around four years ago i was in a deep mess. it was a messy cycle happened again and again and keep on happening. i was lost. i couldn't tell what was really wrong but i know that something wasn't right. Yasmin Mogahed was about to get famous at that time. i read few of her posts and quite touched with the views she's trying to put her readers into. one fine evening, i simply click the play button of one her podcasts. Masya Allah it was by the mercy of Allah that He let me stumble across such beautiful lecture. something i actually needed at that time. but i did not hear it until the end. run out of focus towards the end.

and tonight i was looking for the lecture just to remind myself of what was one of the turning point in my life before. subhanallah I'm truly blessed to be able to hear it till the end tonight. who knows that the ending part is really what i needed now. same lecture different part.

i'm currently going through the same mess again. different situation but similar to the previous one.
and that this is actually a healing process rather than a punishment (i hope).
that the heart hurts for being attached to worldly affairs.
that it is learning to attach itself to what matters the most.
that i shall stop seeing the creation and see Allah instead.
that this process will happen over and over again.

2016...insya Allah i'll be focusing on shifting my focus towards the right one..

biidznillah.

kalau aku dapat simpulkan, 2015 adalah tahun paling banyak aku mengeluh tentang kehidupan sendiri. mungkin jugak tahun paling aku tak bersyukur atas sebab-sebab yang tak sepatutnya. yang mana ayat berulang ulang dalam surah Ar-Rahman tu memang dah sepatutnya menampar aku beratus kali tahun ni.

dalam keadaan sedar sebenarnya jalan yang aku pilih dah banyak makan diri aku. awal tahun dulu aku mungkin tak rasa apa sangat sebab Tuhan bagi nikmat kewujudan kawan-kawan yang boleh 'in' kat tempat kerja. yang boleh aku terhibur gelak berdekah sikit kadang-kadang. masa tu aku negatif sangat dengan environment tempat aku nih walaupun sebenarnya takda apa sangat. lepas tu syukur Alhamdulillah aku dah sampai satu point di mana aku sedar that i don't give a damn about everyone else in the office. masa nih masih ada member huha huha lagi bole cer aa hahahaha. kemudian aku makin dipercayai untuk melakukan lebih banyak tugas, which i later decided to run away to another place and decided not to pulak. well memang bangang sikit bunyik dia tapi macam tu lah keadaannya.

dan kini, di penghujung 2015, aku dah mula belajar untuk stress dengan kerja. tapi kali ni aku tak rasa nak lari macam dulu-dulu. aku rasa nak hilang terus hahahaha. 2 hari lepas aku kena bambu. biasa la tu. tapi kali ni punya bambu mai sekali dengan kerisauan mak bila anak dia duk pi jauh-jauh sebab kerja. lantas di saat itu timbul dalam benakku "berbaloi ke semua ni? berbaloi ke kena bambu? berbaloi ke mak abah risau? berbaloi ke buat benda yang ]aku asyik keluhkan?"

partner dan kak ipar dah pesan, jangan buat keputusan waktu emosi. dan mengambil pengajaran daripada perbuatan beberapa bulan lepas, aku akan fikir luar dalam, kurangkan emosi waktu berfikir dan baru buat keputusan.

mungkin sebab tengok classmate dah berenti kerja dan lari terus dari bidang ni buat aku bersemangat sikit nak lari jugak wahahahaha.

esok ada meeting dengan klien yang aku malas nak mengadap dah. knowing them, i could forecast how tomorrow's meeting gonna be like. dan aku menyampah sebenarnya nak pi kerja esok. my former (and still is) client, although a bit fussy at times, were better off working with a system. i keep telling myself that this is the punishment for me. and still believe that it is. this is probably the way The Almighty is trying to make me cut off the worldly attachment since i have been blindly attaching my heart to worldly matters when i technically know that He's indeed the only one i should attach my heart to. bukan aku tak tau. cuma kadang-kadang tu nak feeling tu datang kita kena lalui benda tu sendiri baru boleh install dalam hati ni. aku masih cuba untuk berenang ke tepian pantai.

sekarang hati aku tengah sakit betul rasa nak mengadap report. rasa menyampah. nak pegang report pun taknak. pandang report dengan ekor mata pun rasa geram dah. macam tu lah punya silapnya aku meletakkan priority dalam hati ni. kerja dan manusia atas, Tuhan kat bawah.

