih dari dosa, mungkin bukan suci tapi dah tercuci, dan Tuhan sedang menunjukkan kecintaan Dia pada kau untuk kau tambah lagi sayang pada Dia. i mean, you're tested because you are good enough, aren't you? kalau tak cukup bagus, tak pass untuk amik test. then lepas test tu you tahu you pass that aspect of life ke tak. if you fail than you'll have to retake it. over and over again until you suceed. kan?

tapi untuk kali ni, kali ini je, aku rasa teruji. bukan sebab dosa-dosa aku dah tercuci. itu semua hanya Allah yang tahu. tapi untuk perkara yang aku sebut dalam perenggan atas. mungkin aku dah pass untuk amik ujian ni. tapi adakah aku akan pass ujian ni? wallahu'alam.

i'll keep on praying.

dan sekarang, dejavu ni tak misteri lagi. aku dah faham kenapa. aku harap kefahaman aku betul. kalau salah, semoga Allah tunjukkan jalan untuk betulkan persepsi aku.

demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia itu dalam kerugian. kecuali orang-orang yg beriman dan beramal soleh. dan berpesan-pesan dengan kebenaran dan berpesan-pesan dengan kesabaran.

i'm at a crossroad.
imagine a baby chick who's about to walk, having to stop for a little while because there are 3 different types of dedak in front of it.
i am that chicken.
well, depending on your perception about me, i might be a giant.
hehehe.

i know that if we never try, we'll never know.
and now, right now, right this second, i am even thinking whether or not to start to walk.
well sure when babies started to walk, they fall a lot of times, cry, and walk again. but babies are cute. they cry cute, sleep cute, laugh cute. while me, well.. i'm not a baby. if i fall, it's not cute. it even hurts. if i cry, it's gonna be messy and noisy. if i sleep, i'm somewhat the definition of lazy. if i laugh, well.. my officemate said it's evil laugh.

point is, i'm at a crossroad. standing. still.

tak. aku masih takde jawapan lagi untuk dejavu yang misteri ni.

cuma aku sedar sesuatu,
i felt safe,
loved,
needed.

sampai sekarang aku masih tak faham
kenapa terjadinya dejavu ni
lama pulak tu

hai dejavu, sudah-sudahlah tu.

aku ni lampi sikit. jujur aku cakap. sikit je tak banyak.
lagi part cakap lapik-lapik ni. takpun jenis memain dalam serius dalam memain dalam serius.
aku jujur je terima apa orang cakap. maksud aku, kalau dia kata A, aku percaya dia cakap A. mungkin dia maksudkan B sebenarnya tapi aku tetap anggap dia cakap A. camtu. sekarang aku rasa aku perlu berubah.

manusia, macam-macam jenis ada.
pernah dulu sorang member rapat aku ulang apa bapak dia cakap kat dia,
kawan paling kawan yang kau akan kenal adalah kawan masa sekolah dulu.
i second that.
cuma aku nak tambah lah,
kawan universiti juge. ehe.

dulu sebelum aku kenal partner, aku fikir, siapa je yang datang aku terima je. aku malas nak letak ciri-ciri idaman ke hape. satu pun aku tak letak. tolak tepi ciri penting macam lelaki tulen dan Muslim yer. tapi aku rasa, makin tua ni aku makin faham kenapa orang letak ciri macam tu macam ni macam macam lagi. yelah. kau dah mula kenal orang macam tu macam ni macam macam, kau pun mula rasa insecure nak berkenalan dengan orang. atau mungkin kau makin redah je. haha.

entahlah. semalam bukan main rancak lagi aku berbual ngan member kat opis. dah tinggal berdua je kan. hape lagik. haha. macam-macam cerita keluar. mujur la ada dia dengan sorang lagi yang ala-ala sebaya dengan aku yang boleh buat sembang kanak-kanak. orang lain semua dah berumur. dia pun seronok jugek dibawak berbual. tapi dia dah nak chow hujung bulan ni. terkapai-kapai la aku sebulan nak menghabiskan prektikel ni. kalau nak cerita hal perempuan nanti dengan siapaaaaaaa T.T

i'm turning on the best la-la song. it brings back the memories of my last day in college. although second didn't really like a home to me like how first did, it somehow felt like leaving another home to me.

