i watched knowing bros ep. 24 and ucop's video dedicated for his father's birthday.

a mixed of emotions.

to mami, to dedi,
for raising me up,
for never giving up on me,
for your hopes and prayer,

most of all,
for your love,
i can never thank you enough.

for not being able to keep standing on my own just yet,
for not helping you around as much,
for my rudeness,
for raising my voice,
to you who have taught me to speak,
for walking away,
from you who taught me to walk,
i'm beyond sorry...

you've seen me through my darkest days,
from not being able to do anything on my own,
till i'm the me today.

you've helped rise up to my shiniest days,
it might seemed like i was standing on my own two feet,
but your invisible hands will always be there,
unknowingly shown.

i'll forever be grateful to you.

i like to re-read what i wrote. i don't care if it sounds narcissistic. i wrote for me. i am my own audience. i wrote based on what i feel. hence why i've put any writing related career off the table, long, long time ago. because writing, for me, is an art. a way of expressing something i strongly feel about. i may train to write for people but i just to keep it as it is.

and i'm always glad i did.

Awal 1997
"naaaaakkkk keluuuaaarrrrrrrrrr!! tuuu!!! tu!!! tuuuuu!!!"
*keluar sebaldi*

Disember 2007
"kita ingat.. *mengalir* kita tak.. *mengalir makin laju* dapat... *dah makin deras* A langsng!! *banjir*"

Febuari 2011
"saya tak sengaja masa tu gelap saya tengah lari lepastu saya terlanggar mic stand tu lepastu tiba-tiba je dia marah tanya siapa yang langgar mic stand tu saya tak sengaja saya betul sangaja"
*sambil tahan empangan*

April 2017
"....................... i really just wanted to take some time off."
berlalu.
turun.
nampak wajah-wajah yang over-excited dan tertanya-tanya...... never mind.
*masih menahan empangan*


ada satu perasaan berulang.

i'll stay here
right behind you
right where my shadow was

for not being by your side
i'm sorry
i'll always be

you'll always be in my prayer
and i'll stay here

.moved.

some Deep Purple's songs would take me back to a 2 to 3 hour long roadtrip back to kampung. if you get some Blink 182's playlist, you're going to take me back to a short ride to school. with some Metallica, i'd go way back to when i just memorised multplication table.

i was told that my late grandpa from mak's side played guitar. i don't know if he was just damn good or plain bad but abang used to justify his hobby of playing guitar with that. abah, on the other hand, doesn't play any instrument. same goes to my other abang. mak and kakak are just not a big fan of music, not even listened to music.

.setahun.

senja nan merah, bumi nan asing.
tapi entah kenapa aku tak rasa kau seasing tanah yang aku tengah pijak.

berlandaskan 2 jam kurang lebih, akhirnya aku faham.
kau dan dia,
macam sambal nasik lemak yang kena dengan tekak aku.
pedas, masin, manis, masam,
cukup buat aku senyum, walaupun lain-lain tukang buatnya.

dari cakap-cakap,
dari gelak-gelak,
dari sindir-sindir,
dari mana-mana,
serupa!
serupa!
walau tak sama.

ada hikmahnya Tuhan hantar kau
ada hikmahnya Tuhan izin aku dan dia bertemu kemudian
hikmah-hikmah manis yang masih tersimpan dalam rahsia Tuhan Yang Maha Mengetahui, Maha Penyayang.

dan untuk hari-hari manis yang lalu,
terima kasih,
kau dan dia.

untuk kau,
terima kasih wahai ubat,
semoga Tuhan murahkan rezeki kau,
semoga kau maintain read a lot.

untuk dia,
terima kasih atas hari yang manis :)
kalau ikutkan rasa, aku pun tak mahu sebegini.
tapi itulah kata orang,
ikut rasa binasa.

semoga Tuhan masih izinkan untuk masa yang lama,
cukup lama,
untuk aku dan dia.


