member text bagitau excited jumpa orang click dengan dia. i'm like awwwhhhh!!! <33333
hahahahaha!!! fresh from oven ni tau!! tak pernah jumpa orang yang diceritakan tapi aku dah berdoa dan berharap jadi je la eh 2 orang ni. aamiiinn ya rob :3 i thought i'm gonna be jealous. turned out i'm feeling as excited to see my friend blooming. ahhh.. i even squeal out of awww-ness!!

the moment she described first time jumpa orang yg click & can talk about everything, wah i so know the feeling. that "i'm home" feeling when i first met him back then. ehehehe. untuk aku, semua tu dah tinggal kenangan manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. beberapa hari lepas mula terdetik (sikit) rasa bahagia berseorang dikeliling kengkawan dan keluarga. rasa deja vu. macam umur 15 dulu. hm ni rasa nak korek blog lama sebab tiba-tiba rasa pernah tulis. what's with my deja vu working so hardd niiii hahahaha.. zaman sekolah dulu tak fikir pun nak berboifren. kekadang ada l crush kejap-kejap but none were serious. dalam kepala aku dah set nak enjoy masa dengan kengkawan je sebab aku rasa masa tu je aku ada dengan kengkawan aku. maybe that was why it never bothered me seeing peers having boifren. satu lagi sebabnya circle of friends aku pun macam aku wahahahaha.

dan sekarang dah mula datang perasaan nak reset dalam kepala aku benda yang sama. it's been over a year though i wouldn't say that i've got over someone who was an important person in my life. how could i just forget like nothing happened with someone close to my heart in a blink of an eye kan?

dengan keadaan semasa, rasa macam deja vu je.

aku tersedar yang tanpa sengaja nya aku kembali pada diri aku yang berumur belasan tahun dulu. pegi kedai buku, sedar-sedar tengah selak gempakstarz. dengar lagu jepun dan enjoy nak hafal lirik. baca manga scan. and ultimately tonight i trimmed my hair unconsciously like 13 years ago! aku pun tak tau nak describe keadaan ni macam mana. well. aku decide untuk layan je la diri aku.

apa-apa pun, aku doa moga Allah jodohkan kawan aku dengan mamat yang dia cerita tu dan moga berkekalan sampai syurga. aaaamiiin. aminkan sekali la

if you were to ask me a week ago, tanpa ragu-ragu malah dengan pastinya aku bagitau yang aku dah putuskan untuk berhenti. noktah. takde paling-paling belakang lagi.

tapi...

cuma sepetang yang sebentar di kino yang mengimbau semula perasaan suka aku selama setahun belakangan ni mampu menggugat keteguhan keputusan aku yang bukan main susah nak buat. huahuahuaaaaaa...

the first class awakened both sides of me :

i'm so gonna do my bestest that you won't have a choice but to give me an A!!

vs

i'm so freaking stupid how did i failed such easy class to pass!!

aku pun tak tahu side mana nak pergi. hahaha.. dah resign 3 kali dan tiga-tiga kali mampu teguh dengan keputusan walaupun tak nampak masa depan lagi tapi yang ni, sekali zass je terus berubah.

i really have no idea how, what, why i turned my heart so easily. mungkin aku cuma perlukan ruang sebelum memberi peluang.

jangan kata orang lain je. aku sendiri pun terpegun dengan keputusan sendiri. wahahaha!!

atau mungkin nak bertemu jodoh dah ni? #eh


dah la. dah bertahun cakap nak kawen tapi tetap la menyingle. aku tengok balik post kat blog lama. dari blog dulu sampai sekarang cakap pasal kawen. hahaha.. when i was younger, i said that i wanna get married say 25 or 26 la paling lambat. taknak ada karier pun nak duduk rumah simple life je.

and look who's 28 with no sign of marriage and currently working? hahaha.. hidup ni memang tak terjangka. selalunya yang sebaliknya berlaku. apa-apa pun, syukur Alhamdulillah atas perasaan redha dan kecukupan yang dikurnia Allah..

sungguh apa pun di akhirnya, tak akan mahu menyesal. because i've used up everything i have and do everything i could.

and for that, i'm not gonna give up just yet.
bismillah..

