dah nak dekat pukul 12. aku dah run through azam 2019 kat blog satu lagi jadi aku malas nak buat satu kali lagi kat sini. lagipun aku dah sum up siap-siap hari tu (thank u meself). kesimpulan 2019 ni pendek je. syukur Alhamdulillah. tempoh bertenang yang aku mintak dah Allah kabulkan. despite failing twice, resigned again and still struggling to catch up, aku dalam keadaan yang lebih tenang. syukur Alhamdulillah. perasaan tenang yang Allah titipkan dalam hati aku. mungkin 2020 bakal membuka lembaran baru. atau mungkin hanya kesinambungan yang sebelum-sebelum ni.

setahun yang lepas aku berharap dengan penuh kerinduan. insya Allah dalam perancangan dah sekarang. moga-moga terkabul, dengan izin Allah Azza Wajalla.

untuk 2020 harap diri ini lebih bersyukur dan banyak bermuhasabah. untuk lebih dekat dengan Dia.
untuk orang-orang tersayang, aku mohon dikurniakan kesihatan dan sama-samalah kami ditingkatkan iman.

entering my last year of 20s insya Allah. kalau tak jumpa calon (jumpa je belum nak kawen lagi) tahun depan, aku nak mengembara kejap la lepas tu. so hello partner. time to show yourself up?

selepas siri reflection minggu akhir-akhir ni, aku sedar yang angan-angan entah apa-apa aku sebenarnya hint untuk diri sendiri. sudah masa untuk aku pertimbangkan titik noktah.

garis terakhir.
titik muktamad.

di bulan ini, sedekad yang lepas, rama-rama mula bertumbuh di segenap sudut dunia yang aku kenal. yang tak diundang namun tanpa sedar pintu terkuak luas mengalukan kemanisan yang tak terjangka.

sedekad.
sedekad sayang.

meski yang terjadi tak seperti yang terharap, aku takkan pernah berkemahuan menukar untuk yang lain. tak pernah terjangka kemampuan aku untuk jatuh sedalam ini.

dalam ingatan, kamu yang mengajarkan aku untuk mengambus semula lubang ini dengan titik paling noktah setelah kita bangkit.

kekuatan, marilah.




sayang, belum masanya.

tonight i just feel a little extra melancholic.

being stucked in between is still hard for me. when you know both sides of stories and yet you can't come and intervene between the greatest relationship between humans.

i once resisted. i used to get easily stressed by this one reason. i used to thought that life is unfair when i had to lived a little differently than the upper ones. but God knows the best. i am no mother yet i am babying my love. i have never bear a child yet i'm changing diapers. a joke i told myself, my mates are looking for the best price for diapers and milk for their kids. and there i was, looking for the same exact things for a special one.

i have never planned my life to be this way. i always thought i'd get married at 23. perhaps mother is the only one i knew then. and here i am, 5 years past the age. do i feel lonely? tonight i do. do i wish for my life to happen differently? never. a week ago i started to imagine myself being married to someone. someone unreachable. for the past week, it felt good. even if they were just wishful thinking. a year from now, if God wills for me to live that long, i probably won't remember who the heck was i imagining. i'd be laughing at how stupid i was. if i am still single, perhaps that feelings will come lingering on my mind. for another whole week.

after a while, i realised that he was just another version of someone precious to me. physically, you weren't much different. you share the same smile. the same eyebrows. the same voice. i guess i have only been imagining my life with that someone precious. will i ever be break free of my own thought? i don't know. i felt much stupider that my friend mentioned the name today. perhaps i've been mentioning the name too much in me that it started to appear on my forehead. stupid, yet true.

i love the both mothers. i love them too much i wish for their peace and serenity. i wish they'd understand one another and choose to stop resisting like i did.

i loved the someone precious to me. i can't really say the same thing for the other one. i don't know him personally. although we've shared the same air for the past decade. but i choose to stop resisted yet again. because i've learned that i could only let it go when i let it be free. i wish to stop seeing him in another person ever again. it happened 3 years back. when i met someone who is just 99% similar like someone precious to me. his way of thinking. his way of talking. and it is happening now.

i have no point to prove. this life sucks playlist from spotify made me into this person tonight.

and yet again, i miss you.

sad news : i failed (for the seventh time in a row maybe?)
good news : insya Allah yet another journey in january

baru 19 disember tapi rasa nak sum up the year dah. lepastu baru je klik post last year. 19hb jua ku lakukan. wow signifikannya 19hb ni. hahaha

and yet again, Allah fulfilled my wishes. Alhamdulillah setahun ni orang-orang tersayang (dan aku jugak) sihat walafiat. moga-moga Allah terus menerus berikan kesihatan utk aku dan orang-orang yang tersayang supaya dapat beribadat kepadaNya...

