i know i said i've summed up 2018 in my last post but here i am typing again. hihi.

bila aku ada satu perasaan yang kuat, samada perasaan positif atau negatif, i'd always resort to typing it out in my blog. untuk simpan perasaan tu sambil channel it out. that's how i've been blogging all these years. or write it somewhere.

tapi bila perasaan tu terlalu mendalam, aku gagal. jawa bilang, i can't even describe it.

macam tu lah aku boleh katakan untuk 2018 ni. tak terluah.

basically cried the hardest, can't even move, thought i'm gonna die, a series of stupid decisions and failure after failure.
semua tak dapat patah balik.
semacam mana aku cakap kat ex boss "job, marriage, semua takleh patah balik."

it has been so hard.. harder when you aren't by my side anymore.. hardest when all the memories we've had have been playing like a film without sound..

not until recently, very recently, that i started to embrace my circumstances.
dalam tak sedar, aku dah cuba ambil alih kerja Tuhan.
nak tentukan apa yang akan berlaku dalam hidup aku.
mulut berzikir tawakkal, rupanya hati berharap pada diri sendiri untuk mengubah keadaan.
lalai.
sungguh aku lalai.
lupa yang semuanya ni hanya akan berlaku dengan izin Allah.
semuanya pemberian Dia.

it has been a long journey back to Him...
i am mostly thankful to Him.
Alhamdulillah.. for all the rejections, heartbreak, sickness, sadness...
they all seems meaningless until i finally reached this point...
dan tanpa petunjuk dan hidayah dariNya, tidak la aku akan sampai ke sini..

i wouldn't say that i'm all good now...
but, 2018 is ending with a whole lot of new feeling of thankfulness in my heart...

laahawlawalaquwwataillabillah

sungguh, tiada daya dan kekuatan melainkan dariNya...

missing the ruh in al-haram... moga dijemput menjadi tetamu untuk menziarahi baitullah...