been trying to write here few times but end up crossing everything off. adulthood is confusing. when you had that rage, you can speak about anything. but then everything else kicks in and you'll stop and walk away. we're not very expressive anymore. we turned this considerate person who'd think of consequences before taking any move. and that's probably why i missed that one chance out.

i'm still not over what i did 3 months ago. i caught feels. i was confused with my own self. i let myself out once again. yet, i was afraid and didn't actually let myself all out. i was scared of another heartbreak. yes, staying at home was one of the reasons. but it wasn't the sole reason. i did have the intention to find a partner this year. i thought of utilising the quarantine time to do it. and when a non-cringed match came, i thought of giving it a try. but i was still afraid. of me. of that person. of just... anything. maybe he didn't make me confident enough to move. maybe i wasn't letting my past go yet hence i couldn't move. maybe it was a bit of both. but i realised that i was all ready to move. finally. maybe there's still bits & pieces left but i am no more clinging on to what was gone.

i miss having someone to talk to about anything. i miss hearing about someone's day. i miss clinging on to someone. i miss giving attention to someone. i miss the comfort in knowing there's someone who'd be willing to spend the rest of life with you... sharing your life together and strive to be better together...

i am thankful for the time i have with my family especially with my parents now. what i miss doesn't cancel that out..

takdir Tuhan, kalau berseorang itulah untuk aku, mungkin yang sebaiknya. mungkin masanya akan tiba jua aku perlu belajar untuk memeluk rasa kesunyian ini yang akan tiba menjengah sekali sekala.

Ramadhan! ^.^

Alhamdulillah direzekikan lagi untuk bertemu dengan Ramadhan tahun ni dalam keadaan sihat walafiat. moga Ramadhan kali ni lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

it felt so surreal. teringat balik. ramadhan tahun lepas. duduk kat kafe tunggu waktu buka dengan kawan-kawan. it hit me then. i never thought that i'd be celebrating ramadhan that way. huhuhu.. masa tu rasa dah cukup unik dah. tengok-tengok tahun ni lagi unik.

anyway, semuanya untuk kita syukuri. dan semuanya untuk menjadi asbab kita semakin dekat dengan Allah.

initially thought of doing my pending assignments but God knows how much distraction twitter is! hahah salahkan twitter kan. siap edit gambo lagi eiiiiiiiiiiii.

tak siapa dapat jangka apa yang akan berlaku. you think anyone would make 2020 resolution considering a month long movement control order? hahaha.. anyway, benda bersejarah dalam hidup la terlibat dengan kawalan pergerakan macam. i think i need to immortalise this in writing.
 january to march flew by really, really fastest. gitu punya laju kan..

apa-apa pun, aku bersyukur untuk setiap rezeki yang Allah dah bagi kat aku. on this date 2 bulan lepas, aku baru je habis jetlag dan masih konfius dengan panggilan telefon yang tak terjangka. a flow of confusion yet thankfulness. and here, two months after, i did not thought that i'd be here like this.

5 bulan aku bergolek. dan di hari pertama aku masuk tempat baru terus dpt announcement cuti. i was confused. to say whether it was a bless or otherwise. risau. but i've to term that everything i ever got is from Allah anyway. dan sesungguhnya setiap satunya punya hikmah manis untuk aku fikir dan syukuri. Alhamdulillah..

aku nak tulis beza goyang kaki 5 bulan dan sebulan ni kat tempat lebih public. tengok la kalau rajin hahaha.

maybe i should write somewhere else. hmm.

tonight i feel extra melancholy. rasa macam nak tengok movie sedih nangis-nangis je hahaha tebiat sehh..

1 year 7 months.

tests came with a multifold of hikmah. bapak told me today that perhaps he and mader would've been elsewhere instead of where we'd been to over a month ago. perhaps if i didn't decide to leave, he wouldn't have thought of going with mader and me. and the news of travel ban yesterday perhaps made him ponder deeply into what was unknown to us previously.

as angry as i was, perhaps it was the best to leave it right there and then. despite year long of resisting, perhaps it was the right place for me to be.

changed to crappier job. too mad at myself that it pushed me to continue my study. resulting in ending my almost decade long of relationship. struggling to cope while accepting qadr. finally calmed down and rebuild myself. yet again pushed to corner and took drastic decision to leave. and here i am today. unfolding these gifts from Allah, one after another.

Alhamdulillahillazi bini'matihi tatimmussolihat

bapak perhaps muhasabah a lot and said i brought barakah (referring to our last trip). i'm not sure. i think it was not me who brought it. but rather he himself did. it was him who spent that much just to bring me over. i only tagged along. and he has never been the stingy type when it comes to spending for goodness and livelihood of his family.


now where's that sad movie i was looking for............

fuh no post at all throughout january. actually ada je menaip tapi kat wattpad sebab malas gila nak bukak laptop hikhikhik..

aduh. banyak benda nak taip tadi tapi hilang dah. ciscoscus!!

ok la bai

dah nak dekat pukul 12. aku dah run through azam 2019 kat blog satu lagi jadi aku malas nak buat satu kali lagi kat sini. lagipun aku dah sum up siap-siap hari tu (thank u meself). kesimpulan 2019 ni pendek je. syukur Alhamdulillah. tempoh bertenang yang aku mintak dah Allah kabulkan. despite failing twice, resigned again and still struggling to catch up, aku dalam keadaan yang lebih tenang. syukur Alhamdulillah. perasaan tenang yang Allah titipkan dalam hati aku. mungkin 2020 bakal membuka lembaran baru. atau mungkin hanya kesinambungan yang sebelum-sebelum ni.

setahun yang lepas aku berharap dengan penuh kerinduan. insya Allah dalam perancangan dah sekarang. moga-moga terkabul, dengan izin Allah Azza Wajalla.

untuk 2020 harap diri ini lebih bersyukur dan banyak bermuhasabah. untuk lebih dekat dengan Dia.
untuk orang-orang tersayang, aku mohon dikurniakan kesihatan dan sama-samalah kami ditingkatkan iman.

entering my last year of 20s insya Allah. kalau tak jumpa calon (jumpa je belum nak kawen lagi) tahun depan, aku nak mengembara kejap la lepas tu. so hello partner. time to show yourself up?

selepas siri reflection minggu akhir-akhir ni, aku sedar yang angan-angan entah apa-apa aku sebenarnya hint untuk diri sendiri. sudah masa untuk aku pertimbangkan titik noktah.

garis terakhir.
titik muktamad.

di bulan ini, sedekad yang lepas, rama-rama mula bertumbuh di segenap sudut dunia yang aku kenal. yang tak diundang namun tanpa sedar pintu terkuak luas mengalukan kemanisan yang tak terjangka.

sedekad.
sedekad sayang.

meski yang terjadi tak seperti yang terharap, aku takkan pernah berkemahuan menukar untuk yang lain. tak pernah terjangka kemampuan aku untuk jatuh sedalam ini.

dalam ingatan, kamu yang mengajarkan aku untuk mengambus semula lubang ini dengan titik paling noktah setelah kita bangkit.

kekuatan, marilah.




sayang, belum masanya.