dah nak dekat pukul 12. aku dah run through azam 2019 kat blog satu lagi jadi aku malas nak buat satu kali lagi kat sini. lagipun aku dah sum up siap-siap hari tu (thank u meself). kesimpulan 2019 ni pendek je. syukur Alhamdulillah. tempoh bertenang yang aku mintak dah Allah kabulkan. despite failing twice, resigned again and still struggling to catch up, aku dalam keadaan yang lebih tenang. syukur Alhamdulillah. perasaan tenang yang Allah titipkan dalam hati aku. mungkin 2020 bakal membuka lembaran baru. atau mungkin hanya kesinambungan yang sebelum-sebelum ni.

setahun yang lepas aku berharap dengan penuh kerinduan. insya Allah dalam perancangan dah sekarang. moga-moga terkabul, dengan izin Allah Azza Wajalla.

untuk 2020 harap diri ini lebih bersyukur dan banyak bermuhasabah. untuk lebih dekat dengan Dia.
untuk orang-orang tersayang, aku mohon dikurniakan kesihatan dan sama-samalah kami ditingkatkan iman.

entering my last year of 20s insya Allah. kalau tak jumpa calon (jumpa je belum nak kawen lagi) tahun depan, aku nak mengembara kejap la lepas tu. so hello partner. time to show yourself up?

selepas siri reflection minggu akhir-akhir ni, aku sedar yang angan-angan entah apa-apa aku sebenarnya hint untuk diri sendiri. sudah masa untuk aku pertimbangkan titik noktah.

garis terakhir.
titik muktamad.

di bulan ini, sedekad yang lepas, rama-rama mula bertumbuh di segenap sudut dunia yang aku kenal. yang tak diundang namun tanpa sedar pintu terkuak luas mengalukan kemanisan yang tak terjangka.

sedekad.
sedekad sayang.

meski yang terjadi tak seperti yang terharap, aku takkan pernah berkemahuan menukar untuk yang lain. tak pernah terjangka kemampuan aku untuk jatuh sedalam ini.

dalam ingatan, kamu yang mengajarkan aku untuk mengambus semula lubang ini dengan titik paling noktah setelah kita bangkit.

kekuatan, marilah.




sayang, belum masanya.

tonight i just feel a little extra melancholic.

being stucked in between is still hard for me. when you know both sides of stories and yet you can't come and intervene between the greatest relationship between humans.

i once resisted. i used to get easily stressed by this one reason. i used to thought that life is unfair when i had to lived a little differently than the upper ones. but God knows the best. i am no mother yet i am babying my love. i have never bear a child yet i'm changing diapers. a joke i told myself, my mates are looking for the best price for diapers and milk for their kids. and there i was, looking for the same exact things for a special one.

i have never planned my life to be this way. i always thought i'd get married at 23. perhaps mother is the only one i knew then. and here i am, 5 years past the age. do i feel lonely? tonight i do. do i wish for my life to happen differently? never. a week ago i started to imagine myself being married to someone. someone unreachable. for the past week, it felt good. even if they were just wishful thinking. a year from now, if God wills for me to live that long, i probably won't remember who the heck was i imagining. i'd be laughing at how stupid i was. if i am still single, perhaps that feelings will come lingering on my mind. for another whole week.

after a while, i realised that he was just another version of someone precious to me. physically, you weren't much different. you share the same smile. the same eyebrows. the same voice. i guess i have only been imagining my life with that someone precious. will i ever be break free of my own thought? i don't know. i felt much stupider that my friend mentioned the name today. perhaps i've been mentioning the name too much in me that it started to appear on my forehead. stupid, yet true.

i love the both mothers. i love them too much i wish for their peace and serenity. i wish they'd understand one another and choose to stop resisting like i did.

i loved the someone precious to me. i can't really say the same thing for the other one. i don't know him personally. although we've shared the same air for the past decade. but i choose to stop resisted yet again. because i've learned that i could only let it go when i let it be free. i wish to stop seeing him in another person ever again. it happened 3 years back. when i met someone who is just 99% similar like someone precious to me. his way of thinking. his way of talking. and it is happening now.

i have no point to prove. this life sucks playlist from spotify made me into this person tonight.

and yet again, i miss you.

sad news : i failed (for the seventh time in a row maybe?)
good news : insya Allah yet another journey in january

baru 19 disember tapi rasa nak sum up the year dah. lepastu baru je klik post last year. 19hb jua ku lakukan. wow signifikannya 19hb ni. hahaha

and yet again, Allah fulfilled my wishes. Alhamdulillah setahun ni orang-orang tersayang (dan aku jugak) sihat walafiat. moga-moga Allah terus menerus berikan kesihatan utk aku dan orang-orang yang tersayang supaya dapat beribadat kepadaNya...

