aku dah buat post konon summing up 2016. tapi macam tak fully summing up je hahaha. so i'm re-writing my end of year post. sebab tiap tahun dah buat kan. so aku sendiri mengumumkan ia sebagai tradisi sendiri jyeaahh!

kalau 2015 adalah tahun yang aku paling kuat mengeluh, 2016 boleh aku katakan tahun aku reti sikit bersyukur. self claimed ni hahaha.

aku cuba keluar dari situasi yang membuatkan aku tak bersyukur. all those man-claimed stability is of no use if they only push me away from Allah. terima kasih kepada mak dengan abah sebab sudi bagi makan & tempat berteduh serta macam-macam lagi kesenangan selama aku jobless ni. aku harap aku tak menyusahkan diorang sepanjang aku masih bergantung harap keperluan-keperluan asas dari diorang. tak ada apa yang aku dapat offer kat diorang melainkan doa, kudrat dan masa yang aku ada.

tak ada apa projek yang aku boleh aku cerita. aku cuma hidup setiap hari tanpa rutin yang tetap.

banyak kali aku cuba untuk balik ke jalan sebelum ni. mungkin belum masanya lagi. mungkin aku yang degil sangat. mungkin jalan lain lebih baik cuma aku belum nampak.

dengan masa free yang ada ni, aku cuba untuk dapatkan balik the state of mind aku yang dulu. not exactly the same. umur dah naik, keadaan sekeliling dah lain. sekurang-kurangnya kalau aku dapat bersyukur dan redha dengan apa yang aku ada dan tak ada pun dah cukup. wallahi, it has been a real struggle. walaupun aku dah buang external factors, it still took me some time to make peace with myself. dan semua ni takkan tercapai, melainkan dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. 2016 insya Allah will end soon. i've made yet another beautiful journey to visit the Holy Land. wished i could stay longer. living there or somewhere near so i could visit it anytime sounds nice too. mungkin bukan rezeki aku macam tu. huhuhu. i really hope that anyone who stumble upon this post would have the chance to visit the Holy Land.

anyway...

back in 2015, aku teringin sangat-sangat visit satu tempat ni. bukan takat berangan, siap dah pergi survey-survey macam nak pergi sangat dah. tapi impian jauh sampai pluto, aku pun give up je la akhirnya. not just once or twice. this is like the lifelong dream. but then, poof! 2016, Alhamdulillah i did went! yes.. after i gave up for the very last time. jenis give up yang memang aku tanak pandang dah. so what did i learn? well.. i should just give up my dreams so they'll come back later for real. hahaha. tak lah. i think, i shouldn't be hoping till i'm over the moon..sampai pluto kot. memang tak sampai la. so.. any dreams, lifelong or just daily ones, i'd learn to not get myself too overexcited and remind myself that if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat.

well.. i've applied for a few jobs. dengan separuh hati. heheh. sebab aku masih tercari-cari arah. i know that ultimately we are to please Allah alone but i just haven't found my way. ada yang aku berharap sampai langit ketujuh. ada yang sebelah rumah je. ada yang memberi perkhabaran baik tapi wrong timing. ada yang tak berapa memberi perkhabaran diinginkan tapi timing kena pulak. hahaha. kesimpulannya, no, none of those are written for me. i accept it now. if Allah wills, it will happen. cepat atau lambat. yang penting, it'll be fiddunya hasanah, wa fil aakhiroti hasanah, waqina 'azabannar. insya Allah.

i'm signing off with this conversation of ted and robin :

Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.
Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted Mosby: What's that?
Robin Scherbatsky: Timing.

 2017, lebih bersyukur & redha dengan ketentuan Illahi, lebih usaha untuk tingkatkan iman & amal, akhlak yang lebih baik, lebih pemurah & yang mana aku dah jadi lebih baik tahun ni, semoga Allah kekalkan sampai mati. aaamiiinn.

kalau dapat kerja, atau apa-apa yang aku akan buat nanti, aku harap aku ikhlas buat kerana Allah. aminkan yang ni kuat sikit.