tahun ni aku lebih rileks dan tenang menghadapi ranjau-ranjau kehidupan. Alhamdulillah. aku yakin rileks ni pun Allah yang titipkan dalam hati aku. nak kata takde cabaran tu tak jugak. sekali lagi Allah dah kabulkan harapan aku. nak gembira dan redha. taknak sedih-sedih dah. adakah bermakna aku dah totally get over my past story? tak jugak. masih dalam tempoh bertenang. cuma tidaklah rasa seranap setahun yang lalu. benda-benda tak terjangka pun terjadi. syukur. aku harap Allah tetap titipkan ketenangan ni untuk tahun seterusnya dalam menghadapi ujian dan cabaran mendatang. dan semakin mendekatkan aku dengan Dia.

harapan aku untuk tahun depan aku dah tulis kat atas. dan aku nak tambah satu lagi. aku harap Allah temukan aku dengan peneman a.k.a teman hidup aku. tentulah yang terbaik untuk aku di sisi Dia. aku takde sebab yang spesifik untuk harapan ni. not out of desperation. neither out of loneliness. cuma terlintas je semenjak dua menjak ni. dan aku harap aku bertemu biarlah dengan seorang je. dan dipermudahkan.

andai yang menjemputku adalah maut, aku harap sangat aku sempat bertaubat dan selesaikan urusan-urusan atas dunia ni tanpa menyusahkan orang di kemudian hari.

sekali lagi aku nak repeat. sementara je semua ni. esok-esok, balik la kita. wassalam~

this reminds of the call from 3 years ago.

it was near to our departure date. i think if i may recall again, it was probably a week before d-day. it was a normal afternoon when my phone rang. the call that i've been waiting for the longest time. unexpected call at unexpected time. it took me by surprise since i failed a couple of times previously. given any other time, i'd be all excited and prepared the best version of myself. but... it wasn't like any other time. i was in between answering His ultimate call and chasing after my dream. a dream.. or so i thought.




.................................

sambil-sambil dengar jepun ni.

fuh akhirnya tamat siri time machine. harap-harap takde relapse. hihu. bila last entah aku lupa. cewah lupa :P. i've enjoyed the memories that come resurface from the back of my mind. rasa macam tengah tengok ulang tayang je hahaha. but as it is. semuanya dah menjadi memori-memori manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. each one with lessons i'd cherish..

terima kasih insan-insan yang pernah bertembung dengan saya. aren't u all lucky that u have met me? wakakaka kkkkk gurauuuuuuu. aku dah tuit-tuit apa-apa yang terlintas. biarlah terkambus dalam tuit personal aku je. kalau sampai masa nak resurface balik nanti pandai-pandai la dia timbul.

dah lama tak penat otak camni. seminggu dua ni fikir nak revise dengan buat esaimen. senanye aku penat otak hari ni. sambil tu aku sedih sebab teman belajarku ada problem. sedih ok. nak menyambung ni bila ada teman, baru la ada seronok sikit. satu lagi sedih sebab teman sorang lagi nak pindah. actually happy for her but also sad at the same time that we won't be able to see each other any other time like the past 2 years. well.. life just happens.. we grow and we move on.. all these memories will be playing like a film without sound..

nak tulis kat blog satu lagi. punya la macam-macam benda random terfikir hari ni. tapi bila bukak blog... tulah.. tulahhh tuuuuu

just some random thought today:

the girl i've been closely following has now become a mother!! so happy for her. dari dia mula berbunga-bunga dengan shuben (then bf) dia aku rasa mcm, isk, kita doakan la diorang ni bersama. entah lah. suka berharap diorang bersama. macam tengok sinetron lak aku kan. wahahaha!!

so the adik classmate i've mentioned before who is ever so young & carefree has now looked quite dark & gloomy. putus cinta punya pasal ke. fuh. penangan. so kids, don't fall in love. you'll get ruined forever. just stay single, happy & carefree for the rest of your life ok.

akhir-akhir ni banyak dapat sun time dengan natural ventilation. serius beza benar dengan situasi seharian terperap dalam ofis. rasa sihat. i wish boleh stay macam ni. haha. so now i know i'm not a winter person. setakat bercuti sekali sekala tempat sejuk2 sikit tu ok la. nak bermastautin is no nehi never everrrrrrr.

tengah bawak kete ondewei balik tadi terlintas, wah, dah hampir setahun fasa hujung tahun yang tak terjangka aku berlalu. setahun yang lepas, tak sangka aku akan rasa begitu teruji. huhuhuhu. apa-apa pun, syukur. that gruesome phase has made me into a better person.

and i'm going to love myself a lot more than i'd ever think of :)

i need a major revamp in my life.

i need to change.

no.

i must change.
i must change.
i must change.

aduh tak sedap cakap inglish ni tak masuk ke dalam kalbu.


aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
aku mesti berubah.
untuk diri aku.

bukan untuk jodoh.
bukan untuk cari kerja.
bukan untuk mak abah.
bukan untuk siapa-siapa.

aku mesti berubah.
untuk aku.

member text bagitau excited jumpa orang click dengan dia. i'm like awwwhhhh!!! <33333
hahahahaha!!! fresh from oven ni tau!! tak pernah jumpa orang yang diceritakan tapi aku dah berdoa dan berharap jadi je la eh 2 orang ni. aamiiinn ya rob :3 i thought i'm gonna be jealous. turned out i'm feeling as excited to see my friend blooming. ahhh.. i even squeal out of awww-ness!!

