satu satu Tuhan tarik
antara nikmat dan sengsara
untuk tujuan yang tak pernah lain

sampai kau sedar dunia ini tak ada apa
sampai kau tak hidup dipuji, tak mati dek keji
sampai kau sendiri cabut wayar-wayar hati yang tersangkut dengan dunia
sampai kau sendiri cangkukkan dengan akhirat
sampai kau sendiri pilih untuk sandarkan pada Allah dan tak ada yang lain

dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل‎

teringat macam mana Dia susun untuk aku belajar makna nama Dia yang sungguh cantik
Al-Qayyum

i just missed it. i had prepared for it last week and God has made my path easy but i was at fault. i should've mailed it last week. right there. right after the sky cleared off. God. i'm so slow and clumsy. i really am frustrated with myself right now. this is also not the first time. in fact, i've been slow most of the time, resulting in a lot of missed opportunities.

i had this ideas of some positive stuff to post here 10 minutes ago. and now they're all gone. much with the hopes and resentment towards myself.

i have a lot more to reflect.

I'm angry, sad, exhausted, frustrated. I counted the days and it doesn't feel so right. It's almost a month now but truthfully, it dated back longer than that. Eating unhealthy food for a long time will cause diseases. Probably incurable. Or even if it is curable, it'll take time. I think, negative words are alike. We feed our heart, mind and soul with words from surrounding. Negative actions and words are like unhealthy food. Bad in, worse out.

For the past 9 months, on and off, sometimes on for quite some time, i've been surrounded myself with negativity. My eardrums have been chewing rants and screams. Resulting in those few words described earlier.

I'm really beyond tired inside. I've come to dislike long series of questions. Like, if i say that the we will leave at 9, i'm okay if u ask me ONCE "are we leaving or gathering at 9?" But if it is followed by small, less significant, common sense required kind of questions, i'll get annoyed in no time. "So do we wear certain kind of clothes? Are we going to need snacks? Do we stop anywhere along the way? What time do we wake up? Has the car been filled with petrol? Blablablablablablabla." Maybe i was like this before. God. I'm sorry everyone who i might've annoyed like this before. I will change insya Allah.

And these days i hate people rant. Releasing stress is when you say what's been bothering you, ONCE IN A WHILE. While ranting is when you keep saying why you're bothered, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Do you how tiring it is to hear people's rant? Really,really tiring! Life is a series of events to be thankful for. Saying Alhamdulillah, recognize it in our heart that Allah is the one granting everything we are and we have and acting thankful for having to receive nikmat. God. I probably have been an avid rant-er before. During a certain period of time in my life. Forgive me Ya Allah. Please please please please protect me from being ungrateful and rant after this. Please please please make me thankful and act like one.

Regards,

The regretter.

i had this moment of losing myself in my own thought today. probably also because i read that freakishly long article on staying married for long.

here i am. past midnight. jobless. clueless. bujang as ever.
i wonder what will be on my mind a year from now. kalau Allah panjangkan umur la. haha.

it's almost 7 years now. man.. it never crossed my mind that i'd be in a relationship for this long. i never thought i have such loyalty hahaha. 7 years. 7 freaking years. you know what happened since we met? all my nieces and nephews were born. dari nombor 1 sampai 7. aik sama 7 jugak??). i finished foundation studies. i continue my degree. i graduated. i got a job. i resigned. i had time off. i travelled to a few places. i got fat with still no sign of losing them fats. well ym cease to exist. haha. and so, so, so much more i can't even think.

you know what's the significant thing happened? we both change. over time. it's inevitable and hard to look past it when you've been with someone for years. well. just this and that. characters. habits. hobbies. but responsibility hasn't been added though. i don't know what will happen then.

i don't know whether we'll end up married or as strangers (or strangely married? hahaha). of course, hope and prayers for the former and definitely not the latter. i've never got out of relationship. so, at 26 and had to go through it.. well.. it's kind of hard isn't it? things are fine as it is anyway. plus, siapa la nakkan saya ni. haha.

i have no point of writing this post out. man... that article sucks.

i'll be hitting 8 months. and no sign of going anywhere soon. but God i'm so thankful for these carefree moments He has blessed me with.

kadang aku terduduk di antara syukur dan gelisah. 8 bulan lepas aku yakin seyakinnya aku dah pilih jalan masuk yang baru. tapi semalaman yang pendek, perbualan yang terlewat dan sebuah kerinduan terubat buat aku goyah. tak sangka hanya sebuah perbualan ringan mampu menggoyahkan apa yang aku yakin betul. mungkin jentikan lembut dari Tuhan."bergantunglah dengan Tuhan. bukan manusia. manusia tu termasuk kau lah."

mungkin.

bahagian syukur,
untuk doa-doa yang termakbul,
untuk nikmat-nikmat yang tak terminta,
haadza min fadhli robbi.

bahagian gelisah,
untuk masa depan yang samar,
untuk rezeki yang mendatang,
innalillahiwainnailaihirroji'un.

harapan demi harapan pergi meninggalkan aku yang lali.
mungkin Tuhan menguji,
mana Dia di hati.



lama tak buat post-post macam ni. i'm getting my sense back. heheh.

aku dah buat post konon summing up 2016. tapi macam tak fully summing up je hahaha. so i'm re-writing my end of year post. sebab tiap tahun dah buat kan. so aku sendiri mengumumkan ia sebagai tradisi sendiri jyeaahh!

kalau 2015 adalah tahun yang aku paling kuat mengeluh, 2016 boleh aku katakan tahun aku reti sikit bersyukur. self claimed ni hahaha.