four and a half years, that's how long it was.

to a new chapter.
bismillah.

untuk sebuah dejavu yang misteri
seorang engkau yang kembali di sisi
semoga Tuhan tunjukkan jalan
biarlah kali ini jalan pulang ke Dia.

dah 2 bulan.
aku letih sebenarnya. letih mental. bukan letih sebab banyak kerja tapi letih berperang dengan perasaan sendiri. kerja aku sikit-sikit je. syukur Alhamdulillah. belajar pun tak banyak sangat sebenarnya tapi cukuplah.

aku letih fikir apa nak reply orang cakap. dejavu. dejavu you know? macam perasaan mula jumpa partner dulu-dulu, tapi versi yang lebih errrr... worse?
judgemental? most certainly. aku tengah cuba cara supaya orang malas dah nak cakap dengan aku. haha. not in annoying way but more likely dah malas sebab takde respon yang menarik. ya, bagi aku jadi boring. biarkan. aku keletihan menghadap ketidakmatangan.

dan aku letih berperang dengan diri yang taknak move on dari campus life. of why i have much less free time now, less freedom to go out and people demand more time with me. maaf lah. untuk sekejap, bukan aku tak bersyukur, tapi aku mencarik jalan ke arah kesyukuran.

maaf. transition phase ini memenatkan perasaan. tapi aku yakin, cahaya kesyukuran akan tiba. Alhamdulillah. i'm starting to adapt and move on. starting maksudnya belum move on lagi okay. baru nak mula. baru.

dan inglish aku makin teruk sekarang. aku dah lama tak membaca. lama sangat. rindu menambah ilmu. rindu diskui-diskusi mencambah ilmu dan iman. rindu menghabiskan weekdays dengan perasaan yang carefree dan weekend untuk keluarga. sekarang kena belajar tone down seven carefree days to only two days. yaa itu salah satu punca aku kadang-kadang rasa macam nak depress. ergh.

so. harap takde yang letih baca post tak bersyukur yang meletihkan ni.

harini dua kali aku dengar wanita matang memaki.
yang pertama adalah salah aku sebab bukak video tu dan dengar sampai habis.
yang kedua adalah sebab ditakdirkan aku akan berada di situ harini.

kesimpulannya,
di waktu yang tenang ini aku perlulah berdoa dengan penuh tawaddhu' supaya Allah akan ingatkan aku untuk bersabar sentiasa. sentiasa.

untuk peringatan kepada diri,
mulut tu jangan lancang sangat bercakap. kena beza cakap dengan budak yg ala-ala sebaya dengan orang yg 10-20 tahun lebih tua walau semua satu ofis. ada faham?!

dah kali kedua ni. kedua tahu?
dan tolong behave kat ofis walaupun orang lain tak behave. faham??



dan aku sebenarnya tak positif mana. luaran engkorang nampak macam ni, belakang-belakang, dalam hati, waktu bergayut dengan partner, Allah saje yang tahu macam mana negatifnya aku. cuma untuk setiap benda aku belajar untuk berserah pada Allah. belajar. aku bukan dalam situasi korang. untuk banding sikap aku dengan korang tak boleh. korang dah lalui benda yang aku tak lalui dan aku dah lalui benda yang korang tak lalui. so tak adil untuk kau atau aku untuk banding. so whatever it is, belajar. belajar untuk berserah pada Allah.

you know what, kawasan aku praktikal ni best jugek sebenarnya. kawasan la bukan company. ehehe. but the company is fine too. sebab tak banyak keje. kakaka. abang akak tu cakap, masa kerja lebat dulu pun busy jugak. tido tido ofis lagik tuh. tapi tu dulu lah. sejak kitorang nak apply tempat praktikal dulu pun lekcerer dah cakap yang sekarang memang tak banyak projek. tapi kampeni besar-besar of course la keje lebat aje. eh aku nak cerita pasal kawasan. ahaha. tapi ye la aku rasa tenang sikit area sini berbanding bandar kolumpo, pj mahupun damansara. serius! maybe sebab bangunan pun tak banyak lagi yang tinggi melangit. akan datang, maybe ada. you know la kan bangunan tinggi banyak means tempat padat. me no likeyyy. aku rasa sesak lalu rumah tinggi-tinggi area tempat belajo aku tu. so i'm considering to find a workplace here (as in the area i'm currently doing my industrial training). probably not at the same company sebab ye la kan projek baru takdek maka diorang pun takdek la nak ambik staf baru. just maybe new TA sebab in about three months, all three of us (non-permanent staff) nak chow. oh but wangsa maju & melawati area is quite nice to live in. pinggir bandar sikit. sama la jugak rasa macam duk bangi. cuma bangi dah mula naik bangunan tinggi. although i live near to kolumpo, i'm not much of a city girl. i have that city girl in me but well you know, i prefer pinggir-pinggir bandar. city is too crowded. plus, rasa tak bernapas je