the moment she described first time jumpa orang yg click & can talk about everything, wah i so know the feeling. that "i'm home" feeling when i first met him back then. ehehehe. untuk aku, semua tu dah tinggal kenangan manis yang aku simpan rapat-rapat dalam hati. beberapa hari lepas mula terdetik (sikit) rasa bahagia berseorang dikeliling kengkawan dan keluarga. rasa deja vu. macam umur 15 dulu. hm ni rasa nak korek blog lama sebab tiba-tiba rasa pernah tulis. what's with my deja vu working so hardd niiii hahahaha.. zaman sekolah dulu tak fikir pun nak berboifren. kekadang ada l crush kejap-kejap but none were serious. dalam kepala aku dah set nak enjoy masa dengan kengkawan je sebab aku rasa masa tu je aku ada dengan kengkawan aku. maybe that was why it never bothered me seeing peers having boifren. satu lagi sebabnya circle of friends aku pun macam aku wahahahaha.

dan sekarang dah mula datang perasaan nak reset dalam kepala aku benda yang sama. it's been over a year though i wouldn't say that i've got over someone who was an important person in my life. how could i just forget like nothing happened with someone close to my heart in a blink of an eye kan?

dengan keadaan semasa, rasa macam deja vu je.

aku tersedar yang tanpa sengaja nya aku kembali pada diri aku yang berumur belasan tahun dulu. pegi kedai buku, sedar-sedar tengah selak gempakstarz. dengar lagu jepun dan enjoy nak hafal lirik. baca manga scan. and ultimately tonight i trimmed my hair unconsciously like 13 years ago! aku pun tak tau nak describe keadaan ni macam mana. well. aku decide untuk layan je la diri aku.

apa-apa pun, aku doa moga Allah jodohkan kawan aku dengan mamat yang dia cerita tu dan moga berkekalan sampai syurga. aaaamiiin. aminkan sekali la

if you were to ask me a week ago, tanpa ragu-ragu malah dengan pastinya aku bagitau yang aku dah putuskan untuk berhenti. noktah. takde paling-paling belakang lagi.

tapi...

cuma sepetang yang sebentar di kino yang mengimbau semula perasaan suka aku selama setahun belakangan ni mampu menggugat keteguhan keputusan aku yang bukan main susah nak buat. huahuahuaaaaaa...

the first class awakened both sides of me :

i'm so gonna do my bestest that you won't have a choice but to give me an A!!

vs

i'm so freaking stupid how did i failed such easy class to pass!!

aku pun tak tahu side mana nak pergi. hahaha.. dah resign 3 kali dan tiga-tiga kali mampu teguh dengan keputusan walaupun tak nampak masa depan lagi tapi yang ni, sekali zass je terus berubah.

i really have no idea how, what, why i turned my heart so easily. mungkin aku cuma perlukan ruang sebelum memberi peluang.

jangan kata orang lain je. aku sendiri pun terpegun dengan keputusan sendiri. wahahaha!!

atau mungkin nak bertemu jodoh dah ni? #eh


dah la. dah bertahun cakap nak kawen tapi tetap la menyingle. aku tengok balik post kat blog lama. dari blog dulu sampai sekarang cakap pasal kawen. hahaha.. when i was younger, i said that i wanna get married say 25 or 26 la paling lambat. taknak ada karier pun nak duduk rumah simple life je.

and look who's 28 with no sign of marriage and currently working? hahaha.. hidup ni memang tak terjangka. selalunya yang sebaliknya berlaku. apa-apa pun, syukur Alhamdulillah atas perasaan redha dan kecukupan yang dikurnia Allah..

sungguh apa pun di akhirnya, tak akan mahu menyesal. because i've used up everything i have and do everything i could.

and for that, i'm not gonna give up just yet.
bismillah..

Bismillahirrohmanirrohim

finally.

dan kepada Allah jua lah saya berserah.



masih dalam keadaan emosi. moga Allah buangkan emosi yang tak baik ni dan gantikan dengan keredhaan kepadaNya.
Aaamin.

entah macam mana nak mulakan. entah macam mana nak keluarkan.

tak bukak radio. tak bukak spotify. tak bercakap sorang-sorang.
tapi perjalanan balik hari ni kedengaran begitu bising sekali ya. dan mungkin antara yang terpanjang walaupun sampai rumah macam biasa.

semalam aku tanya bos. bos pun tak pasti. maka aku luahkan kerisauan aku dan aku cuma minta dia jujur seawalnya dengan aku.
tengah hari tadi nampak hr masuk lama bercakap dengan bos. aku dah boleh agak tentang apa. cuma yang diputuskan itu tak siapa tahu. lagi dengan sembang bahasa alien kan....
dan tadi sebelum balik, terjawab sudah lah teka teki teka tekuk. not the best but not the worst.

ikutkan, aku dah usaha sehabis baik. tapi Allah Al-'Alim deems that i should be where i am now for my own best. sukar diterima pada awalnya namun ketentuan Illahi tu lah yang terbaik sebenarnya. i need time to digest. i need guidance from Allah for my next step. and the following. well basically till the end of time..