Assalamualaikum.

ade orang ke tu? ihiks.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. dah selamat pergi dan pulang dari Tanah Suci. one which i'd say the most emotional one i'd ever made in my life so far. Segala puji-pujian & kesyukuran milik Allah. aku tanak cerita kat sini pun asalnya. takut tertimbul riak. nauzubillahhuminzalik..

but there's this one thing that i'd really really like to share.. in hope that those who are in despair would come to believe again that God is there, forever and always watching over us. dan kemungkinan pada suatu saat nanti, aku la orang yg paling memerlukan post ni.

aku tak berapa ingat samada awal tahun ni atau dalam hujung tahun lepas. kak ipar aku cerita dia nak buat haji. i was thinking to myself that i could perhaps tag along since her mahram is my mahram too. dengan rahmat Allah, i made a dua'a. hoping that i could perform hajj the year after (tahun ni la). i also said that, i know it seems impossible but i also know that Allah could make anything, just simply ANYTHING happen however He wills it. (my turn according to tabung haji is going to take much much long. i don't have enough money to register for hajj package. mahram would be an issue too.) mungkin ini satu-satunya benda yang aku mintak kat Dia bersifat ukhrawi. dan satu-satunya doa yang memang aku sebulat hati berserah pada Dia.

masya Allah tabarakallah.. during last Ramadhan, tetibe my parents ajak pergi. it was purely His doing.. because no, they didn't planned it before. and i think that the last time was supposed to be the real last time they were to brought me there.

i was in tears remembering how He made it happen. i remembered how our plan changes a few times until it all actually happened smoothly. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Sungguh, tiada tuhan melainkan Allah. dan tiada daya dan kekuatan melainkan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada aku.

i asked for a chance to perform hajj. instead He let me perform small hajj first. and i believe that this is what's best for me now for Allah is the best of planner.

so.. if you're in despair and losing hope, just make a dua'a.. a simple one. asked for what you want from Him. and TRUST Him that He's going to make it happen, however best for you at that time.

and the rest...is history.

wallahu'alam.

beberapa tahun lepas, Tuhan kasi 'special request' pada aku yang mana aku menonton drama 5 hari (jugak tapi 5 hari yang lain heheh) yang agak .... dramatik. masa tu aku belajar, aturan Tuhan tu adalah yang terbaik.

dan jangan buat mak bapak sedih. hu hu hu.

kadang-kadang bila ko berhadapan sesuatu halangan/masalah/kesukaran/yg sewaktu dgnnya, paling jauh orang keliling boleh cakap, "sabar. dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan. betulkan solat. redha. sabar. sabar. syukur. ada hikmah disebaliknya. hikmah." as someone on the receiving end, it doesn't seem to help. tapi ya, paling jauh orang keliling boleh cakap kat ko pun macam tu jer. sebab selebihnya adalah atas dasar usaha ko sendiri untuk keluar dari kemelut yang melanda diri ko. dan cuma ko dengan Tuhan je boleh faham dan rasa hikmah yang mendatang. dan orang keliling yang nasihat macam tu mungkin dia pernah rasa.

hikmah tu bukan sesuatu yang boleh ko simpulkan dengan kata-kata. it's beyond words, it's not something you could even say to begin with. macam mana orang cuba describe kat ko pun takkan sampai sebab bukan ko yang rasa. macam tu jugaklah hikmah yang Allah simpan untuk ko. hikmah tu manis dan bermakna untuk ko sorang je. dan bila hikmah tu sampai, kadang-kadang boleh jatuh terduduk nangis bila fikirkan betapa sayangnya Allah pada ko.

aku tulis ni untuk aku. mana tau satu masa nanti aku lost lagi dan lagi dan banyak kali lagi. aku harap diri aku boleh pujuk balik diri ini dengan sesuatu.

hikmah.

akhir-akhir ni banyak kali rasa nak menaip kat sini tapi niat tak menghalalkan cara. ceh poyo. sebenarnya malas nak bukak pc. zaman smartfon gicheww.

oh ya. aku ada 2 akaun twitter. satu untuk korang, satu untuk aku. ehek ehek ehek. well. dah banyak sangat masa nak tuit tuit kan. kang setiap minit aku tuit, nyampeh pulak korang baca. jadi, part emo emo aku simpan sorang-sorang. alkisahnya aku nak nyahtoksin peristiwa 5 hari yang tragis. jadi aku gunakan twitter untuk menceceh tanpa halangan. mujarab ke? well.. boleh la daripada takde. esok lusa bila dah settle, aku delete la.

walau macamanapun, alternate akaun buat aku rasa lebih selesa. selesa menyendiri mungkin? eleh.

