been trying to write here few times but end up crossing everything off. adulthood is confusing. when you had that rage, you can speak about anything. but then everything else kicks in and you'll stop and walk away. we're not very expressive anymore. we turned this considerate person who'd think of consequences before taking any move. and that's probably why i missed that one chance out.

i'm still not over what i did 3 months ago. i caught feels. i was confused with my own self. i let myself out once again. yet, i was afraid and didn't actually let myself all out. i was scared of another heartbreak. yes, staying at home was one of the reasons. but it wasn't the sole reason. i did have the intention to find a partner this year. i thought of utilising the quarantine time to do it. and when a non-cringed match came, i thought of giving it a try. but i was still afraid. of me. of that person. of just... anything. maybe he didn't make me confident enough to move. maybe i wasn't letting my past go yet hence i couldn't move. maybe it was a bit of both. but i realised that i was all ready to move. finally. maybe there's still bits & pieces left but i am no more clinging on to what was gone.

i miss having someone to talk to about anything. i miss hearing about someone's day. i miss clinging on to someone. i miss giving attention to someone. i miss the comfort in knowing there's someone who'd be willing to spend the rest of life with you... sharing your life together and strive to be better together...

i am thankful for the time i have with my family especially with my parents now. what i miss doesn't cancel that out..

takdir Tuhan, kalau berseorang itulah untuk aku, mungkin yang sebaiknya. mungkin masanya akan tiba jua aku perlu belajar untuk memeluk rasa kesunyian ini yang akan tiba menjengah sekali sekala.