aku terkaku sebentar.

diingat semula, setahun lalu seperti ini juga. aku di posisi yang sama, senario sahaja berbeza.
repeated tests perhaps.
syukur diuji. i have never been as thankful when being tested.
sebab rindu pada Yang Mencipta.
rindu yang tak terubat melainkan dengan cara begini.

berharap,
semoga lebih baik selepas ni. maybe not humanly perceived way. tapi di sisi Allah..



on the side unimportant note, the long drive back home brought me back to my first failed interview some 4 years ago. mungkin sebab terbaca-baca pasal royal family 2 3 hari ni, lepas tu hari ni (out of the many days i've routinely used the path back home) bila lalu sebelah jalan ke situ, buat aku terfikir dan terbayang. entah macam mana kalau aku dapat cari rezeki kat situ pula. maybe 4 years ago. maybe now. lepastu berjerebu sikit harini, teringat pulak kan masa aku pergi interview dulu pun tengah jerebu.......
many things have happened since then. mostly unexpected. i resigned and jobless for a year, worked for a company i thought i'd stay long but took an exit in less than a year and currently working here until God knows when. my colourful career. and plus, i continued study. haha. oh and i gained my weight, lose some, gained back. haha
Alhamdulillah sihat walafiat...

haritu ternampak tpp makan. orang ambik gambar kita pun ikut la. tapi amik dari jauh je haha. terfikir je dari haritu nak cakap kat tpp kita ni berkenan sangat tengok kek buah tpp nampak moist gilewzzz sungguh menyelerakan!! takde point kan. haha. but out of circumstance i'm currently in, terdetik dalam hati nak cakap "tpp, saya taknak mintak kahwin dengan anak tpp. saya just nak mintak kerja je."

wah gituh ko kan. patut mintak kat Tuhan kita terdetik mintak kat manusia pula ye. astaghfirullahal'azim.

till then. adios amigos mi amor assalamualaikum

i'm in this moodless-yet-i-want-to-watch-romcom mood. dah tengok beberapa kdrama and movie kat iflix tapi takde yang melekat. entah lah. me or the dramas in iflix. cuma on your wedding day je enjoy. itu pun ending dia hahahaha kuang ajo mengena betul...

harini family abang gua balik. sembang-sembang dengan akak ipar, tiber dia tanya, "eh kerja ko sekarang okay ke? dah lama ko tak cakap. ke ko dah matang?"

hmm. baru sedar jugak lah. i was such a whiny kid. kerja dekat, gaji on time end of month, weekends off, colleagues & bosses yang helpful, tu pun nak merungut. now in this situation, actually worse than before, but i no more whine. i figured that there's just too much to whine that i decided not to do so anymore. i figured that keeping my mouth shut and just go on with it is the best solution. nothing good comes out of whining... no solutions will come even when you cry until your eyeball come out... so... keeping my mouth shut, put my best effort and pray... those are the only things that worked...

aku sebenarnya ngantuk gila tapi nak menaip lagi haha told u my write up are all done half asleep.

awal minggu baru ni kepala aku rasa serabut lain macam. it finally hit me that i have failed 6 ivs and 2 consecutive sems. biasa lepas fail iv, i took a short while to rationalised my mind again and think about what improvements i can do. no use crying over the spilled milk orang jawa bilang cewaah.

but this... the sixth.. i just can't hold it in anymore.. i cried for the first time... cry not because i lose it but because it hurts... haihh panjang nak cerita tapi ngantuk sangat ni kang merepek repek je..

anyway on to next thing.

aku tengah mood nak tengok or baca romcom. haha. this mood comes once in a while. kekadang layan kekadang buat dono jer. ni dah try tengok kdrama, takde yang menyelerakan pule...

jumaat malam sabtu baru ni keluar dengan memember. makan-makan kat ikea lepastu time nak letak makanan kat meja (lepas beratur 100 jam :3), tiber nampak orang ramai-ramai kat satu meja panjang ni. my just-got-back-from-office brain thought, oh diorang makan ramai-ramai celebrate benda lepastu ambik gambar la tu. lepastuu hihihihi rupanyaaa hihihihi orang ramai-ramai tengah ambik gambar dengan tpp. wah tak disangka gicheww kan. aku dah tuit dah haritu tapi nak cakap lagi ni huwwaaa tpp saya dah lamaa teringin nak makan kek buah yang tpp buat selalu tu nampak macam sedapppp sangattt :3

me no likey fruit cake tapi kek tpp buat nampak moist gilewzz.. haihhh.. goyang kite tau :3

also i like her wrap your body with big shawl style. for me, it looked elegant yet covering aurat. tapi tu lah.. style tu lawo kat dia je kalau kat aku sure jadik nangka.. huhuhuhu

and this sudden reflection i had earlier today..
why are there fantasies about marrying princes and rich ass heirs? me included haha.
maybe.. those who know the value of money and what money can do sees this as an escapism.. escaping the unpleasant things we prefer not to bear given the choice.. this is where the concept of rezeki and tests from Allah comes in handy.. yang mendatang tu dari Allah.. yang keluar tu dari kita..