Bismillahirrohmanirrohim

finally.

dan kepada Allah jua lah saya berserah.



masih dalam keadaan emosi. moga Allah buangkan emosi yang tak baik ni dan gantikan dengan keredhaan kepadaNya.
Aaamin.

entah macam mana nak mulakan. entah macam mana nak keluarkan.

tak bukak radio. tak bukak spotify. tak bercakap sorang-sorang.
tapi perjalanan balik hari ni kedengaran begitu bising sekali ya. dan mungkin antara yang terpanjang walaupun sampai rumah macam biasa.

semalam aku tanya bos. bos pun tak pasti. maka aku luahkan kerisauan aku dan aku cuma minta dia jujur seawalnya dengan aku.
tengah hari tadi nampak hr masuk lama bercakap dengan bos. aku dah boleh agak tentang apa. cuma yang diputuskan itu tak siapa tahu. lagi dengan sembang bahasa alien kan....
dan tadi sebelum balik, terjawab sudah lah teka teki teka tekuk. not the best but not the worst.

ikutkan, aku dah usaha sehabis baik. tapi Allah Al-'Alim deems that i should be where i am now for my own best. sukar diterima pada awalnya namun ketentuan Illahi tu lah yang terbaik sebenarnya. i need time to digest. i need guidance from Allah for my next step. and the following. well basically till the end of time..

aku terkaku sebentar.

diingat semula, setahun lalu seperti ini juga. aku di posisi yang sama, senario sahaja berbeza.
repeated tests perhaps.
syukur diuji. i have never been as thankful when being tested.
sebab rindu pada Yang Mencipta.
rindu yang tak terubat melainkan dengan cara begini.

berharap,
semoga lebih baik selepas ni. maybe not humanly perceived way. tapi di sisi Allah..



on the side unimportant note, the long drive back home brought me back to my first failed interview some 4 years ago. mungkin sebab terbaca-baca pasal royal family 2 3 hari ni, lepas tu hari ni (out of the many days i've routinely used the path back home) bila lalu sebelah jalan ke situ, buat aku terfikir dan terbayang. entah macam mana kalau aku dapat cari rezeki kat situ pula. maybe 4 years ago. maybe now. lepastu berjerebu sikit harini, teringat pulak kan masa aku pergi interview dulu pun tengah jerebu.......
many things have happened since then. mostly unexpected. i resigned and jobless for a year, worked for a company i thought i'd stay long but took an exit in less than a year and currently working here until God knows when. my colourful career. and plus, i continued study. haha. oh and i gained my weight, lose some, gained back. haha
Alhamdulillah sihat walafiat...

haritu ternampak tpp makan. orang ambik gambar kita pun ikut la. tapi amik dari jauh je haha. terfikir je dari haritu nak cakap kat tpp kita ni berkenan sangat tengok kek buah tpp nampak moist gilewzzz sungguh menyelerakan!! takde point kan. haha. but out of circumstance i'm currently in, terdetik dalam hati nak cakap "tpp, saya taknak mintak kahwin dengan anak tpp. saya just nak mintak kerja je."

wah gituh ko kan. patut mintak kat Tuhan kita terdetik mintak kat manusia pula ye. astaghfirullahal'azim.

till then. adios amigos mi amor assalamualaikum

i'm in this moodless-yet-i-want-to-watch-romcom mood. dah tengok beberapa kdrama and movie kat iflix tapi takde yang melekat. entah lah. me or the dramas in iflix. cuma on your wedding day je enjoy. itu pun ending dia hahahaha kuang ajo mengena betul...

harini family abang gua balik. sembang-sembang dengan akak ipar, tiber dia tanya, "eh kerja ko sekarang okay ke? dah lama ko tak cakap. ke ko dah matang?"