ada saat di mana aku senang dan selesa dengan keadaan sekarang. ada masa aku cuba lari balik ke dunia yang aku cuba keluar dulu. jenis orang tak tetap pendirian kan. ihikks. tapi silapnya aku tak mohon Tuhan tunjukkan jalan yang terbaik. aku ingat aku terrer kan. sombonk. ish ish.

kalau ikut istilah hamka kereta mayat, boleh tahan bersambung sambung jugak 'special requests' semenjak aku buang surat. mula-mula aku ingat nak goyang kaki and just mind my own business. but i just can't. ish.

nak conclude 2016 dah ke? hurm. tunggu lah aku balik nanti. insya Allah. kalau ada umur, ada rezeki.

macam-macam aku dah berangan dalam kepala aku. tapi yela macam aku cakap kat atas tadi, silap aku tak doa banyak-banyak pada Allah. sebab tu sayup-sayup malap je jalannya. menyesal? well, dah terlepas pun. untuk yang mendatang, semoga aku tak leka dan sombong lagi.

mesti korang tak faham kan? takpe biar aku je faham. eleh. ada pulak korang tu. ihikks.

Fear.

what if i hit the bottom?
what if i drowned?
what if water sneaks in my nose?

Fear.
I am.

things work differently for different people.

ada yang kahwin awal, 10 tahun lepastu baru dapat anak.
ada yang lambat kahwin, lepas kahwin terus rezeki dapat anak.

ada yang habis belajar kat uni awal, dah bertahun pun tak dapat kerja lagi.
ada yang lambat habis belajar kat uni, tapi sebelum habis pun dah dapat kerja.

ada yang kerja gaji tinggi, tapi banyak masa untuk keluarga dan diri sendiri kena korbankan.
ada yang kerja gaji rendah atau sedang-sedang, tapi pergi balik kerja tak stress.

ada yang kahwin lambat, mak ayah panjang umur so dapat berbakti lama sikit dengan mak ayah.
ada yang kahwin lambat, dapat travel ke macam-macam tempat dan berbakti pada masyarakat.

ada yang kahwin awal, dapat anak berderet, comel-comel pulak tu.
ada yang kahwin awal, tak dapat anak tapi bisnes kencang.

semuanya rezeki.
marilah buat senarai kesyukuran.

aku terbaca kat fb my ex teacher dulu, in her 40s i believe. dia habaq "dulu aku selalu doa mintak macam-macam. nak itu nak ini je. tapi sekarang dalam doa aku cuma nak bersyukur je dengan apa yang aku ada." aku translate la ni sebab dia skiping inglish.

sebanyak banyaknya kata-kata ni menampar-nampar aku. because i was once a fool for not being thankful with everything that i have. what's with the stable income, living with my parents and some saving. many weren't able to get that combination. and still, it made me more far from being thankful. hence why i decided to let go of some of them. and i believe that even now it doesn't seem like something that i'd really like, these conditions are really what i needed. and it is for my own good. walaupun aku belum betul-betul nampak sinaran pengajarannya tapi sedikit sebanyak aku dapat rasakan. rasssssa gitu. hehehe.

it's been a month.

instead of saving the world (mine, actually), i'm still stuck here going nowhere. what was initially planned months ago did so not happened. in the end i withdrew myself. i decided not to go. i choose the way where i  do not need to explain so much to anyone around me. particularly around me.

perhaps God put them around me now for this reason. the reason is to show that i shouldn't go that way.
or perhaps i'm blaming God for not taking this path. perhaps trying to find some comfort by blaming God? maybe...

i'm reminiscing a lot these past few days. most of which related to the last trip on April. perhaps i'm looking for an escapism. and you, you might've been my perfect escapism. and that is why i've been looking out for you in my mind. and i really really don't like it. it's been more than a month, and out of all trips i took recently, you've been sticking on my mind a lot lately. perhaps i should start making du'a to get you out of my mind.

heaven must be really nice. to die for. well literally we need to die first before getting into one.

and maybe rather than looking for an escapism, i should've been more redha with what i have now. redha dengan perkara-perkara rawak yang memang lain dari apa yang aku nak. dan mungkin utk hampir 2 tahun kebelakangan ni aku gagal untuk redha.

redha.