i used to dream of marrying someone rich.. a prince, maybe.. but, with age comes maturity, with maturity comes wisdom.. learning that life is more than dodging the unpleasant.. living and adapting with tests from Allah.. and at the end of the day, still able to be thankful to Allah.. that's what i'm striving for..

of course, fantasy is still there haha. only watched video cuts of interviews after pertabalan on youtube and suddenly my timeline is full of similar videos ankndlnsldjlwjiowjjd demyu algorithm!!

bila compare diri sendiri dengan tpp and daughters wah begitu langit dan bumi yaa.. sedar diri siap-siap hahaha. i am no princess material. neither have that eloquent speech nor poised all the time.. crazy lazy pulak tu kan hihihihi..

rich heirs or prince, i belong to neither of them. i'm just me, in my own of what seems like a different world. taknak kawen rich heirs atau prince.. i can only imagine all these awkward social gatherings i'd dodge all my life. haha. plus hassanal is undoubtedly handsome and probably nice. dengan saya, memang bumi dan pluto jugak bezanya. so, berangan sekadarnya je lah :3

dah la. bai.

ahh. as always. time depan laptop dah hilang perkataan. haha..

the biggest lesson i've learned last week is very simple yet profound. something i've learnt but had to relearn.

aku rasa ada aku mention sini betapa punya down nya aku dengan keputusan-keputusan aku tahun lepas. i remember i wrote somewhere "i blame no one but me." and for over a year now i though i was doing the right thing not to blame God or takdir for the mistakes i've made.

but i was wrong. i was dead wrong. i finally realised that some things are just inevitable. no matter how much effort i made of only blaming myself that i was the one wrong, it was still a takdir. maybe i've been drowning for too long that i've lost the sense of God in deciding our takdir. kalau ikut rakyat tuiter yang so called woke, taking out takdir in their equation, taking out that God is the one who decides and not us...

keadaan bila datang dalam keadaan kita memang tak ada kuasa, contohnya baby lahir-lahir dah ada kanser, yang memang semulajadi lahir dah dapat dan bukannya mewarisi dari mak bapak dia, lebih mudah untuk kita akui yang sesuatu itu takdir. we obviously have no power over it dan kepada Tuhan juga satu-satunya tempat kita mencari ketenangan.

tapi bila keadaan tu terjadi atas sebab perbuatan manusia, contohnya kita dah cuba sehabis baik untuk jaga makan & exercise, lepastu dapat jugak penyakit. susah untuk tak menyalahkan diri & tengok bahawa situasi ni pun sebuah takdir.

aku bukan la ustazah. takut salah faham juga ni. tapi setakat ni, aku terima macam ni lah. even when i gave my best effort, and weird enough that i was letting my guard down then, it was a takdir that i had to make such decision. di mata manusia, terutamanya mata aku sendiri, nampak macam aku buat keputusan yang salah tapi sebenarnya di sisi Tuhan, ini lah keputusan yang terbaik untuk aku. don't get me wrong. aku tak menyalahkan takdir. cuma aku sedar... it wasn't 100% on me.. i don't know about the percentage but maybe 20% was me and another 80% is takdir. it was fated that i made such decision and it was fated to happen this way.

tetapi pengajarannya tetap juga aku terima. the part that i did wrong. aku mengaku. but the part that situations come in such a way, is beyond my control.

aku cuma harapakn redha Illahi dan redha dalam hati aku atas ketentuan Illahi...

penat gelak tengok 1n2d. i am seriously returning to 18 again. unconsciously. mungkin kena redevelop diri semula. pick up dari point terakhir sebelum kejadian. haha

bila takde bukak blog, macam-macam benda ha nak ditaip. bila bukak je jadi blurr. mungkin sebab bukak pun dah 2.45 pagi. uhuhuhu

i seriously have so much to pen down but my laziness strikes. actually, not really lazy. just... dalam fasa nak menghadam. 1n2d is a really good escapism. haha. mulanya sebab nak tengok diorang buat apa. lepastu termelarat pulak eh eh eh.

ada hari rasa nak sengaja rebahkan diri tak bangun-bangun. too overwhelm.
ada hari rasa kena bangun dan tetap semangat.

rasa macam ujian berulang. aku harap keputusan kali ni lebih baik..

aku cuma harap serangan tahun lalu tak berulang. i've to learn how to accept and redha.
some things are just not meant to be. while some other things are just meant to be.

i am refocusing my view in life. sedang usaha untuk kembali berada di sudut pandang ketika dijentik Tuhan suatu ketika dulu. i'm not gonna lie. it is so hard. benda mungkar yang nyata, senang untuk kita akui. benda mungkar yang tak nyata, sukar. lagi-lagi bila kita pernah tau.

as yasmin mogahed said, this is a healing process. disinfect your heart. it is going to be painful but it is good for you.

i see it. i just haven't grasp the feeling yet.

may Allah subhanahuwata'ala makes it ease for me. may He protect our heart and keep us steadfast in His religion.

apa cara nak terima dan redha dengan takdir yang berlaku tak macam kita harapkan?
apa cara nak tanamkan dalam hati ni yang semua perkara yang datang dan pergi ni adalah aturan Tuhan?

ada perkara-perkara yang tidak menyenangkan mahupun menenangkan jiwa
in my conscious mind i hate it
but unconsciously i did it

kalau kita rbc kan iman, mungkin saja ini fasa contraction yang bakal menjadi recession
recession depression
the same sion

terasa sukarnya hendak mengekalkan iman di tahap peak and steadily expnading
there are times when iman got skyrocketed high
there are also times when iman shot down low

keeping istiqamah
Allah Allah Allah
help me...

for this reason,
i am thankful for the bumpy ride i felt last year
Alhamdulillah
Allahuakbar..

