wow last post in june. really nothing much to write. kat wattpad. kat personal blog. kat twitter pun. nothing much. huhuhu

mungkin sebab takde buat azam berjela dan details macam tahun sebelum-sebelumnya, aku takde expect pape pun tahun ni. dah tu buat azam tahun ni yang membawa kepada 2021 pulak tu haha. despite the unexpected pandemic, Allah dah bagi banyak sangat & permudahkan hidup aku. new more stable job. passed core subject masya Allah. dan sihat walafiat. the sad thing is i didn't thank as much.

so 2021, nak masuk 30, aku berharap untuk menjadi lebih tenang dan rileks. dan paling penting nak zahirkan kesyukuran sebanyak banyaknya. untuk orang-orang tersayang, mohon dikurniakan kesihatan yang baik dan bertambah-tambah iman dan taqwa.

setahun dulu aku tengah countdown nak pergi the place i've missed all my life sambil siap sedia nak habiskan sem. dah nak dekat exam masa tu.

 

this year i'm still here. heart full Alhamdulillah. my aim in 2020 was to find a partner & if that fails, aku teruskan 2021 dengan menghabiskan study dan nak mengembara. pukul 12 malam ni secara rasminya aku gagal dan aku kunci segala pintu hati yang ada untuk entah berapa lama. nampaknya tak kawen la aku 2021 ni since tak jumpa partner lagi. so, target 2021 adalah habiskan study & mengembara. dengan keadaan pandemik yang tak surut-surut ni aku rasa part mengembara tu aku kuncupkan ke dalam negara je lah. siapa sangka trip januari haritu adalah satu-satunya trip aku berjalan jauh tahun ni. i'm in awe every time i remember it. tak tau nak zahirkan macam mana sebab tak tau nak explain perasaan kecil dan kerdilnya diri ni..

so 2021, only thankfulness, habiskan study, jalan-jalan, mohon Allah kurniakan kesihatan buat diri dan orang-orang tersayang.

been trying to write here few times but end up crossing everything off. adulthood is confusing. when you had that rage, you can speak about anything. but then everything else kicks in and you'll stop and walk away. we're not very expressive anymore. we turned this considerate person who'd think of consequences before taking any move. and that's probably why i missed that one chance out.

i'm still not over what i did 3 months ago. i caught feels. i was confused with my own self. i let myself out once again. yet, i was afraid and didn't actually let myself all out. i was scared of another heartbreak. yes, staying at home was one of the reasons. but it wasn't the sole reason. i did have the intention to find a partner this year. i thought of utilising the quarantine time to do it. and when a non-cringed match came, i thought of giving it a try. but i was still afraid. of me. of that person. of just... anything. maybe he didn't make me confident enough to move. maybe i wasn't letting my past go yet hence i couldn't move. maybe it was a bit of both. but i realised that i was all ready to move. finally. maybe there's still bits & pieces left but i am no more clinging on to what was gone.

i miss having someone to talk to about anything. i miss hearing about someone's day. i miss clinging on to someone. i miss giving attention to someone. i miss the comfort in knowing there's someone who'd be willing to spend the rest of life with you... sharing your life together and strive to be better together...

i am thankful for the time i have with my family especially with my parents now. what i miss doesn't cancel that out..

takdir Tuhan, kalau berseorang itulah untuk aku, mungkin yang sebaiknya. mungkin masanya akan tiba jua aku perlu belajar untuk memeluk rasa kesunyian ini yang akan tiba menjengah sekali sekala.

Ramadhan! ^.^

Alhamdulillah direzekikan lagi untuk bertemu dengan Ramadhan tahun ni dalam keadaan sihat walafiat. moga Ramadhan kali ni lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

it felt so surreal. teringat balik. ramadhan tahun lepas. duduk kat kafe tunggu waktu buka dengan kawan-kawan. it hit me then. i never thought that i'd be celebrating ramadhan that way. huhuhu.. masa tu rasa dah cukup unik dah. tengok-tengok tahun ni lagi unik.

anyway, semuanya untuk kita syukuri. dan semuanya untuk menjadi asbab kita semakin dekat dengan Allah.

initially thought of doing my pending assignments but God knows how much distraction twitter is! hahah salahkan twitter kan. siap edit gambo lagi eiiiiiiiiiiii.

tak siapa dapat jangka apa yang akan berlaku. you think anyone would make 2020 resolution considering a month long movement control order? hahaha.. anyway, benda bersejarah dalam hidup la terlibat dengan kawalan pergerakan macam. i think i need to immortalise this in writing.
 january to march flew by really, really fastest. gitu punya laju kan..

apa-apa pun, aku bersyukur untuk setiap rezeki yang Allah dah bagi kat aku. on this date 2 bulan lepas, aku baru je habis jetlag dan masih konfius dengan panggilan telefon yang tak terjangka. a flow of confusion yet thankfulness. and here, two months after, i did not thought that i'd be here like this.

5 bulan aku bergolek. dan di hari pertama aku masuk tempat baru terus dpt announcement cuti. i was confused. to say whether it was a bless or otherwise. risau. but i've to term that everything i ever got is from Allah anyway. dan sesungguhnya setiap satunya punya hikmah manis untuk aku fikir dan syukuri. Alhamdulillah..

aku nak tulis beza goyang kaki 5 bulan dan sebulan ni kat tempat lebih public. tengok la kalau rajin hahaha.

maybe i should write somewhere else. hmm.

tonight i feel extra melancholy. rasa macam nak tengok movie sedih nangis-nangis je hahaha tebiat sehh..

1 year 7 months.

tests came with a multifold of hikmah. bapak told me today that perhaps he and mader would've been elsewhere instead of where we'd been to over a month ago. perhaps if i didn't decide to leave, he wouldn't have thought of going with mader and me. and the news of travel ban yesterday perhaps made him ponder deeply into what was unknown to us previously.

as angry as i was, perhaps it was the best to leave it right there and then. despite year long of resisting, perhaps it was the right place for me to be.

changed to crappier job. too mad at myself that it pushed me to continue my study. resulting in ending my almost decade long of relationship. struggling to cope while accepting qadr. finally calmed down and rebuild myself. yet again pushed to corner and took drastic decision to leave. and here i am today. unfolding these gifts from Allah, one after another.

Alhamdulillahillazi bini'matihi tatimmussolihat

bapak perhaps muhasabah a lot and said i brought barakah (referring to our last trip). i'm not sure. i think it was not me who brought it. but rather he himself did. it was him who spent that much just to bring me over. i only tagged along. and he has never been the stingy type when it comes to spending for goodness and livelihood of his family.


now where's that sad movie i was looking for............

fuh no post at all throughout january. actually ada je menaip tapi kat wattpad sebab malas gila nak bukak laptop hikhikhik..

aduh. banyak benda nak taip tadi tapi hilang dah. ciscoscus!!

ok la bai