tapi ade pro cons nye ler. mostly company besar-besar kat tengah bandar kolumpo or pj or damansara. so kalau nak kumpul knowledge and gaji banyak sikit, kena la sanggup keje situ. untuk tempat-tempat yang pinggir ni gaji tak beso mane la. but better living i guess. stresss keje memang la ada but unlike keje kawasan central. so whichever is your choice, there's always gonna be the opportunity cost. gitu lah.

tipu je. tak cukup sebenarnya. hiks.
hari minggu kali ni aku duk dendiam (sekali lagi) kat rumah. dalam kepala punya la pikir nak carik baju kerja la, nak topap la, nak restock bebarang keperluan la, nak berjumpa dan bergosip la. alih-alih dua harian aku melanguk kat rumah. ekeke. itu pun mujurla semalam pergi kenduri. ada la jugak aku keluar. aku bukan apa. harini hujan sepanjang hari. rasa nak menikmati hari yg penuh nikmat ni pasal dah lama tak hujan seharian begini. hihihi. syukur Alhamdulillah.

pikir-pikir esok isnin. malasnye nauzubillah. semoga aku (akhirnya!) siap benda yang dah tertunggak seminggu itu. aku dah delay keje seminggu ni. seminggu you. tak tau la apa supervisor aku pikir. samada bersyukur sebab tak payah pikir nak bagi keje apa atau pandangan negatip. dah ler benda yang aku kata nak bagi tak terbagi-bagi lagi. isk. so..bad performance already in the 4th week? i guess so. maaf la bos kecik >.<

to a better performance week! biiznillah.

Allahumma inni a'uzubika minal hammi walhazan.
Wa'a'uzubika minal 'ajzi wal kasal
wa'a'uzubika minal jubni wal bukhli
wa 'a'uzubika min ghalabatid daini waqahrir rijaal

esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.
esok isnin. esok isnin.



cukup la post harini. bai.

of 12th lake
mekdonel
and cardigan

i miss.

(tade kene mengena dgn post sblum ni harap maklumat)

there are things you wish you'd never know in the first place
or if there's a delete button, you'd forever want to remove it from your memory

assalamualaikum.
hai hai. bersua kita kembali. rupanya kali terakhir aku post adalah sehari sebelum kelahiran anak buah aku yang terbaru. masya Allah really a cute baby. hihihi. rutin lepas keje adalah jalan menuju parking -> sejukkan kete -> meredah mrr2 dengan doa dan harapan Allah lindungi sampai rumah dengan selamat -> sampai rumah -> basuh tangan & muka -> gomol baby!!! hehehehe..
maka dah masuk minggu ke-4 tempoh prektikel aku kat *ehem*. hmm. boleh tahan la. orang-orangnye baik, mesra gitu. keje pun tak banyak. hahaha. ni pasal takde projek baru la. tapi aku rilek je hold task sampai seminggu sebab kesian nanti supervisor aku tak tau nak bagi keje ape. akakaka.. gitu ler rutin aku ngan kengkawan yg prektikel kat tempat lain yang tak berapa nak busy ni.

dah masuk minggu 4 ni dah takdek la malu sangat aku. ala aku bukannya malu ape. aku kan paling muda remaja. beza umur dgn lelain (kecuali yang prektikel) ade la 10 20 tahun. nak menyembang apeeee. hahaha. takpe la. bole la aku belajo cara menyembang dengan orang lebih sikit umurnya. hikss.