yang penting,
semoga kau dan dia tak baca ni.
matilanakk

semalam pergi kenduri kahwin sepupu, muda sikit dari aku. sepupu aku perempuan. sepupu aku baru habis belajar & baru balik dari obersi lebih kurang sebulan lebih. sepupu aku perempuan bongsu & perempuan yang last kahwin.
masa salam-salam nak balik tu ...
mak cik : buat apa sekarang?
aku : duduk rumah lagi. hehe (betul bunyi hehe aku buat)
mak cik : haa takpe bagus la duduk rumah teman mak blablabla (lebih kurang gitu point dia)
aku : *sengih-sengih kerang busuk* gerak luuuu mak cik.

dalam 3 tahun lepas, adik ipar kakak aku kahwin. adik ipar dia perempuan. adik ipar dia belum habis belajar lagi masa tu & belajar kat obersi. adik ipar dia perempuan bongsu. kau bayangkan dialog lebih kurang kat atas, tapi yang sembang tu mak aku dengan mak mentua kakak aku. cerita lebih kurang la dan point nya aku jugak. hohoho. lepas balik tu sembang-sembang dengan mak aku. mak aku sedikit sebanyak meluahkan rasa yang mana aku tak pernah terfikir pun sebelum tu.

mak bapak ni kalau boleh, kalau boleh la, tak nak anak bongsu dia kahwin awal-awal sangat. bukan tak galakkan, tapi nak bermanja lama sikit. macam nilah senarionya : lepas habis sekolah kau pergi belajar (lagi kalau yang jauh-jauh tu), lepas tu habis je belajar, atau belum habis pun, kau dah kahwin. bila masa mak bapak kau nak bermanja, mengadu, mintak perhatian & kasih sayang kau? bila masa kau nak bagi sepenuhnya pun? kau cuba macam mana sekalipun, takkan sama dengan situasi kalau kau bujang. mak bapak takkan nak say no anaknya nak kahwin, ye tak?

lagi satu, walaupun diorang tak cakap, walaupun diorang kaya & mampu macam mana pun, sedikit sebanyak, teringin jugak nak rasa duit gaji anaknya. benda kecik-kecik pun jadi la. belanja makan, belanja cuti dekat-dekat, belanja bersuka ria sikit, belanja, keperluan sikit. aku ingatkan benda ni untuk aku sekali.

apa-apa situasi korang lalui sekalipun, kalau mak bapak korang masih ada, hargailah. Tuhan Maha Adil. macam-macam benda kau boleh buat untuk diorang. tak semestinya belanja duit. kadang kau takde duit, kau ada masa & tenaga & keupayaan untuk sayang serta bagi perhatian kat diorang.

be content. be bless. be happy.

.unspoken.

today while scrolling instagram, i found 2 posts next to each other quoting "which favour of your Lord will you deny?"

while studying, i thought i'd get married right after graduation.
when i actually graduate, i thought i'd be working for a while, then get married, then be a homemaker.
when i actually worked, i thought i'd need to continue to work even if i get married, for a whole lot of reasons.
then i resigned.
i thought i'd be doing some less stressful job by now, not making much money but more content at heart.

back back then, i thought i'd be married by now, holding my child and only be thinking of taking care of my family, not thinking of working at all. i thought the idea of being a fulltime homemaker was fixed.

till date, my life, has so far, gone not according to what i imagine.

i've been planning, re-planning, and keep on re-planning. i've been dreaming, re-dreaming, and keep on re-dreaming. i won't lie. it's like, you cannot stop a kid from being curious and wanting to try everything in front of them.

i know for a fact that life doesn't go according to how we want it to but it will eventually work out just fine. but  giving up dreams, redha and being just content with what Allah has been blessing me with, is more than .... words. or.. easier said than done.

successful people always give quote saying such things like never stop dreaming, you're almost there yadda yadda yadda. it always felt less practical to me. i'm not grouped as successful people anyway. haha.

i have decided to give up my dreams and stop planning. no, it isn't a negative statement. i just want to make full use of whatever i have now, be content and nothing more than that. those over the cloud days will be gone. i slowly stopped looking or searching for the things that made me go beyond imagination. it is not easy. my mind has been stucked on them for some time and i guess, it is a good bye.

wow lecehnya nak log in terus hilang blogging mojo ceh blogging mojo that's soooooo 2007.