May Allah guide...

:(

so i was on my way to pulau in the afternoon. aku pandang laut. tetibe baru terpikir berapa dalam la dasar laut ni. pastu baru pikir nun ke bawah ada makhluk ciptaan Allah. atas pun ada.

tu je.

partner baru lepas kutuk aku sebab tak pikir panjang. aku baru sedar. dengan cara yang tak menyenangkan. haha. sudahlah. kalau aku pikir panjang mungkin aku ngan partner pun dah tak partner dah. cewah.

harini aku ten si on dengan kerja. bukan pasal kerja sangat sebenarnya. lebih kepada ten si on dengan diri sendiri. dan orang lain. untuk julung kalinya aku tengok secara live orang memaki. well ulang tayang je sebenarnya. and i hate to be witnessing all these stuff. it's a vicious cycle of anger. aku dibesarkan dengan nilai kesantunan dan adab-adab yang mulia. it's sad to see how one could become with that little power and money Allah has blessed one with. dan betul la mungkin kalau aku keep on being nice (or should i better say no maki-maki) aku kena pijak. teruk punya pijak. orang nampak kita easy target.

dan aku tak sampai hati nak main kotor. or one would say full of tactics. i'm not that kind. aku tak boleh nak tenang kalau trick orang untuk dapatkan apa aku nak. berapa jauh sangat la boleh pergi dengan benda yang aku dapat tu. tak bawak mati pun. aku tak boleh nak game atau manipulate orang untuk kesukaan aku sendiri. can't even do it even if it's not for me.

aku taknak pun job yang aku perlu memaki maki orang supaya kerja siap. aku tak suka memaki. aku sebolehnya cuba untuk rasional dan bertenang dalam menyelesaikan tugas. but i'm surrounded with this kind of shit and there come times when i lost. i lost big time. aku disedut dan terjadi seperti tahi yang aku benci.

aku kena balajar untuk melangkah. melangkah menjadi manusia yang redha dan lebih berpegang kepada ketentuan Illahi.

dan kesimpulannya hari ini, i hate my job.

i guess it was not meant for me. i'm a little devastated. perhaps i did put a little too much confident. well i really did want it. and through time i believe, insya Allah, better things will come. only that i don't know what it is now. probably He wanted to teach me to believe in His wisdom.

for the past week i've set my mind that i will be gone soon. that my dear, will have to change.

having to face this really annoying new client is part of His plan. on making a better me.

to moving on, insya Allah.

on the side note, i did enjoyed going to my friend's wedding yesterday. having to meet some long time friends was what i really need. seven years ago seems like yesterday. friends said that i never change. tak tau la pujian ke sabliknya. hahaha. and they didn't change either. or perhaps it's a revertigo thing? well i don't know. i know that i acted differently around the office. professional konon. wakakaka.

ok la bai.

tadi petang rushing balik rumah selepas mendapat pesanan mata kecik boss kakakaka. k.
kemudian dengan pantas aku memulakan langkah membuat ripotttt.
taip.. taip.. taip..
eh macam tak kena lah.
ok copy paste yang lama.
bukak file, eh eh, tarikh betul-betul setahun lepas.
i'm amazed yuollzzz.
hehehe

"so what's the deal with me?"
"your instinct hates it while your mind is trying to reason why you should be staying."
"then what do i do?"
"make them intersect."
"how? like really, how?"
"i don't know. i could say anything but it's your life. you suffer. that's the different between me and you."


and Allah says He guides whom He guides.
and that with difficulties comes ease.
and that in His wisdom i should trust.

