beberapa tahun lepas, Tuhan kasi 'special request' pada aku yang mana aku menonton drama 5 hari (jugak tapi 5 hari yang lain heheh) yang agak .... dramatik. masa tu aku belajar, aturan Tuhan tu adalah yang terbaik.

dan jangan buat mak bapak sedih. hu hu hu.

kadang-kadang bila ko berhadapan sesuatu halangan/masalah/kesukaran/yg sewaktu dgnnya, paling jauh orang keliling boleh cakap, "sabar. dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan. betulkan solat. redha. sabar. sabar. syukur. ada hikmah disebaliknya. hikmah." as someone on the receiving end, it doesn't seem to help. tapi ya, paling jauh orang keliling boleh cakap kat ko pun macam tu jer. sebab selebihnya adalah atas dasar usaha ko sendiri untuk keluar dari kemelut yang melanda diri ko. dan cuma ko dengan Tuhan je boleh faham dan rasa hikmah yang mendatang. dan orang keliling yang nasihat macam tu mungkin dia pernah rasa.

hikmah tu bukan sesuatu yang boleh ko simpulkan dengan kata-kata. it's beyond words, it's not something you could even say to begin with. macam mana orang cuba describe kat ko pun takkan sampai sebab bukan ko yang rasa. macam tu jugaklah hikmah yang Allah simpan untuk ko. hikmah tu manis dan bermakna untuk ko sorang je. dan bila hikmah tu sampai, kadang-kadang boleh jatuh terduduk nangis bila fikirkan betapa sayangnya Allah pada ko.

aku tulis ni untuk aku. mana tau satu masa nanti aku lost lagi dan lagi dan banyak kali lagi. aku harap diri aku boleh pujuk balik diri ini dengan sesuatu.

hikmah.

akhir-akhir ni banyak kali rasa nak menaip kat sini tapi niat tak menghalalkan cara. ceh poyo. sebenarnya malas nak bukak pc. zaman smartfon gicheww.

oh ya. aku ada 2 akaun twitter. satu untuk korang, satu untuk aku. ehek ehek ehek. well. dah banyak sangat masa nak tuit tuit kan. kang setiap minit aku tuit, nyampeh pulak korang baca. jadi, part emo emo aku simpan sorang-sorang. alkisahnya aku nak nyahtoksin peristiwa 5 hari yang tragis. jadi aku gunakan twitter untuk menceceh tanpa halangan. mujarab ke? well.. boleh la daripada takde. esok lusa bila dah settle, aku delete la.

walau macamanapun, alternate akaun buat aku rasa lebih selesa. selesa menyendiri mungkin? eleh.

ada saat di mana aku senang dan selesa dengan keadaan sekarang. ada masa aku cuba lari balik ke dunia yang aku cuba keluar dulu. jenis orang tak tetap pendirian kan. ihikks. tapi silapnya aku tak mohon Tuhan tunjukkan jalan yang terbaik. aku ingat aku terrer kan. sombonk. ish ish.

kalau ikut istilah hamka kereta mayat, boleh tahan bersambung sambung jugak 'special requests' semenjak aku buang surat. mula-mula aku ingat nak goyang kaki and just mind my own business. but i just can't. ish.

nak conclude 2016 dah ke? hurm. tunggu lah aku balik nanti. insya Allah. kalau ada umur, ada rezeki.

macam-macam aku dah berangan dalam kepala aku. tapi yela macam aku cakap kat atas tadi, silap aku tak doa banyak-banyak pada Allah. sebab tu sayup-sayup malap je jalannya. menyesal? well, dah terlepas pun. untuk yang mendatang, semoga aku tak leka dan sombong lagi.

mesti korang tak faham kan? takpe biar aku je faham. eleh. ada pulak korang tu. ihikks.

Fear.

what if i hit the bottom?
what if i drowned?
what if water sneaks in my nose?

Fear.
I am.

things work differently for different people.

ada yang kahwin awal, 10 tahun lepastu baru dapat anak.
ada yang lambat kahwin, lepas kahwin terus rezeki dapat anak.

ada yang habis belajar kat uni awal, dah bertahun pun tak dapat kerja lagi.
ada yang lambat habis belajar kat uni, tapi sebelum habis pun dah dapat kerja.

ada yang kerja gaji tinggi, tapi banyak masa untuk keluarga dan diri sendiri kena korbankan.
ada yang kerja gaji rendah atau sedang-sedang, tapi pergi balik kerja tak stress.

ada yang kahwin lambat, mak ayah panjang umur so dapat berbakti lama sikit dengan mak ayah.
ada yang kahwin lambat, dapat travel ke macam-macam tempat dan berbakti pada masyarakat.

ada yang kahwin awal, dapat anak berderet, comel-comel pulak tu.
ada yang kahwin awal, tak dapat anak tapi bisnes kencang.

semuanya rezeki.
marilah buat senarai kesyukuran.

aku terbaca kat fb my ex teacher dulu, in her 40s i believe. dia habaq "dulu aku selalu doa mintak macam-macam. nak itu nak ini je. tapi sekarang dalam doa aku cuma nak bersyukur je dengan apa yang aku ada." aku translate la ni sebab dia skiping inglish.