hmm. baru sedar jugak lah. i was such a whiny kid. kerja dekat, gaji on time end of month, weekends off, colleagues & bosses yang helpful, tu pun nak merungut. now in this situation, actually worse than before, but i no more whine. i figured that there's just too much to whine that i decided not to do so anymore. i figured that keeping my mouth shut and just go on with it is the best solution. nothing good comes out of whining... no solutions will come even when you cry until your eyeball come out... so... keeping my mouth shut, put my best effort and pray... those are the only things that worked...

aku sebenarnya ngantuk gila tapi nak menaip lagi haha told u my write up are all done half asleep.

awal minggu baru ni kepala aku rasa serabut lain macam. it finally hit me that i have failed 6 ivs and 2 consecutive sems. biasa lepas fail iv, i took a short while to rationalised my mind again and think about what improvements i can do. no use crying over the spilled milk orang jawa bilang cewaah.

but this... the sixth.. i just can't hold it in anymore.. i cried for the first time... cry not because i lose it but because it hurts... haihh panjang nak cerita tapi ngantuk sangat ni kang merepek repek je..

anyway on to next thing.

aku tengah mood nak tengok or baca romcom. haha. this mood comes once in a while. kekadang layan kekadang buat dono jer. ni dah try tengok kdrama, takde yang menyelerakan pule...

jumaat malam sabtu baru ni keluar dengan memember. makan-makan kat ikea lepastu time nak letak makanan kat meja (lepas beratur 100 jam :3), tiber nampak orang ramai-ramai kat satu meja panjang ni. my just-got-back-from-office brain thought, oh diorang makan ramai-ramai celebrate benda lepastu ambik gambar la tu. lepastuu hihihihi rupanyaaa hihihihi orang ramai-ramai tengah ambik gambar dengan tpp. wah tak disangka gicheww kan. aku dah tuit dah haritu tapi nak cakap lagi ni huwwaaa tpp saya dah lamaa teringin nak makan kek buah yang tpp buat selalu tu nampak macam sedapppp sangattt :3

me no likey fruit cake tapi kek tpp buat nampak moist gilewzz.. haihhh.. goyang kite tau :3

also i like her wrap your body with big shawl style. for me, it looked elegant yet covering aurat. tapi tu lah.. style tu lawo kat dia je kalau kat aku sure jadik nangka.. huhuhuhu

and this sudden reflection i had earlier today..
why are there fantasies about marrying princes and rich ass heirs? me included haha.
maybe.. those who know the value of money and what money can do sees this as an escapism.. escaping the unpleasant things we prefer not to bear given the choice.. this is where the concept of rezeki and tests from Allah comes in handy.. yang mendatang tu dari Allah.. yang keluar tu dari kita..

i used to dream of marrying someone rich.. a prince, maybe.. but, with age comes maturity, with maturity comes wisdom.. learning that life is more than dodging the unpleasant.. living and adapting with tests from Allah.. and at the end of the day, still able to be thankful to Allah.. that's what i'm striving for..

of course, fantasy is still there haha. only watched video cuts of interviews after pertabalan on youtube and suddenly my timeline is full of similar videos ankndlnsldjlwjiowjjd demyu algorithm!!

bila compare diri sendiri dengan tpp and daughters wah begitu langit dan bumi yaa.. sedar diri siap-siap hahaha. i am no princess material. neither have that eloquent speech nor poised all the time.. crazy lazy pulak tu kan hihihihi..

rich heirs or prince, i belong to neither of them. i'm just me, in my own of what seems like a different world. taknak kawen rich heirs atau prince.. i can only imagine all these awkward social gatherings i'd dodge all my life. haha. plus hassanal is undoubtedly handsome and probably nice. dengan saya, memang bumi dan pluto jugak bezanya. so, berangan sekadarnya je lah :3

dah la. bai.

ahh. as always. time depan laptop dah hilang perkataan. haha..

the biggest lesson i've learned last week is very simple yet profound. something i've learnt but had to relearn.

