.unspoken.

today while scrolling instagram, i found 2 posts next to each other quoting "which favour of your Lord will you deny?"

while studying, i thought i'd get married right after graduation.
when i actually graduate, i thought i'd be working for a while, then get married, then be a homemaker.
when i actually worked, i thought i'd need to continue to work even if i get married, for a whole lot of reasons.
then i resigned.
i thought i'd be doing some less stressful job by now, not making much money but more content at heart.

back back then, i thought i'd be married by now, holding my child and only be thinking of taking care of my family, not thinking of working at all. i thought the idea of being a fulltime homemaker was fixed.

till date, my life, has so far, gone not according to what i imagine.

i've been planning, re-planning, and keep on re-planning. i've been dreaming, re-dreaming, and keep on re-dreaming. i won't lie. it's like, you cannot stop a kid from being curious and wanting to try everything in front of them.

i know for a fact that life doesn't go according to how we want it to but it will eventually work out just fine. but  giving up dreams, redha and being just content with what Allah has been blessing me with, is more than .... words. or.. easier said than done.

successful people always give quote saying such things like never stop dreaming, you're almost there yadda yadda yadda. it always felt less practical to me. i'm not grouped as successful people anyway. haha.

i have decided to give up my dreams and stop planning. no, it isn't a negative statement. i just want to make full use of whatever i have now, be content and nothing more than that. those over the cloud days will be gone. i slowly stopped looking or searching for the things that made me go beyond imagination. it is not easy. my mind has been stucked on them for some time and i guess, it is a good bye.

wow lecehnya nak log in terus hilang blogging mojo ceh blogging mojo that's soooooo 2007.

satu satu Tuhan tarik
antara nikmat dan sengsara
untuk tujuan yang tak pernah lain

sampai kau sedar dunia ini tak ada apa
sampai kau tak hidup dipuji, tak mati dek keji
sampai kau sendiri cabut wayar-wayar hati yang tersangkut dengan dunia
sampai kau sendiri cangkukkan dengan akhirat
sampai kau sendiri pilih untuk sandarkan pada Allah dan tak ada yang lain

dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل‎

teringat macam mana Dia susun untuk aku belajar makna nama Dia yang sungguh cantik
Al-Qayyum

i just missed it. i had prepared for it last week and God has made my path easy but i was at fault. i should've mailed it last week. right there. right after the sky cleared off. God. i'm so slow and clumsy. i really am frustrated with myself right now. this is also not the first time. in fact, i've been slow most of the time, resulting in a lot of missed opportunities.

i had this ideas of some positive stuff to post here 10 minutes ago. and now they're all gone. much with the hopes and resentment towards myself.

i have a lot more to reflect.

I'm angry, sad, exhausted, frustrated. I counted the days and it doesn't feel so right. It's almost a month now but truthfully, it dated back longer than that. Eating unhealthy food for a long time will cause diseases. Probably incurable. Or even if it is curable, it'll take time. I think, negative words are alike. We feed our heart, mind and soul with words from surrounding. Negative actions and words are like unhealthy food. Bad in, worse out.

For the past 9 months, on and off, sometimes on for quite some time, i've been surrounded myself with negativity. My eardrums have been chewing rants and screams. Resulting in those few words described earlier.

I'm really beyond tired inside. I've come to dislike long series of questions. Like, if i say that the we will leave at 9, i'm okay if u ask me ONCE "are we leaving or gathering at 9?" But if it is followed by small, less significant, common sense required kind of questions, i'll get annoyed in no time. "So do we wear certain kind of clothes? Are we going to need snacks? Do we stop anywhere along the way? What time do we wake up? Has the car been filled with petrol? Blablablablablablabla." Maybe i was like this before. God. I'm sorry everyone who i might've annoyed like this before. I will change insya Allah.

And these days i hate people rant. Releasing stress is when you say what's been bothering you, ONCE IN A WHILE. While ranting is when you keep saying why you're bothered, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Do you how tiring it is to hear people's rant? Really,really tiring! Life is a series of events to be thankful for. Saying Alhamdulillah, recognize it in our heart that Allah is the one granting everything we are and we have and acting thankful for having to receive nikmat. God. I probably have been an avid rant-er before. During a certain period of time in my life. Forgive me Ya Allah. Please please please please protect me from being ungrateful and rant after this. Please please please make me thankful and act like one.

Regards,

The regretter.

i had this moment of losing myself in my own thought today. probably also because i read that freakishly long article on staying married for long.

here i am. past midnight. jobless. clueless. bujang as ever.
i wonder what will be on my mind a year from now. kalau Allah panjangkan umur la. haha.

it's almost 7 years now. man.. it never crossed my mind that i'd be in a relationship for this long. i never thought i have such loyalty hahaha. 7 years. 7 freaking years. you know what happened since we met? all my nieces and nephews were born. dari nombor 1 sampai 7. aik sama 7 jugak??). i finished foundation studies. i continue my degree. i graduated. i got a job. i resigned. i had time off. i travelled to a few places. i got fat with still no sign of losing them fats. well ym cease to exist. haha. and so, so, so much more i can't even think.

you know what's the significant thing happened? we both change. over time. it's inevitable and hard to look past it when you've been with someone for years. well. just this and that. characters. habits. hobbies. but responsibility hasn't been added though. i don't know what will happen then.

i don't know whether we'll end up married or as strangers (or strangely married? hahaha). of course, hope and prayers for the former and definitely not the latter. i've never got out of relationship. so, at 26 and had to go through it.. well.. it's kind of hard isn't it? things are fine as it is anyway. plus, siapa la nakkan saya ni. haha.

i have no point of writing this post out. man... that article sucks.

i'll be hitting 8 months. and no sign of going anywhere soon. but God i'm so thankful for these carefree moments He has blessed me with.

kadang aku terduduk di antara syukur dan gelisah. 8 bulan lepas aku yakin seyakinnya aku dah pilih jalan masuk yang baru. tapi semalaman yang pendek, perbualan yang terlewat dan sebuah kerinduan terubat buat aku goyah. tak sangka hanya sebuah perbualan ringan mampu menggoyahkan apa yang aku yakin betul. mungkin jentikan lembut dari Tuhan."bergantunglah dengan Tuhan. bukan manusia. manusia tu termasuk kau lah."

mungkin.

bahagian syukur,
untuk doa-doa yang termakbul,
untuk nikmat-nikmat yang tak terminta,
haadza min fadhli robbi.

bahagian gelisah,
untuk masa depan yang samar,
untuk rezeki yang mendatang,
innalillahiwainnailaihirroji'un.

harapan demi harapan pergi meninggalkan aku yang lali.
mungkin Tuhan menguji,
mana Dia di hati.



lama tak buat post-post macam ni. i'm getting my sense back. heheh.