setahun kemudian ... how far have i gone eh? well let's see.. i'm still clueless of what to do after this, that's for sure. haha. still will be going around this field probably for a little more while. one sure thing is i've probably scratch off pursuing masters degree for good.  i'm sorry mummy wouldn't be able to brag about having her daughter flying off elsewhere but i've come to a conclusion that i am the one living my life so bare with me. insya Allah what's to come will be better than what has gone.

getting busier now. felt like i've been working non-stop since raya. it's like baruuuu je masuk lepas raya kan eh laa dah masuk bulan 9 keeee. there's a very short break in between but nothing more than a 10 minutes mind off any tasks. eleh macam la aku ni senior hahahaha. anyway, a change for environment sounds good now that i think i've learned quite a lot of things from my current workplace. a lot more to explore here but i'm thinking of going back to structural works. yeah yeah headache here come!! hahahaha. still not have the courage to jump out though cause when you wanted a job based on experience then people will have expectations over you and i hate that because i just do hahahahahahahahaaha.

this is me having konon-konon late night thought. i missed a lot of people and a lot of things but we're moving on aren't we?

.post that awkward moment.

dim light of the lamp post
by the roadside
a bench
for a little while i thought you were there with me.

el fin.

tadi ingat nak buat post ajet2 cam humble tapi kalau baca balik macam holier than thou.
pastu google menguji kesabaran.
dan aku gagal dalam ujian berkenaan.
sekian dari saya malam ini.
tet.

i struggle to live in my own little world.
i hope you do too, everyone.

bekerja dia sebuah syarikat yang punyai semangat assabiyah yang tinggi mengajar aku untuk mengadakan hubungan diplomatik tapi jangan fake.

aku tengah menikmati hari-hari menghadap komputer secara banyak ni.

tetibe terpikir nak taip.

lepas habis belajar memang aku lost. lost habis. tak tau kemana.
nak teruskan dalam bidang ni? macam takde "passion".
nak pergi bidang lain? mana ha mana? mana so called "passion" tu nak pergi?
nak goyang kaki? tak boleh lama. mak dgn abah dah tak boleh support. well secara teknikalnya mampu la tapi sampai bila nak jadi tanggungan mak abah?
nak sambung belajar? belajar apa? masters? phd? bidang apa? dah tadi kata take "passion" kan. lagipun, siapa nak bayar? yuran, duit poket, kos pergi balik.

dan aku banyak kali termenung. tempat praktikal aku dulu ada la hint suruh hantar resume. tapi entahlah. masa tu aku fikir konon-konon jauh jugak. ingat lagi masa tu on the way balik ofis dari site. kemain jauh lagi aku tengok luar tingkap. akakakaka. masa tu kalau ikut akal, aku nak jer keje situ. consultant firm, banyak belajar. ofis tu pun aku dah biasa. aku suka tempat tu. jujur aku kata, memang aku suka kawasan situ. tapi disebabkan aku emosi sangat masa tu, aku tak hantar resume. cam bongok jugak sebenarnya alasan untuk beremosi tu tapi whatever. aku yakin, emosi tu datang dengan hikmahnya (lepas dah fikir balik ni la wahaha). mungkin kalau tak sebab emosi sgt masa tu, aku pun masih kat situ sekarang. mungkin je la.

tapi aku yakin. yang lebih baik adalah berada tempat sekarang. yang mana lepas dah 7 bulan baru aku nampak. hikmah-hikmah manis yang Allah dah sediakan untuk aku. banyak aku belajar. dan dalam banyak-banyak aku belajar tu, aku syukur sangat disebabkan aku beremosi sampai tak mintak keje kat tempat praktikal dulu, aku sebenarnya dapat apa yang sebenar benar benarnya aku nak. mula dulu aku ingat, aku nak belajar banyak kat consultant firm sebab aku risau aku tak dapat belajar kat tempat lain. tapi Allah tu Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hambanya lebih drp apa yg hambanya tahu. aku masih belajar benda yg aku rasa aku patut belajar kat tempat lain. siap benda-benda ekstra lagi.

dan sekarang, aku kembali di persimpangan yang aku cipta. biiznillah.

meniti alam pekerjaan ni buat aku sedar yang walau macamana tak sukanya aku pada sesuatu rutin/keaaan/perkara/seumpanya, dan walau macamana resistant nya aku (makin resistant makin menjadi), sampai satu tahap, well.. i'll get use to it. mungkin dah lama sebenarnya aku tau tapi tak perasan. macam masa mula-mula masuk sekolah menengah dulu. i (almost) quietly resist the idea of changing school. i missed my friend really really much (back then). tapi bulan berganti dan lepas setahun, akhirnya, bak kata wani ardy, i finally make peace with myself. i accept everything that has gone by and in between. i made friends for life, i finished high school just fine. dan bila fikir balik, syukur Alhamdulillah aku tak la kepala batu sangat (kayu mungkin) sebab tak sungguh-sungguh mintak tukar balik sekolah dulu. dan mungkin sebab aku matang sikit walaupun rewmawjeww dan tak nak pentingkan diri sorang-sorang. kihkih.

maka sekarang, walau aku resistant sangat pada mulanya (balik rumah hari-hari cakap nak berenti), i think i'm starting to make peace with myself. and with my surrounding at work. i sure miss the nice family-like environment during my practical days but that was then. though it's really hard to say this but i'm enjoying the things i'm doing. well enjoying is not really the word but can't really think of any now. the drama, the people, well.. new things everyday. syukur ada teman berbual bicara. syukur berpeluang memahami maksud "pengalaman". tak tahu berapa lama lagi kat sini but i'm just going to cherish every second i have.

still, everything must come to an end. insya Allah soon but without much hatred anymore.

macam partner cakap, i'm at the right place for now.

:)