well satu benda yang aku belajar adalah colleagues and friends are two different kind of people you'd know. bila kat tempat kerja, walau mesra mana sekalipun, ada batas-batasannya. contohnya walaupun boss kau baik dan suka bergurau senda bersembang dengan kau sekalipun, kau tetap orang bawahan dia. ingat tu. orang bawahan. maknanya gurau senda sembang-menyembang korang adalah batasnya. tak sama macam member. kalau member, kau gurau ikut tahap kerapatan kau dengan dia. makin rapat makin banyak gurau senda kasarnya. dengan colleagues, kau ada hubungan professional. maknanya ada benda yang kau boleh cerita kongsi gurau bersama dan ada benda yang tak boleh. time kerja, be professional and do your job right. time sukaria, ikut sukalah nak hu ha hu ha cemane pun. betapa tak seronoknya jadik boss aku rasa. hurm.

satu lagi. kau kena sedar umur kau berapa. sebab orang akan judge dan buat andaian tahap kematangan kau berdasarkan umur kau. dan ini turut bermakna kau kena la act matured. ingat tu. act matured. no matter how immature or how you're reluctant to be one. sebab orang kena percayakan kau dari segi keseluruhannya untuk percaya bahawa kau boleh buat kerja. ini juga termasuk dari segi gurau sendaan lawak jenaka, kau kena terima hakikat yang gurau sendaan kau takkan sama macam mana kau gurau senda dengan member-member. lagi-lagi kalau mereka ni tua 10-20 tahun dari kau (nak jugak sebut point ini. kikikiki).

ingat tak aku kata ada brader sorang ni yang mesra alam kat opis aku? rupanya aku sama tarikh birthday dengan dia. patut la banyak persamaan dari segi perwatakan dan gurau sendaan. akakakaka. ni pun aku baru tau tadi. nak kata teruja sangat tu tak la sebab aku pernah jumpa dah 3 orang sama birthday dengan aku. mula-mula ingatkan main-main, lepas tunjuk ic dengan lesen dia baru aku caye. haha.

anyway, kalau nak judge ukhuwah sesama kita, aku rasa ok lah. seronok jugak dengan diorang ni lagi bab bersenda gurau tu. bab task, erm, aku kan memang tak suka kira taking off ni tau. dan aku aku berharap le jugak dapat buat task yang selain taking off ni. huahuahua. takpun pegi jumpa orang and jadik observer. baru la ade macam-macam sikit. entah lah. aku ni pun pergi peram kerja kan. hahaha. takpe. esok kita settle k. lepas seminggu. betapa seminggu nye aku nak siapkan. ya robbi..

setelah 17 hari, ini kali pertama aku tak rasa letih sangat di malam hari. maybe sebab otak berjalan sikit hari ini. yela hari-hari lain duk melanguk je banyak. hikss.

ok lah. tu je.

so, it's the second week, 8th day. i made mistake. actually, the mistake was day 7 but i only realize it today. ekeke. i guess i'm gonna use the "i'm a practical student card" tomorrow. hihihihi. i bet it's because i felt a little bit riya' today. astaghfirullahal'azim.. :(
Alhamdulillah Allah reminded me in such a nice way. it was a careless mistake. an honest one too. it isn't so big but pretty much time consuming. so next time, be careful! >.<

on the other hand, it's raining today Alhamdulillah. and kakak is now in labour room. it was raining too last week when abang's daughter was born. so right now, we're praying as much as we could, hoping Allah would ease kakak to deliver her baby. going to visit her after maghrib insya Allah.

there you go. eventful evening i must say. it was a fine day. i did the task given happily (mostly because i could watch movies while doing it, without feeling much guilt. hehehe). my supervisor gave me enough work for one week! but with the other person's help (mostly because he didn't want to ask for any tasks from his supervisor and cause my task is pretty easy), i think i could finish it on Friday insya Allah. i'm sort of my supervisor's secretary pulak. he usually goes "(my name)! tolong fotostat ni satu." pulak tu meja dia memang menghadap aku. kalau aku free memang obvious betul. tsk tsk..