Tak lama dulu aku terjumpa 2 simpang.

Sebab dah beberapa bulan aku cuba untuk lari dari 2 simpang yg menuju penghujung yg sama.

Mati.                                               

Aku cuba cipta simpang ketiga.

Dan aku gagal troxx.

Masa tu aku kecewa. Dalam jugak kecewa tu.

Aku kecewa untuk dua benda yg masa tu pun aku sendiri aku rasa aku manusia paling tak bersyukur.

Jadi atas sebab apa yang aku tak tahu, Tuhan datangkan balik tiga jalan yang aku dah lupakan atas sebab kesibukan dunia tak bertepi.

Jalan keempat pun muncul. Macam mana muncul? It goes way back to what I initially thought I might do. Years from now of course. Dan aku dah lupakan jugak.

These days I felt like not talking even a words.

Rasa macam setiap biji kata-kata datang melemparkan diri ke pipi aku.

Dan setiap kali buat aku tertanya-tanya.

Dan satu kepastian. Without fail, He amazed me in ways I’ve never thought of. My Creator, The All-known.

Jadi untuk kali ni aku lebih tenang. Mungkin Dia nak aku bertenang dan fikir masak-masak dulu. Things are more complicated than it looks. Aku pun tak pasti nak citer macam mane. Dah la. Bai.

ba-thumps tss

My English has become real rustic. Oh wait, bahasa melayu pun sama. It’s like I never read or write these days. I really miss the time when I’d freely read, write or talk anytime I’d wanted to. Seems like I don’t have time for myself anymore. I’m depressed. Like so depressed. Knowing that I don’t even know the right word to use than depress when I’m sure that depress is the wrong word. Let’s just say… I’m a leftover. Well.. almost. Maybe? Well who knows. I just bought the novel. One after another non-fiction I barely read (and piling up more and more these days). I’ll try to get back to fantasy, romantic, comedy, la-la land novels. Just for a little while.

I’ve lost my senses God knows when. I’ve been browsing through youtube trying to find good chic flicks just so I could feel again that oohh I’m in loveee. Not in real life kind of love. Say, flying through the clouds and never will step my feet on land ever again kind of love. Terribly wrong I tell you. Can’t think of other ways to get around it too. And can’t even find movies good enough to move me inside out. It’s like, I’ve less free-doing-nothing time and I don’t wanna waste it for long boring-kinda-trashy movies. So I’m always re-watching old movies. Just to “feel” it again. Like what I felt back when I watched it.

So here’s me, trying to re-live my teenage life again. Denial or whatevs yea yea shut up.

These days I refused to fall asleep early. Or sometimes, I get so tired I can’t tell why I’m still wearing what I’ve been wearing for the past 12 hours with my eyes shut. It’s a good thing if I could take my shower, pray and eat dinner in a blink of eye. That’s my dream if you’d asked me every Monday to Friday after 6.01 p.m. And it is also safe to say family has booked me through the weekend. I do sometimes have a day out with my friends. It’s either that or my sister will clingy-ly texted me to pick her up (or she’ll drop by) so I could go out with her for some baby stuff. Really clingy I tell you. Texted me almost everyday at work. And she’s the one to complain of me calling partner about an hour at night. I don’t date. I don’t have a night out. And she still complain of me not participating in (so called) bonding session with my family. She even has a child already who would someday be her bff (hopefully lol). Real. Clingy. She always had her day out with friends when before she got married. And still complain of me. Pfftth.