Alhamdulillah Allah izinkan aku meluaskan pemandangan (cewah) which is one of my wishlist yg telah lama kupendam ewah ewah ewah.

i'm still thinking whether or not to tell about my trip. nanti lah kalau rasa macam over excited nak mencapub gua tulis la wahahaha.

our group was led by this young guy who was only a bit older than me. entah rasa macam familiar je memula tapi bukan lah kot.

we discuss some stuff while riding on the trains. i mainly asked him about the local culture and whether or not what has been potrayed on screen were actually what happened. and the answer was almost a definite yes. haha.

anyway, other stuff we talked.. well.. it kind of tick me off. one thing is, i really don't read a lot (mengaku terus wahaha). even if you know much more than anyone in this whole wide world, doesn't the knowledge you gained should actually humbling you down than becoming a tool for you to show off how of much you know? Besides, if somebody else could tell me why bother reading kan wahahaha.

also, i do not have anything anyone who wanted to study, work or even live in overseas for a while. good way of gaining experience. but remember that once upon a time, taxpayers funded your study. and the investment is not for nothing. people had hopes in you... that when you finished your study, when you came back, when you joined the society, you'd been an agent of change to improve our life. even me and other local graduates from government universities who did not receives full scholarships like you guys, we are still being partly funded and society had hopes in us. the hope that we will be improving our own society in any way we could. sadly, no one sees through this. and sadly, i only realize this after that night. Allah probably wanted to teach me something. and now i'm re-calculating my decision. hoping that this brief (almost) 2 years of working would be enough. much sadder that some of these graduates fly off somewhere else hoping for a better lives for themselves and never come back.

oh well. i don't read a lot. my close mind do not know as much as you do anyway.
and my close minded self only know that if i do not be part of the movement to improve the society which helps me grow, than somebody else will. and that somebody isn't necessary from our own society no?

sign off.

Alhamdulillah. I did it. no turning back. only pray that things will go on smoothly after this. biidznillah.

i did it not because of anyone but me. dengan tenangnya gua ambil keputusan berkenaan. tipulah kalau tak ragu-ragu langsung tapi entahlah nak cakap camne ek... lepas je hari berkenaan, makin kuat pulak sebab musabab yg menyokong keputusan aku pada waktu berkenaan. huhu.

cuma masalahnya sekarang aku tersepit disebabkan ketidaksebuluan orang lain. akhirnya aku yang terpaksa (ye mmg rasa terpaksa langsung tiada keikhlasan ni) melakukan perkara yang telah menjadi antara punca-punca membawa kepada aku membuat tindakan sebegini. it's not the sole reason but it was one of the biggest push back then and i believe Allah put me through it for good reasons actually. sungguh tahi babun apabila aku yg perlu melakukannya sendiri dan tiada siapa pedulik nak amik tau walhal semua akan kembali kat diorang kot nanti. jadik sekarang aku pedulik ape lah sampai masa nanti bukan hal aku dah. ha ha ha ha.

bila aku describe sedikit sebanyak senario tahi babun ni tu hari kawan aku cakap wah ni nampak sgt aku memendam. aku diam jap sebab tak rasa pendam pun kot? tapi fikir balik, sikit tu mungkin ada la. mungkin je. hehe.

sekian. si penghitung hari. ok. bai.

nampaknya aku je yg masih aktif berbelog. hai dunia maya. hai.

as of tonight, i'm preparing myself to take a huge step. one i've never thought i'd ever do. i am imagining so many scenarios that would happen afterwards, particularly ones which wouldn't go as what i'm imagining now.

i've been considering for about a month now. life on the other side, without such stability i'm having now seems unfavorable. most of which people would told me to hold on first, don't do it, just keep on doing what i do.

and for me, i'm not doing it because i loathe what i do. the thing which have made peace with myself long ago. this thing, the thing i'm going to do, would perhaps be because i think what's missing in my life would be the things i have now. rather irony.

and if i don't do it now, or if i don't ever do it, i perhaps might not learn the lessons i'm going to learn soon. it could've been the people around me are right. i shall not do it and shouldn't ever think about it. but there's also a chance that they are tad wrong. either way, the one that'd do it is me.

so here's me, choosing.

pray for me. may Allah return the favors back to you.

Dear Future,

you're mysterious. very. sometimes i thought i've known you long enough to hold on tight and never let go. but most of the time you gave me reasons to keep on doubting. to stop believing that i'm on my way. well i still am on my way. only that i do not have any idea where am i heading to.

please tell me i'm doing the right thing.
please tell me i am not stopping halfway there.

please.