so, to no mistakes tomorrow! (amiinnn)

akhirnya ....
aku dah siap lipat 2 bakul baju yg dah almost 2 bulan tak berlipat (cuma kluar masuk balik bakul tu pasal dah pakai semula)
dah tukar lapik tilam yang dah setahun kot tak tukar
siap lap habuk tepi-tepi katil
besok nak basuh semua benda yang dah lama patut dibasuh


ahhhh.. terasa lebih hidup begini berbanding 5 hari yang baru aku lalui
dan 5 hari minggu depan

partner says it's still too early. mungkin betul la dia cakap.
so ... i'll give it 2 months. 3 at most.

so, my first week of internship has gone by slowly. very slowly. first day was filled with much nervous and awkward stares. like my God, i just wanna go away from there :(

but the environment is pretty nice. small company, big hearted staffs. total of 8 staffs including me and another practical student. cukuplah untuk 5 bulan. haha. interior design was so-so. company aku pegi interview haritu lagi la nauzubillah interiornya yang dari tahun 80an ke apa. ekeke. company melayu jadiknya cara kerja pun melayu je la. no rushing, no competing. a lot of lazing around time. perhaps it's cause there's no new job la i think. but there's two of them who're always not around. and one of them is my supervisor. oh did i tell you there's actually quite a number of male workers? i thought there's gonna be a lot of woman. maybe women who take up this course decided to go other ways. i'm already feeling it.

anyway, since there's not many people around there, i could remeber the names in less than a day. good thing la. besides, i found the other practical student's twitter account about a day before. haha. so i call everyone much older than me abang and kak. at first it felt very awkward so cause well you know, kadang-kadang orang berabang-abang ni mengada-ngada lebih. yelah dah kita ni muda remaja lagik lepas tu baru lagi tuh kan. tapi disebabkan sorang perempuan yg part time tu pun berabang-abang jugak so kiranya aku follow the flow je lah. masih geli tapi takpe lah. lenkali kalau dapat keje kita terus mulakan dengan encik dan puan ye adik-adik semua.

not sure whether it's because they've been working together for quite a long time or cause it's a small firm, everyone (yg tua sikit la) is quite close with each other. i'm still adjusting and learning to talk to adults. well i'm pretty much in the range of adult age la but i'm not there yet. ekekeke. i'm doing pretty much a lot of clerical works. i'm hoping to get more qs-ing stuff to do next week onwards. i mean, just enough la. don't want to be like my friends having to ot much. for goodness sake it's freaking practical period. huahuahua.

one of the abang there is quite mesra and talkative when he's not busy. it's nice la cause it makes me feel less awkward. one kakak is the admin and quite talkative. also mesra. another kakak and abang are less reactive. quiet much. and these two are the senior qs there. mungkin senior qs memang begini? ekeke. others were quite young. one is probably in his thirties, one is 2 years older than me and another is the same age as me. i've only talk very little with the boss. twice.

but thinking of it again, i can't depend on the environment in terms of growing. i mean, experience wise is okay but knowledge wise, i think i'm gonna have to find ways to work it out.

insya Allah.

time after time

it was rather a stressful evening. we were on our way back. soon after getting out of one after another traffic, we were stuck and had nowhere to go. me at the back, them both in front. the prayer time almost end. i had gone through twitter several times and God knows why internet was almost nowhere to be found. i was silent but they weren't. opinions, opinion and lots of opinions i had to hear.

i was devastated. i know they were too. the drama on tv, they are real. well, almost. it's not like they don't accept the fact, it's just that, you wish things were different. you wish it'll go they way you wanted. well i wouldn't blame them. they've lived longer and much more matured than any of us do. but having to hear it, in the middle of traffic when each one of us just wanna go straight back home and lie on our bed, is the last thing i wanna do.

i wish we are all four. because four is the age you'll be the most honest you could ever be. well, we should be four and tell each and everything we didn't say in front of each other. be four. be honest.

sigh.

i know what went wrong. it's the time. the thing we should've done at that time.

i'll pray for the best. for everyone's best.
i'm sorry. i got a little emotional tonight hence the post.
:'(

sometimes, well, a lot of time, i wish i stay four. because then, i didn't know as much as i do now.


this is the what-have-i-done post. inspired by dr halina.
wassalam.

i find that those cheesy romantic movies, dr phil, men vs women debates aren't solving relationship problems. for some, yes they do help in putting me into perspectives or help me realize the wrong things i do. but thing is, i am the one in that system, and i am the one making the decision. hence, i choose to follow my heart, in which it comes with full (or at least some) senses and of course praying that it is guided by Allah s.w.t.