tahun ni aku lebih rileks dan tenang menghadapi ranjau-ranjau kehidupan. Alhamdulillah. aku yakin rileks ni pun Allah yang titipkan dalam hati aku. nak kata takde cabaran tu tak jugak. sekali lagi Allah dah kabulkan harapan aku. nak gembira dan redha. taknak sedih-sedih dah. adakah bermakna aku dah totally get over my past story? tak jugak. masih dalam tempoh bertenang. cuma tidaklah rasa seranap setahun yang lalu. benda-benda tak terjangka pun terjadi. syukur. aku harap Allah tetap titipkan ketenangan ni untuk tahun seterusnya dalam menghadapi ujian dan cabaran mendatang. dan semakin mendekatkan aku dengan Dia.

harapan aku untuk tahun depan aku dah tulis kat atas. dan aku nak tambah satu lagi. aku harap Allah temukan aku dengan peneman a.k.a teman hidup aku. tentulah yang terbaik untuk aku di sisi Dia. aku takde sebab yang spesifik untuk harapan ni. not out of desperation. neither out of loneliness. cuma terlintas je semenjak dua menjak ni. dan aku harap aku bertemu biarlah dengan seorang je. dan dipermudahkan.

andai yang menjemputku adalah maut, aku harap sangat aku sempat bertaubat dan selesaikan urusan-urusan atas dunia ni tanpa menyusahkan orang di kemudian hari.

sekali lagi aku nak repeat. sementara je semua ni. esok-esok, balik la kita. wassalam~

this reminds of the call from 3 years ago.

it was near to our departure date. i think if i may recall again, it was probably a week before d-day. it was a normal afternoon when my phone rang. the call that i've been waiting for the longest time. unexpected call at unexpected time. it took me by surprise since i failed a couple of times previously. given any other time, i'd be all excited and prepared the best version of myself. but... it wasn't like any other time. i was in between answering His ultimate call and chasing after my dream. a dream.. or so i thought.




.................................

sambil-sambil dengar jepun ni.

fuh akhirnya tamat siri time machine. harap-harap takde relapse. hihu. bila last entah aku lupa. cewah lupa :P. i've enjoyed the memories that come resurface from the back of my mind. rasa macam tengah tengok ulang tayang je hahaha. but as it is. semuanya dah menjadi memori-memori manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. each one with lessons i'd cherish..

terima kasih insan-insan yang pernah bertembung dengan saya. aren't u all lucky that u have met me? wakakaka kkkkk gurauuuuuuu. aku dah tuit-tuit apa-apa yang terlintas. biarlah terkambus dalam tuit personal aku je. kalau sampai masa nak resurface balik nanti pandai-pandai la dia timbul.

dah lama tak penat otak camni. seminggu dua ni fikir nak revise dengan buat esaimen. senanye aku penat otak hari ni. sambil tu aku sedih sebab teman belajarku ada problem. sedih ok. nak menyambung ni bila ada teman, baru la ada seronok sikit. satu lagi sedih sebab teman sorang lagi nak pindah. actually happy for her but also sad at the same time that we won't be able to see each other any other time like the past 2 years. well.. life just happens.. we grow and we move on.. all these memories will be playing like a film without sound..

nak tulis kat blog satu lagi. punya la macam-macam benda random terfikir hari ni. tapi bila bukak blog... tulah.. tulahhh tuuuuu

just some random thought today:

the girl i've been closely following has now become a mother!! so happy for her. dari dia mula berbunga-bunga dengan shuben (then bf) dia aku rasa mcm, isk, kita doakan la diorang ni bersama. entah lah. suka berharap diorang bersama. macam tengok sinetron lak aku kan. wahahaha!!

so the adik classmate i've mentioned before who is ever so young & carefree has now looked quite dark & gloomy. putus cinta punya pasal ke. fuh. penangan. so kids, don't fall in love. you'll get ruined forever. just stay single, happy & carefree for the rest of your life ok.

akhir-akhir ni banyak dapat sun time dengan natural ventilation. serius beza benar dengan situasi seharian terperap dalam ofis. rasa sihat. i wish boleh stay macam ni. haha. so now i know i'm not a winter person. setakat bercuti sekali sekala tempat sejuk2 sikit tu ok la. nak bermastautin is no nehi never everrrrrrr.

tengah bawak kete ondewei balik tadi terlintas, wah, dah hampir setahun fasa hujung tahun yang tak terjangka aku berlalu. setahun yang lepas, tak sangka aku akan rasa begitu teruji. huhuhuhu. apa-apa pun, syukur. that gruesome phase has made me into a better person.

and i'm going to love myself a lot more than i'd ever think of :)

i need a major revamp in my life.

i need to change.

no.

i must change.
i must change.
i must change.

aduh tak sedap cakap inglish ni tak masuk ke dalam kalbu.


aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
untuk diri aku.

bukan untuk jodoh.
bukan untuk cari kerja.
bukan untuk mak abah.
bukan untuk siapa-siapa.

aku mesti berubah.
untuk aku.