selama sebelum ni aku selalu fikir aku seorang yang positif. jenis "look at the bright side", "there must be some ways" blablabla. tapi tahun lepas aku menemui titik kesedaran yang nyata sekali tak pernah aku sangka.

i'm selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, full of pride and a little rude. i need a big slap on my face and thank God well God did really "slap" me hard. all of which the characteristics not loved by Allah. perhaps i've always been all that and failed to realised it. i probably have said this for the gazillionth times but yes i am not interested much on what i'm doing now (as in my job). but it got me to this point. the point that kind of have been tingling at the back of my mind a few times but i refused to admit. well ego much aren't i?

i have said & write this a few times already but really, 2015 adalah tahun aku paling kuat mengeluh.

my mind was too focused on career which also happen to be something i dislike doing for now.
the year i let, myself to be ticked off by people's perception about me (see how self-centered i've been?!).
also, the year i lost my senses. it's all about me and just me. i pity those around me who cares about me. who also perhaps i've not been treating them with much care they deserve.
the year i've gained the heaviest weight (for now). i'm abusing my body. not taking care of it with my best and this probably is the saddest on the list.

as negative as it sounds, i'm actually really thankful God made me realise this before i die. perhaps He's giving me chance to repent now before deciding to put me in hell (nauzubillahuminzalik). i mean, realisation isn't an easy thing to achieve. i have to first fight with my own inner thought and fake conviction that i'm doing fine..

towards being a better person... who is no more selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, proud or rude..
and i can't achieve any of these without Allah.. so.. towards getting His blessings and love, care and most importantly, forgiveness...