Alhamdulillah 4 months done!

whatever the outcome is, Alhamdulillah.
kalau sampai sini je, Alhamdulillah.
it was indeed an amazing phase, Alhamdulillah.


for the past year i've been saying that i made the stupidest decision last year. one after another. series of stupid decisions last year alone.

but recently i thought... it doesn't look that stupid anymore.
sure they were still stupid decisions. but today when i looked back, Allah has never actually left me alone. despite the surrounding i was in, i was still protected from getting worse of the worst. there are too much for me to elaborate. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah..

ondewei balik keyelle semalam bapak dropped an important lesson.

but first i have to tell you this. bapak is no fan of professor and phd. haha. it's just the people with these things he has come across that made him thought such way. he always complained about them being all talk and become so self righteous.

so bapak cakap lebih kurang gini lah,

"bila kita belajar, kita tahu yang the more you know the more you don't know. bila kita banyak sangat tak tau, last-last satu apa pun kita tak buat. jadi lebih baik la kita tau sikit lepas tu kita buat je. tengok kenapa orang-orang yg berjaya bisnes ni belajar tak tinggi pun. tu sebab dia tau banyak tu je lepastu dia buat apa yang dia tau je la."

fuh. that, ladies & gentleman, is more deeper than any ted talks i've came across.

so, like that mat korea yang layan makanan sementara duk malaysia ni cakap, nasik lemak is better than hotel buffet. because why? when you have nasik lemak, you'll only enjoy nasik lemak. but when you're in hotel buffet, you have so much choice that you won't be able to enjoy the food because because you kept on thinking of other food too. so, nasik lemak is gooooooooooooood.

and that, again ladies & gentleman, how simple life is.

lepas beberapa tahun raya sendu petang raya terbongkang malam raya kat ikea, Alhamdulillah this year dapat la merasa konvoi. saya anggapkan ini rezeki dari Tuhan :)

i need magic tonite. 2 assignments waiting and haven't started my revision. mengg. recipe to fail T_T

aku macam menyesal jugak amik balik subjek dengan lekcerer ni hahahahaha i guess i'm hard headed like that... only learn lessons when lessons are the only thing left...

these days aku dah malas nak follow a few medsos account yang aku suka follow sebelum ni. entahlah. probably the bitterness or i'm just lazy like that. i mean, i used to like some of them but now hmm, naahhh. don't mind unfollowing. just want to sleep. haha

baru sedar yang esemen2 aku nak more tahn half are written while i'm half asleep. menggggg...

Alhamdulillah bertemu lagi kita dengan bulan Ramadhan tahun ni. makin tahun makin memberi makna yang lebih mendalam..

tapiiiiiiii, Ramadhan tahun ni beza sikit. sungguh, paling tak pernah aku bayangkan. i even said that i'd never doing it this way but here i am. Allah sure got unique plans for each of us kan.. huhuhu..

tak terfikir dan tak terasa pun lainnya tu sampai la hari ketiga Ramadhan. dalam suasana tak berapa nak hening. duduk bertiga semeja. aku bawak keluar bekal puding roti. azan. makan. masa makan tuh, dia punya feeling tu, fuh. syahdu beb. hahaha.. last berbuka dengan kawan pun masa first year dulu sebelum cuti sem tukar untuk synchronize dengan summer break. weiii rasa dia syahdu takleh nak cakap. macam masatu baru rasa. aku tak pernah langsung fikir aku akan berbuka dengan senario ni. lepasty syahdu gila tahun ni ramadhan kena kongsi fokus dengan perihal duniawi. aku macam, alaaa sayangnyaaa. and now already 21st Ramadhan. 20 hari tu aku syahdu je feeling kena kongsi dengan hal duniawi padahal aku tetap berfokus pada Ramadhan ehehehehe. except for 2 nights each week. hari siang tu cam biasa je hehehe.

now dah 3 minggu aku rasa macam cuti dah. i need to get my shizz together and move ma ass to complete some works. last year aku demotivated tEr0xX after midsem dan aku macam ni lah, khayal je hahaha. this sem tak demotivated seteruk tu tapiiiiii feeling nak fokus Ramadhan tuuu.. terus hilang pace. huhuhu... i blame nothing & no one else but me. next week dah final week dah. fuh it sure flies by so fast!! i really am not sure whether i'm gonna make it this time...