To get married is off the table now. At least for the next 3 years or so. Other girls in my family are starting to open up this topic (with much anticipation and worried face everytime). I supposed that it’s my life and God has His great plan for me in married life section so I hope they’d see it like I do too. But having said that, they’re the girls in my family, especially mak, and they love love love me so much so I’d just appreciate it as it is. If you’d read previous paragraph, you’d probably see why I wouldn’t be getting any surprise wedding proposal (like in most of my dreams) by some rich bastard or prince (of any country is fine). I've change my taste. Wait. I even have taste now lol. I remember liking Mong Ryong more than Ahjusshi but realized now that Ahjusshi has more charisma than Mong Ryong who was pretty immature (I've yet to finish the whole series again so bare with me). Besides, the forum guy who i thought was pretty cool (back when I was 14 or so) now clearly is just a poyo guy who self-claimed to be Dr. Love. Yes I know it's pretty clear when I said self-claimed but I was 14 (or so) okayyyy. Wearing skirt was almost equivalent to suicide. LOL.

And work. Ahhh.. my most favourable topic. I currently am still stucked in where I was a year ago. I almost got out of it but God knows why I backed off. Yes. I. Backed. Off. I’ve made peace with my surroundings months ago when I realized.. Well.. I didn’t really remember what I realized at that time but I just did. So I’d probably stick to where I am for another… well.. I’ve not new plan yet. But previous blueprint is set still. Just that the road has probably been diverted here and there. Hopefully.

I think that re-defining my life is what I needed the most now. To define what I do, why I do and my most important relationship. With God. New phase, new definition. Probably be the same old or perhaps it’s really a new one that I’d yet discover once I took my shower later. Much later.

So that’s it. My long awaited life update. I’m the one waiting for these update actually *insert awkward laugh out loud puns*. Adult life is boring.

i'm pretty devastated today. all year long i've had one place to go in my mind. it seems hopeless now.
even more hopeless when you were stuck at home nursing your (although) loved ones while scrolling instagram looking at how friends are all happy going through what you wish you had. there's even the big question going around your mind. even worse, when you knew that deep down, although the remuneration looks great, you really so dearly do not want it.

so really. should i go?

all i could think of now is, He is the best of planner. always have, always will.

setahun kemudian ... how far have i gone eh? well let's see.. i'm still clueless of what to do after this, that's for sure. haha. still will be going around this field probably for a little more while. one sure thing is i've probably scratch off pursuing masters degree for good.  i'm sorry mummy wouldn't be able to brag about having her daughter flying off elsewhere but i've come to a conclusion that i am the one living my life so bare with me. insya Allah what's to come will be better than what has gone.

getting busier now. felt like i've been working non-stop since raya. it's like baruuuu je masuk lepas raya kan eh laa dah masuk bulan 9 keeee. there's a very short break in between but nothing more than a 10 minutes mind off any tasks. eleh macam la aku ni senior hahahaha. anyway, a change for environment sounds good now that i think i've learned quite a lot of things from my current workplace. a lot more to explore here but i'm thinking of going back to structural works. yeah yeah headache here come!! hahahaha. still not have the courage to jump out though cause when you wanted a job based on experience then people will have expectations over you and i hate that because i just do hahahahahahahahaaha.

this is me having konon-konon late night thought. i missed a lot of people and a lot of things but we're moving on aren't we?

.post that awkward moment.

dim light of the lamp post
by the roadside
a bench
for a little while i thought you were there with me.

el fin.

tadi ingat nak buat post ajet2 cam humble tapi kalau baca balik macam holier than thou.
pastu google menguji kesabaran.
dan aku gagal dalam ujian berkenaan.
sekian dari saya malam ini.
tet.

i struggle to live in my own little world.
i hope you do too, everyone.

bekerja dia sebuah syarikat yang punyai semangat assabiyah yang tinggi mengajar aku untuk mengadakan hubungan diplomatik tapi jangan fake.

aku tengah menikmati hari-hari menghadap komputer secara banyak ni.

tetibe terpikir nak taip.