Sincerely,
Present.

mungkin fasa aku paling tak bersemangat untuk meneruskan hari-hari seterusnya. i mean, not in suicidal way. cuma bangun pagi takde perasaan semangat nak improve kehidupan sendiri. semangat tu. willpower. hilang. not as youthful as i should've been, no?

jumaat lepas pergi kenduri nikah kawan akak. kat dewan yang cantek dah mcm sanding punyer majlis. since kitorang lambat so kena duduk meja blakang. it was fine sebab kita tiga orang je duk situ.

then come a bunch of... kids. umur dalam lingkungan 7-15 tahun. one of them being smart ass was talking all the time about bits and pieces of current... stuff. like all. the. time. yang lain respond la pasal game and using i i i i. lepastu ada sorang makcik ni duk tanya-tanya hal akdemik. then comes a niqabist who talk nonstop wit that aunt. akak dah langgar-langgar kaki aku. i had to restrain myself from making fun of them. i do feel bad for a sec though. but really... how can you let it slide without making a few puns? hehehehehe. yeah yeah i wasn't the smartest kid in school.

and i can't resist till the end. had to say something to my sister. just to let it out of my chest. and for a short laugh. hehehehe. kids...

and today i realised that i haven't been talking or even thinking about getting married for quite a while. probably too much attention on my career and family. and the last post i talked about getting married was january last year! no wonder...

not sure if i'm ready now.. i mean.. i really wasn't mentally ready back then. i'm not even sure if i actually wanted to get married. sometimes i took marriage as an escapism to some of the things i don't want to deal (like ever) and wish for it to come fast. for instance, wanting someone to be my atm machine so i won't need to work anymore, or just anytime i wanna go on holiday and not care about the expenses (my idea of getting married is closely related to money!! haahah!). but most of the time (when i am actually sane, like not emotional at all), i don't think i'm inclined to the idea of getting married just yet. what's with the taking care of the husband and kids, being away from my family foreverrr, having to provide should the husband couldnt' fully do it though he's given all his best, all the incoming lifetime debt, life-changing stuff like omg it's much more than the list of why i wanna get married hahaha. the feeling is just not there anymore. not like how it used to be. i hope it'll come back some day. new phase kinda stuff.

perhaps the fact that i recently imagining the meaning of "completing half of the deen" and, by the mercy of Allah, understand it. and perhaps i should purify my intention to the right reason for getting married. still couldn't install it in my heart that getting married equals to completing half the deen. still more focused on the worldly aspects of it.

don't worry. it's not gonna be this year. not even know when.

i still haven't find what i wanna do but i now know few things i wouldn't want to. still an achievement, no? hehe.

selama sebelum ni aku selalu fikir aku seorang yang positif. jenis "look at the bright side", "there must be some ways" blablabla. tapi tahun lepas aku menemui titik kesedaran yang nyata sekali tak pernah aku sangka.

i'm selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, full of pride and a little rude. i need a big slap on my face and thank God well God did really "slap" me hard. all of which the characteristics not loved by Allah. perhaps i've always been all that and failed to realised it. i probably have said this for the gazillionth times but yes i am not interested much on what i'm doing now (as in my job). but it got me to this point. the point that kind of have been tingling at the back of my mind a few times but i refused to admit. well ego much aren't i?

i have said & write this a few times already but really, 2015 adalah tahun aku paling kuat mengeluh.

my mind was too focused on career which also happen to be something i dislike doing for now.
the year i let, myself to be ticked off by people's perception about me (see how self-centered i've been?!).
also, the year i lost my senses. it's all about me and just me. i pity those around me who cares about me. who also perhaps i've not been treating them with much care they deserve.
the year i've gained the heaviest weight (for now). i'm abusing my body. not taking care of it with my best and this probably is the saddest on the list.

as negative as it sounds, i'm actually really thankful God made me realise this before i die. perhaps He's giving me chance to repent now before deciding to put me in hell (nauzubillahuminzalik). i mean, realisation isn't an easy thing to achieve. i have to first fight with my own inner thought and fake conviction that i'm doing fine..

towards being a better person... who is no more selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, proud or rude..
and i can't achieve any of these without Allah.. so.. towards getting His blessings and love, care and most importantly, forgiveness...