Bismillahirrohmanirrohim

finally.

dan kepada Allah jua lah saya berserah.



masih dalam keadaan emosi. moga Allah buangkan emosi yang tak baik ni dan gantikan dengan keredhaan kepadaNya.
Aaamin.

entah macam mana nak mulakan. entah macam mana nak keluarkan.

tak bukak radio. tak bukak spotify. tak bercakap sorang-sorang.
tapi perjalanan balik hari ni kedengaran begitu bising sekali ya. dan mungkin antara yang terpanjang walaupun sampai rumah macam biasa.

semalam aku tanya bos. bos pun tak pasti. maka aku luahkan kerisauan aku dan aku cuma minta dia jujur seawalnya dengan aku.
tengah hari tadi nampak hr masuk lama bercakap dengan bos. aku dah boleh agak tentang apa. cuma yang diputuskan itu tak siapa tahu. lagi dengan sembang bahasa alien kan....
dan tadi sebelum balik, terjawab sudah lah teka teki teka tekuk. not the best but not the worst.

ikutkan, aku dah usaha sehabis baik. tapi Allah Al-'Alim deems that i should be where i am now for my own best. sukar diterima pada awalnya namun ketentuan Illahi tu lah yang terbaik sebenarnya. i need time to digest. i need guidance from Allah for my next step. and the following. well basically till the end of time..

aku terkaku sebentar.

diingat semula, setahun lalu seperti ini juga. aku di posisi yang sama, senario sahaja berbeza.
repeated tests perhaps.
syukur diuji. i have never been as thankful when being tested.
sebab rindu pada Yang Mencipta.
rindu yang tak terubat melainkan dengan cara begini.

berharap,
semoga lebih baik selepas ni. maybe not humanly perceived way. tapi di sisi Allah..



on the side unimportant note, the long drive back home brought me back to my first failed interview some 4 years ago. mungkin sebab terbaca-baca pasal royal family 2 3 hari ni, lepas tu hari ni (out of the many days i've routinely used the path back home) bila lalu sebelah jalan ke situ, buat aku terfikir dan terbayang. entah macam mana kalau aku dapat cari rezeki kat situ pula. maybe 4 years ago. maybe now. lepastu berjerebu sikit harini, teringat pulak kan masa aku pergi interview dulu pun tengah jerebu.......
many things have happened since then. mostly unexpected. i resigned and jobless for a year, worked for a company i thought i'd stay long but took an exit in less than a year and currently working here until God knows when. my colourful career. and plus, i continued study. haha. oh and i gained my weight, lose some, gained back. haha
Alhamdulillah sihat walafiat...

haritu ternampak tpp makan. orang ambik gambar kita pun ikut la. tapi amik dari jauh je haha. terfikir je dari haritu nak cakap kat tpp kita ni berkenan sangat tengok kek buah tpp nampak moist gilewzzz sungguh menyelerakan!! takde point kan. haha. but out of circumstance i'm currently in, terdetik dalam hati nak cakap "tpp, saya taknak mintak kahwin dengan anak tpp. saya just nak mintak kerja je."

wah gituh ko kan. patut mintak kat Tuhan kita terdetik mintak kat manusia pula ye. astaghfirullahal'azim.

till then. adios amigos mi amor assalamualaikum

i'm in this moodless-yet-i-want-to-watch-romcom mood. dah tengok beberapa kdrama and movie kat iflix tapi takde yang melekat. entah lah. me or the dramas in iflix. cuma on your wedding day je enjoy. itu pun ending dia hahahaha kuang ajo mengena betul...

harini family abang gua balik. sembang-sembang dengan akak ipar, tiber dia tanya, "eh kerja ko sekarang okay ke? dah lama ko tak cakap. ke ko dah matang?"

hmm. baru sedar jugak lah. i was such a whiny kid. kerja dekat, gaji on time end of month, weekends off, colleagues & bosses yang helpful, tu pun nak merungut. now in this situation, actually worse than before, but i no more whine. i figured that there's just too much to whine that i decided not to do so anymore. i figured that keeping my mouth shut and just go on with it is the best solution. nothing good comes out of whining... no solutions will come even when you cry until your eyeball come out... so... keeping my mouth shut, put my best effort and pray... those are the only things that worked...

aku sebenarnya ngantuk gila tapi nak menaip lagi haha told u my write up are all done half asleep.

awal minggu baru ni kepala aku rasa serabut lain macam. it finally hit me that i have failed 6 ivs and 2 consecutive sems. biasa lepas fail iv, i took a short while to rationalised my mind again and think about what improvements i can do. no use crying over the spilled milk orang jawa bilang cewaah.

but this... the sixth.. i just can't hold it in anymore.. i cried for the first time... cry not because i lose it but because it hurts... haihh panjang nak cerita tapi ngantuk sangat ni kang merepek repek je..

anyway on to next thing.

aku tengah mood nak tengok or baca romcom. haha. this mood comes once in a while. kekadang layan kekadang buat dono jer. ni dah try tengok kdrama, takde yang menyelerakan pule...

jumaat malam sabtu baru ni keluar dengan memember. makan-makan kat ikea lepastu time nak letak makanan kat meja (lepas beratur 100 jam :3), tiber nampak orang ramai-ramai kat satu meja panjang ni. my just-got-back-from-office brain thought, oh diorang makan ramai-ramai celebrate benda lepastu ambik gambar la tu. lepastuu hihihihi rupanyaaa hihihihi orang ramai-ramai tengah ambik gambar dengan tpp. wah tak disangka gicheww kan. aku dah tuit dah haritu tapi nak cakap lagi ni huwwaaa tpp saya dah lamaa teringin nak makan kek buah yang tpp buat selalu tu nampak macam sedapppp sangattt :3

me no likey fruit cake tapi kek tpp buat nampak moist gilewzz.. haihhh.. goyang kite tau :3

also i like her wrap your body with big shawl style. for me, it looked elegant yet covering aurat. tapi tu lah.. style tu lawo kat dia je kalau kat aku sure jadik nangka.. huhuhuhu

and this sudden reflection i had earlier today..
why are there fantasies about marrying princes and rich ass heirs? me included haha.
maybe.. those who know the value of money and what money can do sees this as an escapism.. escaping the unpleasant things we prefer not to bear given the choice.. this is where the concept of rezeki and tests from Allah comes in handy.. yang mendatang tu dari Allah.. yang keluar tu dari kita..

i used to dream of marrying someone rich.. a prince, maybe.. but, with age comes maturity, with maturity comes wisdom.. learning that life is more than dodging the unpleasant.. living and adapting with tests from Allah.. and at the end of the day, still able to be thankful to Allah.. that's what i'm striving for..

of course, fantasy is still there haha. only watched video cuts of interviews after pertabalan on youtube and suddenly my timeline is full of similar videos ankndlnsldjlwjiowjjd demyu algorithm!!

bila compare diri sendiri dengan tpp and daughters wah begitu langit dan bumi yaa.. sedar diri siap-siap hahaha. i am no princess material. neither have that eloquent speech nor poised all the time.. crazy lazy pulak tu kan hihihihi..

rich heirs or prince, i belong to neither of them. i'm just me, in my own of what seems like a different world. taknak kawen rich heirs atau prince.. i can only imagine all these awkward social gatherings i'd dodge all my life. haha. plus hassanal is undoubtedly handsome and probably nice. dengan saya, memang bumi dan pluto jugak bezanya. so, berangan sekadarnya je lah :3

dah la. bai.