jumaat lepas pergi kenduri nikah kawan akak. kat dewan yang cantek dah mcm sanding punyer majlis. since kitorang lambat so kena duduk meja blakang. it was fine sebab kita tiga orang je duk situ.

then come a bunch of... kids. umur dalam lingkungan 7-15 tahun. one of them being smart ass was talking all the time about bits and pieces of current... stuff. like all. the. time. yang lain respond la pasal game and using i i i i. lepastu ada sorang makcik ni duk tanya-tanya hal akdemik. then comes a niqabist who talk nonstop wit that aunt. akak dah langgar-langgar kaki aku. i had to restrain myself from making fun of them. i do feel bad for a sec though. but really... how can you let it slide without making a few puns? hehehehehe. yeah yeah i wasn't the smartest kid in school.

and i can't resist till the end. had to say something to my sister. just to let it out of my chest. and for a short laugh. hehehehe. kids...

and today i realised that i haven't been talking or even thinking about getting married for quite a while. probably too much attention on my career and family. and the last post i talked about getting married was january last year! no wonder...

not sure if i'm ready now.. i mean.. i really wasn't mentally ready back then. i'm not even sure if i actually wanted to get married. sometimes i took marriage as an escapism to some of the things i don't want to deal (like ever) and wish for it to come fast. for instance, wanting someone to be my atm machine so i won't need to work anymore, or just anytime i wanna go on holiday and not care about the expenses (my idea of getting married is closely related to money!! haahah!). but most of the time (when i am actually sane, like not emotional at all), i don't think i'm inclined to the idea of getting married just yet. what's with the taking care of the husband and kids, being away from my family foreverrr, having to provide should the husband couldnt' fully do it though he's given all his best, all the incoming lifetime debt, life-changing stuff like omg it's much more than the list of why i wanna get married hahaha. the feeling is just not there anymore. not like how it used to be. i hope it'll come back some day. new phase kinda stuff.

perhaps the fact that i recently imagining the meaning of "completing half of the deen" and, by the mercy of Allah, understand it. and perhaps i should purify my intention to the right reason for getting married. still couldn't install it in my heart that getting married equals to completing half the deen. still more focused on the worldly aspects of it.

don't worry. it's not gonna be this year. not even know when.

i still haven't find what i wanna do but i now know few things i wouldn't want to. still an achievement, no? hehe.

selama sebelum ni aku selalu fikir aku seorang yang positif. jenis "look at the bright side", "there must be some ways" blablabla. tapi tahun lepas aku menemui titik kesedaran yang nyata sekali tak pernah aku sangka.

i'm selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, full of pride and a little rude. i need a big slap on my face and thank God well God did really "slap" me hard. all of which the characteristics not loved by Allah. perhaps i've always been all that and failed to realised it. i probably have said this for the gazillionth times but yes i am not interested much on what i'm doing now (as in my job). but it got me to this point. the point that kind of have been tingling at the back of my mind a few times but i refused to admit. well ego much aren't i?

i have said & write this a few times already but really, 2015 adalah tahun aku paling kuat mengeluh.

my mind was too focused on career which also happen to be something i dislike doing for now.
the year i let, myself to be ticked off by people's perception about me (see how self-centered i've been?!).
also, the year i lost my senses. it's all about me and just me. i pity those around me who cares about me. who also perhaps i've not been treating them with much care they deserve.
the year i've gained the heaviest weight (for now). i'm abusing my body. not taking care of it with my best and this probably is the saddest on the list.

as negative as it sounds, i'm actually really thankful God made me realise this before i die. perhaps He's giving me chance to repent now before deciding to put me in hell (nauzubillahuminzalik). i mean, realisation isn't an easy thing to achieve. i have to first fight with my own inner thought and fake conviction that i'm doing fine..

towards being a better person... who is no more selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, proud or rude..
and i can't achieve any of these without Allah.. so.. towards getting His blessings and love, care and most importantly, forgiveness...