ahh.. senanye aku nak bebel pasal sorang ni aku folo medsos dia. dah hilang mood pula hahaaha. aku rasa kena masuk gua balik la minggu depan sampai siapppp kerja. youtube boleh masuk sekali tak? aku ni medsos boleh deactivate tapi lepastu bukak youtube hahahaha haukk betul.

anyway, just wanna say that i love my country and i love being a Malaysian!! u guys yang dah duk luar dah duk oversea sedap-sedap tu kalau rasa negara u guys duduk tu best sangat, duduk je la situ diam-diam eh takyah la nak merendahkan negara yang secara bertulisnya adalah negara warganegara u guys tapi u guys tak duduk negara tersebut pun. kalau rasa u guys dah tak Malaysian, sila la tukar je warganegara u guys tu. habis cerita. lepastu u guys nak kutuk pun sukati u guys la sebab u guys are not part of us anymore. babaii~

rasa macam tak lepas je kali ni. not sure how many times have i thought of giving up. again and again but here i am, barely able to survive this road i took. ada 2 kegagalan menanti tapi kita bersedia je lah untuk gagal kali ni. nak berharap pun nanti penat nak belajar move on dengan kesilapan sendiri. i really miss having partner at times like this. i always do but times like this is special. someone who'd be willing to hear me rant. Allah has blessed me with someone before. i am thankful for the time He let me had my way. now i just want to let it all go and live according to His way. aku dah taknak apa-apa lagi. aku harap kekal macam ni sampai meninggal & bertemu Tuhan.

aku dah mula nak masuk fasa kesedihan balik. mungkin ni rutin tahunan. sampai la aku jumpa apa pengajaran Allah nak suruh aku belajar...

 aku sebenarnya tengah tunggu nak transfer segala benda dalam fon ni ke komputer. penat la nak marah sorang-sorang sebab tak tau punca malware memanjang. dah berbulan ni. malas sebenarnya sebab banyak sangat barang dalam fon hahaha. mungkin ni permulaan Ramadhan untuk aku. have a clean phone. aci tak?

anyway aku ada lagi 2 esemen write up dan 1 correction nak kena buat. aku sedih sebenarnya Ramadhan kali ni kena kongsi fokus dengan komitmen duniawi. tapi tulah. dah aku pilih jalan ni. kena belajar untuk adjust & adapt la nampaknya. serius sedih..

tapi dalam masa yang sama aku sangat bersyukur sebab 2 malam pertama Allah bagi chance aku solat terawikh full. Dia je tau betapa rindunya aku nak solat jemaah after work but due to commitment i choose, i just didn't do it. aku tak rasa ada perkataan yang mampu gambarkan perasaan aku ni. just.. feeling blessed being able to do it.. and feeling blessed for being able to feel blessed.

ahhhh. me ranting as usual. fikir-fikir balik, kadang-kadang tu datang jugak rasa sunyi bersendiri. ada hari datang la berangan nak jumpa someone kita nak panggil baby saiyaaaang ke. haha. tapi makin hari aku makin belajar untuk jadi "terbiasa". aku belajar untuk enjoy momen-momen aku berkeinginan. dan akhirnya aku belajar untuk lepaskan je la perasaan aku. di umur ni, nak mencari jodoh bukan benda yang senang-senang. unlike 10 years ago when i was more open and eager to meet someone new. and had the energy haha. now i have baggage. i don't want a lot of things. i tend to cancel people out so easily and early. is it a good or bad thing? entahlah.

ah. phone transfer done. nak reformat. and new life tomorrow. haha taklah.
saying goodbye to toon blast. you've been a great companion until i was bored with you. thank you toon blast. thank you memories. i shall move on a little now.

Alhamdulillah presentation berjalan dengan lancar. hihihihhi.. walaupun i crap a lot but it was fine lah.. present.. not reading from slides okay...

just want to share this story.. tiba-tiba teringat cerita dalam 8 ke 9 tahun lepas. aku ada sorang childhood friend ni yang sama tadika & sama sekolah rendah sampai darjah 1. darjah 2 pindah & lost contact terus. throughout friendster & facebook aku cuba cari dia but faileddd. entah berapa kali cuba cari dan fail sefail failnye.

one night i dream of this friend. aku tak ingat secara detail tapi seingat aku, she was crying in my dream. macam dia terseksa gituh. crying for help. so lepas bangun aku pun cuba la sekali lagi search fb dia and guess what.. i finally found her! subhanallah. after all those years and trying to locate her online. aaaaand guess whatttt.. dia sebenarnya friend dengan kawan-kawan aku & punya la banyak kali aku nampak profile dia and punya la signifikannya kewujudan dia dalam circle kawan-kawan aku selama sebelum tu huahuahuaaaa.. actually ada back story hehehe but all good now.

i contacted her and sent friend request. reconnected and went to her wedding years after. she seems happy & of course i'm happy to see her happy. i never asked about the dream i had then and i have no idea if there's any reason to it. kalau ada pun, i hope that it's for good one.. like to push me to find her.