aku cuba keluar dari situasi yang membuatkan aku tak bersyukur. all those man-claimed stability is of no use if they only push me away from Allah. terima kasih kepada mak dengan abah sebab sudi bagi makan & tempat berteduh serta macam-macam lagi kesenangan selama aku jobless ni. aku harap aku tak menyusahkan diorang sepanjang aku masih bergantung harap keperluan-keperluan asas dari diorang. tak ada apa yang aku dapat offer kat diorang melainkan doa, kudrat dan masa yang aku ada.

tak ada apa projek yang aku boleh aku cerita. aku cuma hidup setiap hari tanpa rutin yang tetap.

banyak kali aku cuba untuk balik ke jalan sebelum ni. mungkin belum masanya lagi. mungkin aku yang degil sangat. mungkin jalan lain lebih baik cuma aku belum nampak.

dengan masa free yang ada ni, aku cuba untuk dapatkan balik the state of mind aku yang dulu. not exactly the same. umur dah naik, keadaan sekeliling dah lain. sekurang-kurangnya kalau aku dapat bersyukur dan redha dengan apa yang aku ada dan tak ada pun dah cukup. wallahi, it has been a real struggle. walaupun aku dah buang external factors, it still took me some time to make peace with myself. dan semua ni takkan tercapai, melainkan dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. 2016 insya Allah will end soon. i've made yet another beautiful journey to visit the Holy Land. wished i could stay longer. living there or somewhere near so i could visit it anytime sounds nice too. mungkin bukan rezeki aku macam tu. huhuhu. i really hope that anyone who stumble upon this post would have the chance to visit the Holy Land.

anyway...

back in 2015, aku teringin sangat-sangat visit satu tempat ni. bukan takat berangan, siap dah pergi survey-survey macam nak pergi sangat dah. tapi impian jauh sampai pluto, aku pun give up je la akhirnya. not just once or twice. this is like the lifelong dream. but then, poof! 2016, Alhamdulillah i did went! yes.. after i gave up for the very last time. jenis give up yang memang aku tanak pandang dah. so what did i learn? well.. i should just give up my dreams so they'll come back later for real. hahaha. tak lah. i think, i shouldn't be hoping till i'm over the moon..sampai pluto kot. memang tak sampai la. so.. any dreams, lifelong or just daily ones, i'd learn to not get myself too overexcited and remind myself that if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat.

well.. i've applied for a few jobs. dengan separuh hati. heheh. sebab aku masih tercari-cari arah. i know that ultimately we are to please Allah alone but i just haven't found my way. ada yang aku berharap sampai langit ketujuh. ada yang sebelah rumah je. ada yang memberi perkhabaran baik tapi wrong timing. ada yang tak berapa memberi perkhabaran diinginkan tapi timing kena pulak. hahaha. kesimpulannya, no, none of those are written for me. i accept it now. if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat. yang penting, it'll be fiddunya hasanah, wa fil aakhiroti hasanah, waqina 'azabannar. insya Allah.

i'm signing off with this conversation of ted and robin :

Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.
Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted Mosby: What's that?
Robin Scherbatsky: Timing.

 2017, lebih bersyukur & redha dengan ketentuan Illahi, lebih usaha untuk tingkatkan iman & amal, akhlak yang lebih baik, lebih pemurah & yang mana aku dah jadi lebih baik tahun ni, semoga Allah kekalkan sampai mati. aaamiiinn.

kalau dapat kerja, atau apa-apa yang aku akan buat nanti, aku harap aku ikhlas buat kerana Allah. aminkan yang ni kuat sikit.

Assalamualaikum.

ade orang ke tu? ihiks.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. dah selamat pergi dan pulang dari Tanah Suci. one which i'd say the most emotional one i'd ever made in my life so far. Segala puji-pujian & kesyukuran milik Allah. aku tanak cerita kat sini pun asalnya. takut tertimbul riak. nauzubillahhuminzalik..

but there's this one thing that i'd really really like to share.. in hope that those who are in despair would come to believe again that God is there, forever and always watching over us. dan kemungkinan pada suatu saat nanti, aku la orang yg paling memerlukan post ni.

aku tak berapa ingat samada awal tahun ni atau dalam hujung tahun lepas. kak ipar aku cerita dia nak buat haji. i was thinking to myself that i could perhaps tag along since her mahram is my mahram too. dengan rahmat Allah, i made a dua'a. hoping that i could perform hajj the year after (tahun ni la). i also said that, i know it seems impossible but i also know that Allah could make anything, just simply ANYTHING happen however He wills it. (my turn according to tabung haji is going to take much much long. i don't have enough money to register for hajj package. mahram would be an issue too.) mungkin ini satu-satunya benda yang aku mintak kat Dia bersifat ukhrawi. dan satu-satunya doa yang memang aku sebulat hati berserah pada Dia.

masya Allah tabarakallah.. during last Ramadhan, tetibe my parents ajak pergi. it was purely His doing.. because no, they didn't planned it before. and i think that the last time was supposed to be the real last time they were to brought me there.

i was in tears remembering how He made it happen. i remembered how our plan changes a few times until it all actually happened smoothly. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Sungguh, tiada tuhan melainkan Allah. dan tiada daya dan kekuatan melainkan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada aku.

i asked for a chance to perform hajj. instead He let me perform small hajj first. and i believe that this is what's best for me now for Allah is the best of planner.

so.. if you're in despair and losing hope, just make a dua'a.. a simple one. asked for what you want from Him. and TRUST Him that He's going to make it happen, however best for you at that time.

and the rest...is history.

wallahu'alam.