bulan 7 adalah bulan jiwa & emosi aku diperah, kibas dan sidai berulang-ulang. ape punya perumpamaan entah. haha..

aku dah cerita dengan detail kat wattpad. rasa malas nak repeat kat sini. tapi memandangkan aku masih boleh describe keadaan & perasaan aku, aku yakin la sebenarnya keadaan aku sekarang tak ada apa pun. kalau ada apa-apa, biasanya aku nak cakap pun tak mampu. senyum. dan berlalu gitu je lah.

Tuhan cuma tengah nak betulkan jiwa & emosi aku je. dan aku amat-amat bersyukur bila fikir sayangnya Tuhan pada aku. tak pernah tinggalkan aku sesat & lalai macam tu je. moga-moga tetap disayangi Tuhan sampai akhir hayat...

pagi tadi macam biasa la drive kereta pegi kerja. semenjak jiwa kacau ni aku malas nak dengar radio pagi-pagi. just me & my thought agiichewww.

the past weeks have been nothing but love. no, it isn't the romantic, going on a date kind of love. it's the love that's so far, far greater than that. incomparable. the love by The One who owns it. and us.

despite my crappy self in the interview, my little fingernail, sore throat, more disliking my employer & soon-to-be-rejected offer, i'm feeling more & more at peace.

aku dah cuba sehabis baik. setakat yang aku mampu fikir. i walk around the room looking for the way out. only to find dead ends, each and every time. more & more dead ends.

and today i realized that they weren't dead ends. it's dark. but it's not the end. when i decided to walk further, i only find that each path only leads back to one road. towards Rabb, The One. 

the door is open, it will stay open, until i pass through it.

the door is closed. no matter how hard i try to open it. it will never open.

i'm still in my healing process. it's going to take some time. even if i may have to sacrifice my wish. if the path leads me to Allah, i'm more than happy to do it.

today it also hit me. dulu-dulu aku selalu la baca penulis cerita yang tulis cerita macam-macam. menarik. as if penulis tu dah melalui macam-macam hal & jumpa macam-macam orang dalam hidup ni.

then i realised that i too am probably doing the same thing. sebabkan kerja, aku jumpa wanita bertudung merokok, duk dalam culture kerja berbeza-beza, tengok orang mabuk-mabuk lol, jumpa ofismate perangai pelik. macam-macam jugak la hahaha.

maybe i'm gonna be a storyteller too someday. a girl can dream right? hahaha...

remember in the last post i said i've had uncertainties? well guess what. it grows!! hahaha...

i made plan for september which made me go actively seeking for another thing before september starts. also, i have another 2 plans upcoming in september and november. and out of a sudden, something else intervene...which leads me here. hahaha..

anyway, i'm feeling a bit low today. i got the news yesterday and can't stop thinking about it ever since. this is february all over again. an upcoming offer. a very tasty looking opportunity. and a crushed me looking for an exit. it feels different this time. sure it lingers too. but rather than getting all over the cloud, i'm going further deep below 6 feet under real fast. it doesn't felt like a dejavu but seems like one. i've had hunch a week or two ago that i'm gonna do it again while my parents are going away this time. hahaha. i get that hunch though it isn't strong.

i accidentally found a related list. it wasn't a shocked but it was uncalled for. today, i went through the list and saw a familiar name. and the onion me of course contacted the name and voila! i was correct. i also realised the names sound pretty modern. not 2000s modern but modern enough hence they might've been younger than me. and i was right hahahaha.. my source even told me that the others are pretty much strong contenders. told her i felt like a kure-kure and she felt like she's labi-labi. geng. hahaha.. i felt defeated even before starting the war. well it wasn't a war but i haven't been on these kind of competition say...10 years ago!? well... i don't feel like competing. i've been silently competing with myself about one & a half year ago... job hunting... and it was tiring. yet humbling.

right now, i kind of regret telling my parents earlier on lol should've just wait after it happened hahaha.. well.. the usual me..

being mid 20s and moving towards 30, i think, i've grown quite a bit. you know.. you listened to the hard life experienced by those who have succeed.. or the stories from those from old age.. of how they gained wisdom and became who they are today. but it's so different when you experienced it yourself... or see you friends/family going through it...

until now, i've seen family struggling to get up & go on after choosing the path of life he wished.. and got beaten down over and over again. friends got married. divorced. going through a long period of unemployment with no hope of landing a job. and settled for whatever's coming. friends started business and steadily going. friends started business and failed just within a short period of time. friends wanting an exit from their crappy job. lost loved ones...

it's different.. bila ko dengar cerita tu dan ambik pengajaran lepas cerita tu dah selesai dengan ko sama-sama tengok atau lalui cerita tu dari mula sampai entah bila dia akan tamat...

why am i contemplating such things..hahaha.. maybe.. because i'm among the older candidates in the list that made me think things through. i'm not sure whether i'm the oldest or there are other older ones.. but it made me realise that as you get older, you get a little wiser. this isn't something you just learn in class or from reading. it comes from life experience.. and there's only one way to learn it.

live.

hm. janggal lak nak menaip. haha.

hello hello ada stranger baca ke ni? or any friends? :B

i don't remember exactly but i think i was 13 when i started blogging. more like public journal. oh God. can't make it public anymore. hahahaha. best part is, it's still on! hehehehe. no am never gonna share it. it's definitely my sanctuary!! it's more than a decade already and i cherish it so much. dari zaman blogger.com/start okay. aku kenal blog pun through 3R. terus try. oh my 3R so nostalgic >.<". this is the first time ever i'm writing it down in my not so private space.

cuma masalahnya sekarang, email yang aku guna untuk blog tu dah tak pakai tapi takleh tukar email huhuhuhu. takpe lah. i'll use it as long as i can. kalau satu masa nanti Allah kata udah udah ler tu maka udah udah ler aku huhuhuhu..

my life is currently full of uncertainties. but as uncertain as it is, i am actually making plans ahead and now i am not sure whether i can go on with it or not huhuhuhu.. kalau cancel means money burned. kalau jadi means energy burned hard!! hahaha.. i don't know. i'll leave it to Allah.

aku dah tak boleh nak berblog dengan rage macam 10 tahun dulu. i sound old now. i write like an older lady now. i wish i still have that rage like i am 15 but i guess i was only hormonal :P. takpe lah. taip apa yang sempat je la gamaknye.

remember last time aku tulis pasal satu job ni yang aku dah lama aim and aku apply and got a straight not suitable? well guess what. my profile got viewed 3 times this time around!! hahahaha.. but now it makes me wonder. why was my profile being viewed but no calls coming in? i mean, if you don't like it at first sight, you shouldn't view it 3 times you know. or maybe your pc got hang until you clicked my profile the third time? well this sure is worse than a straight rejection. i mean, if i was being rejected than it's easy. i hope, it shattered, i feel devastated, i move on. but this 3 times being viewed is hanging me. are you going to call or not? if not then fine just click not suitable then khalas but do you have to click it 3 times and nothing happened??? overthinking much? wait till you have to wait and a glimpse of hope knocked on your door for a second with no assalamualaikum or goodbye hahahaha merepek ape laaaa. anyway, now i know that being devastated is better than being left hanging.

so... like this question being unanswered, most probably no answer until i receive an email saying the position is now closed, i'm going to gather all these courage that i have left, and embrace it. embrace this one last, probably the biggest now, question i am going to ask him. entah bersedia entah tidak.

tapi daripada entah iya atau tidak, lebih baik kenyataan yang muktamad.

please pray for me.
doakan saya kuat & redha.
moga Allah kurniakan kekuataan & keredhaan buat awak yang mendoakan saya.