lepas habis belajar memang aku lost. lost habis. tak tau kemana.
nak teruskan dalam bidang ni? macam takde "passion".
nak pergi bidang lain? mana ha mana? mana so called "passion" tu nak pergi?
nak goyang kaki? tak boleh lama. mak dgn abah dah tak boleh support. well secara teknikalnya mampu la tapi sampai bila nak jadi tanggungan mak abah?
nak sambung belajar? belajar apa? masters? phd? bidang apa? dah tadi kata take "passion" kan. lagipun, siapa nak bayar? yuran, duit poket, kos pergi balik.

dan aku banyak kali termenung. tempat praktikal aku dulu ada la hint suruh hantar resume. tapi entahlah. masa tu aku fikir konon-konon jauh jugak. ingat lagi masa tu on the way balik ofis dari site. kemain jauh lagi aku tengok luar tingkap. akakakaka. masa tu kalau ikut akal, aku nak jer keje situ. consultant firm, banyak belajar. ofis tu pun aku dah biasa. aku suka tempat tu. jujur aku kata, memang aku suka kawasan situ. tapi disebabkan aku emosi sangat masa tu, aku tak hantar resume. cam bongok jugak sebenarnya alasan untuk beremosi tu tapi whatever. aku yakin, emosi tu datang dengan hikmahnya (lepas dah fikir balik ni la wahaha). mungkin kalau tak sebab emosi sgt masa tu, aku pun masih kat situ sekarang. mungkin je la.

tapi aku yakin. yang lebih baik adalah berada tempat sekarang. yang mana lepas dah 7 bulan baru aku nampak. hikmah-hikmah manis yang Allah dah sediakan untuk aku. banyak aku belajar. dan dalam banyak-banyak aku belajar tu, aku syukur sangat disebabkan aku beremosi sampai tak mintak keje kat tempat praktikal dulu, aku sebenarnya dapat apa yang sebenar benar benarnya aku nak. mula dulu aku ingat, aku nak belajar banyak kat consultant firm sebab aku risau aku tak dapat belajar kat tempat lain. tapi Allah tu Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hambanya lebih drp apa yg hambanya tahu. aku masih belajar benda yg aku rasa aku patut belajar kat tempat lain. siap benda-benda ekstra lagi.

dan sekarang, aku kembali di persimpangan yang aku cipta. biiznillah.

meniti alam pekerjaan ni buat aku sedar yang walau macamana tak sukanya aku pada sesuatu rutin/keaaan/perkara/seumpanya, dan walau macamana resistant nya aku (makin resistant makin menjadi), sampai satu tahap, well.. i'll get use to it. mungkin dah lama sebenarnya aku tau tapi tak perasan. macam masa mula-mula masuk sekolah menengah dulu. i (almost) quietly resist the idea of changing school. i missed my friend really really much (back then). tapi bulan berganti dan lepas setahun, akhirnya, bak kata wani ardy, i finally make peace with myself. i accept everything that has gone by and in between. i made friends for life, i finished high school just fine. dan bila fikir balik, syukur Alhamdulillah aku tak la kepala batu sangat (kayu mungkin) sebab tak sungguh-sungguh mintak tukar balik sekolah dulu. dan mungkin sebab aku matang sikit walaupun rewmawjeww dan tak nak pentingkan diri sorang-sorang. kihkih.

maka sekarang, walau aku resistant sangat pada mulanya (balik rumah hari-hari cakap nak berenti), i think i'm starting to make peace with myself. and with my surrounding at work. i sure miss the nice family-like environment during my practical days but that was then. though it's really hard to say this but i'm enjoying the things i'm doing. well enjoying is not really the word but can't really think of any now. the drama, the people, well.. new things everyday. syukur ada teman berbual bicara. syukur berpeluang memahami maksud "pengalaman". tak tahu berapa lama lagi kat sini but i'm just going to cherish every second i have.

still, everything must come to an end. insya Allah soon but without much hatred anymore.

macam partner cakap, i'm at the right place for now.