well, i leave everything to Allah cause He's watching over me, every minute, every breath, every second. He knows me more than anyone, not even myself.

when i read the love and relationship problems in forum (don't blame me. i'm in my idle mood hihihi), i find that, for some, they lack in trust in Allah. not that they don't trust Him but it's just not fully tawakkal'alallah. i was like them too. back then i mean. and the things they asked, i mean, for me you can work it out yourself. having a third point of view is good but not to depend on it. we, the readers, do not know your relationship as much as you do. and we are not in your shoes, hence, it's you yourself who is going to evaluate it.

so please, learn to leave it to Allah. this might be the way God is calling for you.

you know what
you're sad and lonely.
that's it.

out and about.
puking sunshine and rain.
oh rain, i missed you.

enjoying my escapism.
:)

dulu teacher wei pernah cakap kat aku "result kamu ni macam saham. turun naik turun naik."
aku rasa aku memang maintain lah macam tu sampai sekarang. hehe. i don't know what's wrong either. i don't know where did my motivation and enthusiasm go. mr chong was right. what i'm lacking is enthusiasm. hence the never ending procrastination problem. aku rasa aku ada satu lagi problem lah. afraid of getting the centre of attention. it's like, i tend to drawback when i felt like i'm getting a little too much attention. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing :/

so my 2014 resolutions :

do everything lillahita'ala
to keep moving forward
drop the mazmumah
pactice the mahmudah
that said, stop procrastinating!

and they shall be my resolution for the years to come insya Allah.

haritu kat kepsi aku belajar sesuatu yg bermakna.

ceritanya dalam 10 minit je. tapi aku nak panjangkan la. hikhikhik.
sebenarnya aku tak makan dari tengah hari pasal malas nak masak. pastu petang, menurut perintah ke tesco. ahh malas! malas drive! aku dah la tengah dalam fasa trauma nak bawak kete. tapi sebab mak punya malas nak drive tu lagi banyak dari aku, aku redho je lah akhirnya. punye selow aku bawak. wakakaka. biar la asal kami selamat :B

pastu, sepanjang masa aku teringin sangat la nak makan cheesy wedges. tapi sebab aku malas nak beratur dan tunggu cheesy wedges siap (kan dia selalu cakap "boleh tunggu sekejap?") maka aku redho je lah beli dunkin donut. ni aku memang dah lapar tahap lembik ni. lepas tu tibe-tibe mak cakap "eh mak nak makan kepsi tu la ape tu nama yg balut2 tu?" aku menjawab "wrap wrap tu. dah takde la. dia kejap je dulu." mak meneruskan "alah mak lapar la. belikan la wedges wedges."

setelah meninjau kepsi yg ramai pulak org beratur time tu dan sekali lagi bertarung dengan kemalasan nak menunggu, aku redho je lah pegi beratur. masa tu 2 kaunter je bukak. dedua line ada 3 org. jadiknye kalau aku beratur mana-mana pun sama je lah. aku beratur line kiri. pastu tibe-tibe mamat kat line kanan ni blah pegi kat meja. aku pun berfikir "eh eh org ni tanak order ke? klau aku tak amik tempat dia kang orang lain amik yedakk?" maka terus dgn selamber tukar line. dalam seminit lepas tu mamat tu datang balik. dia tengok-tengok jugak aku tapi dia redho je lah beratur line sebelah amik tempat aku tadi. lepas tu datang la jimbo baik bisik kepada aku "haihh.. kesian pulak dia ni dah beratur dari tadi aku amik tempat dia."
jimbo jahat berkata "tapi dia yg dah blah tadi so bukan salah aku la."
jimbo baik meneruskan bicara "alaa kesian la.. dia pegi kejap je pun. bagi je la balik tempat dia."
last-last jimbo baik menang. aku pun give up je la tempat tu kat dia. tapi dia tanak la mula-mula tapi aku suruh je la dia beratur situ. aku redho je la beratur kat kiri balik. lepas tu, line kanan tu pun dah bergerak. aku pikir jugak, kalau aku jadik org lain yg menengok mungkin fikir "eh ngok pulak engko ni pegi bagi balik tempat kat dia siapa suruh.kan dah kena tunggu lama sikit." tapi hurmm. biarlah. dah la dia pun tgh beratur untuk anak bini dia.