sebanyak banyaknya kata-kata ni menampar-nampar aku. because i was once a fool for not being thankful with everything that i have. what's with the stable income, living with my parents and some saving. many weren't able to get that combination. and still, it made me more far from being thankful. hence why i decided to let go of some of them. and i believe that even now it doesn't seem like something that i'd really like, these conditions are really what i needed. and it is for my own good. walaupun aku belum betul-betul nampak sinaran pengajarannya tapi sedikit sebanyak aku dapat rasakan. rasssssa gitu. hehehe.

it's been a month.

instead of saving the world (mine, actually), i'm still stuck here going nowhere. what was initially planned months ago did so not happened. in the end i withdrew myself. i decided not to go. i choose the way where i  do not need to explain so much to anyone around me. particularly around me.

perhaps God put them around me now for this reason. the reason is to show that i shouldn't go that way.
or perhaps i'm blaming God for not taking this path. perhaps trying to find some comfort by blaming God? maybe...

i'm reminiscing a lot these past few days. most of which related to the last trip on April. perhaps i'm looking for an escapism. and you, you might've been my perfect escapism. and that is why i've been looking out for you in my mind. and i really really don't like it. it's been more than a month, and out of all trips i took recently, you've been sticking on my mind a lot lately. perhaps i should start making du'a to get you out of my mind.

heaven must be really nice. to die for. well literally we need to die first before getting into one.

and maybe rather than looking for an escapism, i should've been more redha with what i have now. redha dengan perkara-perkara rawak yang memang lain dari apa yang aku nak. dan mungkin utk hampir 2 tahun kebelakangan ni aku gagal untuk redha.

redha.

Alhamdulillah Allah izinkan aku meluaskan pemandangan (cewah) which is one of my wishlist yg telah lama kupendam ewah ewah ewah.

i'm still thinking whether or not to tell about my trip. nanti lah kalau rasa macam over excited nak mencapub gua tulis la wahahaha.

our group was led by this young guy who was only a bit older than me. entah rasa macam familiar je memula tapi bukan lah kot.

we discuss some stuff while riding on the trains. i mainly asked him about the local culture and whether or not what has been potrayed on screen were actually what happened. and the answer was almost a definite yes. haha.

anyway, other stuff we talked.. well.. it kind of tick me off. one thing is, i really don't read a lot (mengaku terus wahaha). even if you know much more than anyone in this whole wide world, doesn't the knowledge you gained should actually humbling you down than becoming a tool for you to show off how of much you know? Besides, if somebody else could tell me why bother reading kan wahahaha.

also, i do not have anything anyone who wanted to study, work or even live in overseas for a while. good way of gaining experience. but remember that once upon a time, taxpayers funded your study. and the investment is not for nothing. people had hopes in you... that when you finished your study, when you came back, when you joined the society, you'd been an agent of change to improve our life. even me and other local graduates from government universities who did not receives full scholarships like you guys, we are still being partly funded and society had hopes in us. the hope that we will be improving our own society in any way we could. sadly, no one sees through this. and sadly, i only realize this after that night. Allah probably wanted to teach me something. and now i'm re-calculating my decision. hoping that this brief (almost) 2 years of working would be enough. much sadder that some of these graduates fly off somewhere else hoping for a better lives for themselves and never come back.

oh well. i don't read a lot. my close mind do not know as much as you do anyway.
and my close minded self only know that if i do not be part of the movement to improve the society which helps me grow, than somebody else will. and that somebody isn't necessary from our own society no?

sign off.

Alhamdulillah. I did it. no turning back. only pray that things will go on smoothly after this. biidznillah.

i did it not because of anyone but me. dengan tenangnya gua ambil keputusan berkenaan. tipulah kalau tak ragu-ragu langsung tapi entahlah nak cakap camne ek... lepas je hari berkenaan, makin kuat pulak sebab musabab yg menyokong keputusan aku pada waktu berkenaan. huhu.

cuma masalahnya sekarang aku tersepit disebabkan ketidaksebuluan orang lain. akhirnya aku yang terpaksa (ye mmg rasa terpaksa langsung tiada keikhlasan ni) melakukan perkara yang telah menjadi antara punca-punca membawa kepada aku membuat tindakan sebegini. it's not the sole reason but it was one of the biggest push back then and i believe Allah put me through it for good reasons actually. sungguh tahi babun apabila aku yg perlu melakukannya sendiri dan tiada siapa pedulik nak amik tau walhal semua akan kembali kat diorang kot nanti. jadik sekarang aku pedulik ape lah sampai masa nanti bukan hal aku dah. ha ha ha ha.

bila aku describe sedikit sebanyak senario tahi babun ni tu hari kawan aku cakap wah ni nampak sgt aku memendam. aku diam jap sebab tak rasa pendam pun kot? tapi fikir balik, sikit tu mungkin ada la. mungkin je. hehe.

sekian. si penghitung hari. ok. bai.