aku rasa ada aku mention sini betapa punya down nya aku dengan keputusan-keputusan aku tahun lepas. i remember i wrote somewhere "i blame no one but me." and for over a year now i though i was doing the right thing not to blame God or takdir for the mistakes i've made.

but i was wrong. i was dead wrong. i finally realised that some things are just inevitable. no matter how much effort i made of only blaming myself that i was the one wrong, it was still a takdir. maybe i've been drowning for too long that i've lost the sense of God in deciding our takdir. kalau ikut rakyat tuiter yang so called woke, taking out takdir in their equation, taking out that God is the one who decides and not us...

keadaan bila datang dalam keadaan kita memang tak ada kuasa, contohnya baby lahir-lahir dah ada kanser, yang memang semulajadi lahir dah dapat dan bukannya mewarisi dari mak bapak dia, lebih mudah untuk kita akui yang sesuatu itu takdir. we obviously have no power over it dan kepada Tuhan juga satu-satunya tempat kita mencari ketenangan.

tapi bila keadaan tu terjadi atas sebab perbuatan manusia, contohnya kita dah cuba sehabis baik untuk jaga makan & exercise, lepastu dapat jugak penyakit. susah untuk tak menyalahkan diri & tengok bahawa situasi ni pun sebuah takdir.

aku bukan la ustazah. takut salah faham juga ni. tapi setakat ni, aku terima macam ni lah. even when i gave my best effort, and weird enough that i was letting my guard down then, it was a takdir that i had to make such decision. di mata manusia, terutamanya mata aku sendiri, nampak macam aku buat keputusan yang salah tapi sebenarnya di sisi Tuhan, ini lah keputusan yang terbaik untuk aku. don't get me wrong. aku tak menyalahkan takdir. cuma aku sedar... it wasn't 100% on me.. i don't know about the percentage but maybe 20% was me and another 80% is takdir. it was fated that i made such decision and it was fated to happen this way.

tetapi pengajarannya tetap juga aku terima. the part that i did wrong. aku mengaku. but the part that situations come in such a way, is beyond my control.

aku cuma harapakn redha Illahi dan redha dalam hati aku atas ketentuan Illahi...

penat gelak tengok 1n2d. i am seriously returning to 18 again. unconsciously. mungkin kena redevelop diri semula. pick up dari point terakhir sebelum kejadian. haha

bila takde bukak blog, macam-macam benda ha nak ditaip. bila bukak je jadi blurr. mungkin sebab bukak pun dah 2.45 pagi. uhuhuhu

i seriously have so much to pen down but my laziness strikes. actually, not really lazy. just... dalam fasa nak menghadam. 1n2d is a really good escapism. haha. mulanya sebab nak tengok diorang buat apa. lepastu termelarat pulak eh eh eh.

ada hari rasa nak sengaja rebahkan diri tak bangun-bangun. too overwhelm.
ada hari rasa kena bangun dan tetap semangat.

rasa macam ujian berulang. aku harap keputusan kali ni lebih baik..

aku cuma harap serangan tahun lalu tak berulang. i've to learn how to accept and redha.
some things are just not meant to be. while some other things are just meant to be.

i am refocusing my view in life. sedang usaha untuk kembali berada di sudut pandang ketika dijentik Tuhan suatu ketika dulu. i'm not gonna lie. it is so hard. benda mungkar yang nyata, senang untuk kita akui. benda mungkar yang tak nyata, sukar. lagi-lagi bila kita pernah tau.

as yasmin mogahed said, this is a healing process. disinfect your heart. it is going to be painful but it is good for you.

i see it. i just haven't grasp the feeling yet.

may Allah subhanahuwata'ala makes it ease for me. may He protect our heart and keep us steadfast in His religion.

apa cara nak terima dan redha dengan takdir yang berlaku tak macam kita harapkan?
apa cara nak tanamkan dalam hati ni yang semua perkara yang datang dan pergi ni adalah aturan Tuhan?