:)

aku nak kopipes lagu sikit


The real reason
the real reason
why I call you every now and then
is because I’m afraid of forgetting your voice
(sometimes I do)
Am I a bad girl?
Am I a bad girl
if I look at your picture and couldn’t recall
how it felt like to be physically by your side?
If you still remember the person I am
you’ll remember what sad memory capability I have
For a forgetful fella like me,
distance is never a best friend
-you’re so far
like a stranger I have a crush on
I’ll just wait
I’ll just wait
for you to come and be my date
I’ll get to know you
I’ll get to know your favourite food
I have allergies, I do
I’ll make you write for me
I’ll make you write for me
so that I can keep a piece of your handwriting
I’ll record you
I’ll record the smell of you
if you smoke like you’re 42
I don’t mind
getting to know you
round and round
even if I fall
even if I fall
from the rooftop hundreds of times
I don’t mind
getting to know you
round and round
even if I get hit
even if I get hit
by a truck thousands of times
You’re so far
like a stranger I have a crush on
-you’re so far
like a stranger I have a crush on

.monolog rawak.

aku bukan rebel. tapi sejujurnya, bila fikir dalam-dalam, sebenarnya aku tak bersedia lagi pun nak kawen. to have partner by my side, yes it's nice. tapi entah lah. mungkin belum sampai masa kot? belum terbukak hati lagi nak kawen. umur memang tak pernah berkurang pun. makin lama makin bertambah kawan-kawan yang mendirikan mahligai indah bersama pilihan hati (ewah!). sejujurnya, belum pernah terbit lagi perasaan "i want to get married tooooooo!" bila tengok orang kawen. the ceremony is always nice. their happy faces are nice too. and the baby that come afterwards is even nicer. tapi entahlah. mungkin takut bila fikir tanggungjawab yang mendatang. atau mungkin sebab dalam otak dah set tak nak kawen dalam masa terdekat ni. i'm more eager to learn. untuk tambah ilmu. fardhu ain & kifayah. jadi senang jek nak tackle aku ni sebenarnya. sukakan ilmu dan sukakanlah saya. wahahahaha.

well.. I plan. He plans. and definitely His plans are always the best.

i always playfully told him that he entered our alma mater just to meet me. wonder how true it is..

you know all those famous proposal stories with gimmicks, or the amazing love stories of how two people accidentally met, or the dramatic forbidden love and whatnot, well, mine is not even close to that. it's just a plain story. non-dramatic no romeo no juliet. only two souls who seems to click well enough and happened to not lose contact up till now.

i love my plain story :)

malam tu tak berapa la nak sejuk macam yang aku bayangkan. sejuk-sejuk biasa macam kat tempat kita-kita je. bas bergerak meluncur dengan tenang. pukul 1 pagi. dari airport pergi hotel pertama. sebab letih hampir 9 jam atas kapal, aku lena dengan tenang juga. sampai kat r&r. lepas tu sambung perjalanan. aku tak boleh tidur  langsung dah lepas tu. mungkin sebab kat tanah tumpah darahku ewah ewah dah memang waktu aku bangun. plus, aku nak sangat-sangat terkencing masa tu. padahal baru lepas berenti r&r kannn. haha.

lepas tu aku merenung ke luar jendela je lah. masya Allah! serius aku terkagum terkesima ter apa semua lahh bila tengok bintang-bintang bekerlipan kat langit sepanjang perjalanan tu. aku bayangkan, ada satu rombongan manusia nomad yang tengah berehat depan khemah sambil duduk sebelah unggun api, menikmati lukisan alam. aku cuba nak ambik gambar tapi aku tak tahu kenapa Allah tak izinkan. jadi secara diam-diam, dalam bas yang makin sejuk, dalam rombongan manusia yg keletihan dan kaki semakin membengkak (aku la salah sorang tu hahaha), aku nikmati al-buruj yang tak pernah aku tengok kat tanah air sendiri sebelum ni.

:)