ba-thumps tss

My English has become real rustic. Oh wait, bahasa melayu pun sama. It’s like I never read or write these days. I really miss the time when I’d freely read, write or talk anytime I’d wanted to. Seems like I don’t have time for myself anymore. I’m depressed. Like so depressed. Knowing that I don’t even know the right word to use than depress when I’m sure that depress is the wrong word. Let’s just say… I’m a leftover. Well.. almost. Maybe? Well who knows. I just bought the novel. One after another non-fiction I barely read (and piling up more and more these days). I’ll try to get back to fantasy, romantic, comedy, la-la land novels. Just for a little while.

I’ve lost my senses God knows when. I’ve been browsing through youtube trying to find good chic flicks just so I could feel again that oohh I’m in loveee. Not in real life kind of love. Say, flying through the clouds and never will step my feet on land ever again kind of love. Terribly wrong I tell you. Can’t think of other ways to get around it too. And can’t even find movies good enough to move me inside out. It’s like, I’ve less free-doing-nothing time and I don’t wanna waste it for long boring-kinda-trashy movies. So I’m always re-watching old movies. Just to “feel” it again. Like what I felt back when I watched it.

So here’s me, trying to re-live my teenage life again. Denial or whatevs yea yea shut up.

These days I refused to fall asleep early. Or sometimes, I get so tired I can’t tell why I’m still wearing what I’ve been wearing for the past 12 hours with my eyes shut. It’s a good thing if I could take my shower, pray and eat dinner in a blink of eye. That’s my dream if you’d asked me every Monday to Friday after 6.01 p.m. And it is also safe to say family has booked me through the weekend. I do sometimes have a day out with my friends. It’s either that or my sister will clingy-ly texted me to pick her up (or she’ll drop by) so I could go out with her for some baby stuff. Really clingy I tell you. Texted me almost everyday at work. And she’s the one to complain of me calling partner about an hour at night. I don’t date. I don’t have a night out. And she still complain of me not participating in (so called) bonding session with my family. She even has a child already who would someday be her bff (hopefully lol). Real. Clingy. She always had her day out with friends when before she got married. And still complain of me. Pfftth.

To get married is off the table now. At least for the next 3 years or so. Other girls in my family are starting to open up this topic (with much anticipation and worried face everytime). I supposed that it’s my life and God has His great plan for me in married life section so I hope they’d see it like I do too. But having said that, they’re the girls in my family, especially mak, and they love love love me so much so I’d just appreciate it as it is. If you’d read previous paragraph, you’d probably see why I wouldn’t be getting any surprise wedding proposal (like in most of my dreams) by some rich bastard or prince (of any country is fine). I've change my taste. Wait. I even have taste now lol. I remember liking Mong Ryong more than Ahjusshi but realized now that Ahjusshi has more charisma than Mong Ryong who was pretty immature (I've yet to finish the whole series again so bare with me). Besides, the forum guy who i thought was pretty cool (back when I was 14 or so) now clearly is just a poyo guy who self-claimed to be Dr. Love. Yes I know it's pretty clear when I said self-claimed but I was 14 (or so) okayyyy. Wearing skirt was almost equivalent to suicide. LOL.

And work. Ahhh.. my most favourable topic. I currently am still stucked in where I was a year ago. I almost got out of it but God knows why I backed off. Yes. I. Backed. Off. I’ve made peace with my surroundings months ago when I realized.. Well.. I didn’t really remember what I realized at that time but I just did. So I’d probably stick to where I am for another… well.. I’ve not new plan yet. But previous blueprint is set still. Just that the road has probably been diverted here and there. Hopefully.

I think that re-defining my life is what I needed the most now. To define what I do, why I do and my most important relationship. With God. New phase, new definition. Probably be the same old or perhaps it’s really a new one that I’d yet discover once I took my shower later. Much later.

So that’s it. My long awaited life update. I’m the one waiting for these update actually *insert awkward laugh out loud puns*. Adult life is boring.

i'm pretty devastated today. all year long i've had one place to go in my mind. it seems hopeless now.
even more hopeless when you were stuck at home nursing your (although) loved ones while scrolling instagram looking at how friends are all happy going through what you wish you had. there's even the big question going around your mind. even worse, when you knew that deep down, although the remuneration looks great, you really so dearly do not want it.

so really. should i go?

all i could think of now is, He is the best of planner. always have, always will.