wow blog ni dah 4 tahun. satu pencapaian. haha.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

dah banyak kali taip padam taip padam tak jadi2 nak tweet. entah.

in between satu malam yang tiba-tiba kat hospital,
2 malam baby nangis sepanjang malam,
2 siang yang panjang dan merisaukan,
dan aku yang entah ke kiri entah ke kanan.

antara kesyukuran adalah kerja yang tak demanding off office hour macam dulu. setakat ni. haha. Alhamdulillah.

sebenarnya aku pun tak tau nak describe. semuanya laju berlalu. dan aku yang kaku. kau tau perasaan yang takde perasaan? numb. kebas. macam tu lah rasanya. makin kebas, makin mudah rasa nak bergelak ketawa. dan menangis. tanpa rasa. tanpa jiwa.

banyak kali tersinggah dalam fikiran aku. setahun yang lalu dan setahun yang kini. setahun yang tak terjangka mana aku hari ni. who knows i'm an mrt regular now. who knows i'd be working in area i've always wanted to avoid and not hating it as much as i thought i would. haha. who knows i'd feel that not getting married is fine and not just trying to hard to convince myself that it is. it feels so surreal to reflect back on what i had then and now. all praises due to Allah, yang mengatur hidup ini dengan penuh hikmah.

i just realised that when i fall, i fall real hard. i'd give anything and everything and it's only for the one and that one to know. i don't do blind dates. i don't do exchanging numbers and try to see if it's working. i just go serious and straightforward. i guess i knew now why it feels fine. masa baru-baru masuk hari tu ade la persoalan-persoalan status relationship (which is so weird because people don't really asked me before). i guess it's a thing there. declaring one's status. which is weird for me since i don't actually admit to having one before. i guess that trying to preserve it forever is more important than declaring to the world.

sebenarnya aku masih lagi prefer blogger.com/start yang asal berbanding blogger google account ni kbaibai.

i don't remember what was on my mind a year ago. but i was either feeling anxious or thankful.

it's been 2 months. new daily routine. a fixed one, again. less resentment, more accepting. i've probably unconsciously aged more than i thought. haha. Alhamdulillah. so far so good. it's enough if i could be thankful and only prioritize God with every steps that i take.

sedar atau tak, Tuhan dah makbulkan doa-doa aku yang terucap dan tersimpan. dengan hikmah-hikmah manis yang tersembunyi dan nyata.

Allahuakbar.

on the side note, boleh tahan banyak jugak kawan-kawan nak kawin dalam masa terdekat ni. yang baru kahwin pun ramai. hihu. i'm happy for every single one of you :) . termasuklah crush-crush lama yang tak pernah kesampaian hahahahaha. honestly, it feels like a closure hearing the news. mula-mula memang la rasa ala-ala patah hati gichewww hahahaha. but after a moment of telling yourself that no no not my rezeki then it's all good. hehehehe.

entah mana aku baca. rasa macam dari ig ku rina. ke blog dia. saying that, being a muslim doesn't mean that you have to deny that you're feeling sad and hopeless. but it is about directing that feelings towards the right way. yes you're sad. yes you're mad. yes you so hope that it doesn't happen. accept that. accept the fact that you're a human with feelings. accept that feelings you're denying. because if you're not feeling it, what are you moving on from?

on unrelated note (maybe), i have imagined it for quite some time now. i guess that if i were to live the rest of my life not married, i'd accept that. i mean, how will living in denial benefit me anyway. i've had my fair share in life. Allah has and will bless me with so much i could never finish counting my blessings. of course at times i'd get lonely. but i'll just have to accept it anyway. accepting the fact that i might not have a shoulder to hold on to. or the fact that i'd grow old without ever feeling my own child massaging my back. or that i might be staring at families when they have their day out, thinking that ahh what a happy scene. as for now, i'm just thankful for the chance of spending my days with my parents while they are still living.

i watched knowing bros ep. 24 and ucop's video dedicated for his father's birthday.

a mixed of emotions.

to mami, to dedi,
for raising me up,
for never giving up on me,
for your hopes and prayer,

most of all,
for your love,
i can never thank you enough.

for not being able to keep standing on my own just yet,
for not helping you around as much,
for my rudeness,
for raising my voice,
to you who have taught me to speak,
for walking away,
from you who taught me to walk,
i'm beyond sorry...

you've seen me through my darkest days,
from not being able to do anything on my own,
till i'm the me today.

you've helped rise up to my shiniest days,
it might seemed like i was standing on my own two feet,
but your invisible hands will always be there,
unknowingly shown.

i'll forever be grateful to you.

i like to re-read what i wrote. i don't care if it sounds narcissistic. i wrote for me. i am my own audience. i wrote based on what i feel. hence why i've put any writing related career off the table, long, long time ago. because writing, for me, is an art. a way of expressing something i strongly feel about. i may train to write for people but i just to keep it as it is.

and i'm always glad i did.

Awal 1997
"naaaaakkkk keluuuaaarrrrrrrrrr!! tuuu!!! tu!!! tuuuuu!!!"
*keluar sebaldi*

Disember 2007
"kita ingat.. *mengalir* kita tak.. *mengalir makin laju* dapat... *dah makin deras* A langsng!! *banjir*"

Febuari 2011
"saya tak sengaja masa tu gelap saya tengah lari lepastu saya terlanggar mic stand tu lepastu tiba-tiba je dia marah tanya siapa yang langgar mic stand tu saya tak sengaja saya betul sangaja"
*sambil tahan empangan*

April 2017
"....................... i really just wanted to take some time off."
berlalu.
turun.
nampak wajah-wajah yang over-excited dan tertanya-tanya...... never mind.
*masih menahan empangan*


ada satu perasaan berulang.

i'll stay here
right behind you
right where my shadow was

for not being by your side
i'm sorry
i'll always be

you'll always be in my prayer
and i'll stay here

.moved.

some Deep Purple's songs would take me back to a 2 to 3 hour long roadtrip back to kampung. if you get some Blink 182's playlist, you're going to take me back to a short ride to school. with some Metallica, i'd go way back to when i just memorised multplication table.

i was told that my late grandpa from mak's side played guitar. i don't know if he was just damn good or plain bad but abang used to justify his hobby of playing guitar with that. abah, on the other hand, doesn't play any instrument. same goes to my other abang. mak and kakak are just not a big fan of music, not even listened to music.