pastu secara tak semena-mena kaunter ketiga bukak. gadis itu bagi isyarat suruh datang pastu aku pun perasan sorang-sorang la isyarat tu untuk aku. pastu orang lain tak gerak. aku gerak je la pegi kaunter tu. maka akhirnya dapat la cheesy wedges yang diidamkan sepanjang petang. hehehe. dah siap-siap buat pulak tu takyah la "boleh tunggu sekejap?". maka aku pun berlalu.

nak kata sebenarnya kadang-kadang benda yg kita buat tu mula-mula kena la lillahita'ala. lepas tu, kdg2 kita betul-betul tak berniat untuk dapat benda yang akhirnya untuk benefit kita maka perbuatan kita nampak macam melepaskan rezeki. tapi percayalah pada rezeki Allah yg tak pernah salah alamat. sekarang terlepas, akan datang dia datang balik. kalau bukan dia bukan mungkin yang lain.

aku overthinking sangat ni =.=

i envy my peers who had the opportunity to travel the world, explore the nature, enjoy a lot of time with friends and whatnot. i really do. tipulah kalau aku kata aku tak teringin jugak.
but learning about priorities and measuring shirt at my own body (ukur baju di badan sendiri kehkehkeh), aku tau aku tak boleh nak suka hati pergi. i have to consider mak and pak (well considering now that i can gain a lot of pahala by treating them well enough and they are still the ones who bears my sins and responsible of me) and my own finances. yelah. tak keje lagi. segan lah nak mintak duit mak bapak. cukuplah diorang dah sponser trip melbeng tahun lepas dengan bayar yuran serta tanggung makan minum aku dari kecik. i'm more than grateful for that Alhamdulillah..

i know that Allah is the Most Fair. i believe it with all my heart soul. hence, i may have not been able to explore as much as my peers but if i pray good and as much, i believe He'll replace the joy i missed with something better biiznillah. and for now until forever when i see joy of exploring i missed, i'll keep on praying that He will guide me to do other stuff that will improve myself and gain my reward hence increase my rank in jannah. like, well, i don't know lah. i mean, some people had to leave all the fun dunya stuff in order to nurse their parents. some had to let go of big dunya reward considering they had to take care of their child. masya Allah.. they must've special place in jannah, no?

so all you guys out there who are in somewhat similar shoes with me, don't fret. yes it's true that you'll learn much more when you go out and set yourself free. however some things just happen beyond our control no matter how much we try to get over it. let's keep on praying that someday, some better days, Allah will let us get the same kind of experience when the right time comes. in this world or hereafter insya Allah.

earlier today i read sheikh waleed's post on investing for yourself in term of reading, skills, trvelling and whatnot.
so, after few days of lazing around at home, ehem, bismillahirrohmanirrohim, i'm going to (finally!!) plan my life. hehe. i know it's a bit too late (or still early for some other..kot?). i still have no idea what it's gonna be. in my mind, i have plenty things to be accomplished in few years time insya Allah. but i need a lot of courage and strong motives to do so. i still don't have a solid plan though. and still ponder upon the few things i'm gonna have to let go.

may Allah guide.

tadi jumpa dengan jaja.
akhirnya. selepas 2 tahun lebih. rindu betul waktu-waktu pasum dulu. sekarang dah bawak haluan masing-masing. paling mengejutkan masa dia cerita nak tunang dulu! fuh. perasaan dia macam break up. wakakaa. ni aku baca kat twitter haritu. ape ntah. tapi ye betul jugak. dah jadi tanggungjawab orang lain, hak orang lain, feeling pun dah lain. tak sangka betul. last aku jumpa dulu, dia baru nak kenal dengan laki dia. next time jumpa dah beranak ke kan. amiiinnnn. walaupun awkward sikit keluar bertiga sebab biasanya berdua... huhuhu.

masing-masing pun dah berubah. lebih matang kot. entahlah. yang pastinya, aku masih belum bersedia nak dengar lawak orang kahwin. dia macam ... krikkrikkrik... kat rumah pun kena dengar lawak orang kahwin. ohmaiiiii.
i'm happy seeing you happy. may Allah bless your marriage till jannah :)