oh did i mentioned about my cheeky classmate? he's really something. he so remind me of my younger cheerful, no responsibility self. i think my friends can relate. dengan dia mintak ig lekcerer kan. hahahaha.. even my classmates enjoyed his presence. if he's a little older & a little more matured mungkin aku dag ngorat dia. but yeah. feeling died now. not sure when will it come back but i'll enjoy whatever i have while it lasts...

salam ramadhan. moga Ramadhan tahun ni lebih baik dari sebelumnya..

my head is about to explode from absorbing these much information. i'm not sure whether i'm able to make it but praying that Allah will make it ease. skarang baru nak doa kan!!! huhuhu..

anyway replacement class sabtu lepas (semalam ha ha rasa macam dah lama sangat kan sebab baca tak benti huahuahuaaaaa). so i had lunch with my 2 classmates both 4 and 5 years younger than me huahuahuaaaa hakak memang rasa muda je uollsss!! one china one ya local armpunk gurl. talking to that china dude has always been refreshing. i mean, he's a fresh grad and he does look so fresh!! hahaha.. he remind me of my guy classmates when were that age & phase. still fresh still innocent still have the will to get to know people around still eager to explore the world still felt that we could change the world easily!! hahaha.. lepastu otw balik kelas tiberr sebut "kaka kaka kakak" . ye dikkk memang akak ni kakak dikkk. hahaha.. selalunya deyolss dakdak china ni guna google trasnlate nak communicate. sian pun ada jugak dalam kelas ngajor dalam english kan. tapi tu lah nak buat camne. negara orang bahasa orang kan kena la redha miscommunication huhuhu...

lepas kakak, abang. lepastu adik. mama. bapak. monotonous gituh hahaha..

ahh.. i feel old. they always make me realise how old i actually am. walaupun mereka sering menyalah anggap ai ni umur-umur deyols jua.. hahaha.. ye dikk hakak ni nampak je muda tapi jiwa tu ada kertu sikit :P

i've deactivate socmed to focus on my write up. seems that i forgot to remove blog to. hahaha.. oh wel..

banyak gila benda nak rant kat sini. but i choose only one. hahaha..

tonight kita cakap pasal jodoh. kahwin. couple. ah semua benda tu lah!

you see, menuju penghujung 20an tak seindah khabar. actually tak pernah dengar yang indah pun haha. bila kau dah mula masuk umur menghampiri 30an, tiba-tiba segala kawan/saudara/keluarga sekeliling pinggang kau mula usaha carikan calon untuk kau. i am not sure if everyone is also going through the same phase with me atau memang Tuhan letakkan time aku sekarang ni untuk berada di fasa ini. i mean, you know what i mean i know what you mean you know........ all these while i'm still with him, no such thing ever happened! sepertinya Tuhan memelihara saya begitu rupa ya...

ah just sharing some that i remember. sorang member nak offer member dia duda anak dua la. lepastu marketkan ustaz hensem la. lepastu pakcik terus cakap "ha ada kawan-kawan yang kosong lagi tak" kat asben sepupu yang sebaya aku. also one time, a friend, out of sudden wassep gua "kau nak kawen takk nak berkenalan dengan orang takkk" like whattttttttttt. hahahaha. seriusli tak pernah langsung la sebelum tahun ni! while i enjoy it with a good laugh, i'm honestly not ready yet. biarlah hati ini terbuka bila yang lalu benar-benar berlalu. aiceh...

people around me are more anxious about me not getting married yet. i've come to term with myself that marriage will happen when Allah wills. seriusli it's only april tapi sedara/kawan cakap pasal nak kunun kenalkan ni meningkat pula ya. tak tau nak rasa apa. hahaha..

to each that come, buat aku akan terfikir. jenis overthinking kan. hahaha.. contohnya bila kawan aku cakap pasal member duda anak dua, terfikir la aku eee boleh ke aku ni ada anak ekspress. n the anser is of course a definite no. haha.. n then bila member tiba-tiba wassep nak kenalkan orang, aku jadi terfikir ee serius ke ni siapa la ni eee dia pernah jumpa aku ke. lepastu bila member marketkan ustaz, menerawang jadiknya aku stalk dan fikir eee takleh ngam la dengan orang macam ni macam bakal banyak kena berkorban perasaan je plus macam dunia berbeza sangat. oh mengggg.. menuju 30 ni nak tak nak memang kita semua dah ada baggage masing-masing..

in less than 6 months, some have called me giving all these comments for being choosy. yang main anggapkan tak kahwin sebab memilih pun iye. tell me whether finding righteous spouse and being clicked/ngam is being choosy? the person called me being choosy also used to tuntut fasakh but failed n currently always shared posts about her cheating husband. errrr.... i think u understand it more than anyone that being this kind of choosy isn't a bad idea?

i don't need to justify this but i honestly am fine being single now..

i'm not in a rush to get into another relationship. biarlah jodoh datang pada masa yang sesuai.

yang lebih penting, moga hubungan kita dengan Tuhan lebih dekat & baik. yang ni lagi penting kot daripada fikir jodoh huhuhu...

buttt.. i'm enjoying this phase while it lasts!! :)

i have a confession.

today i lose my starbucksginity. kikikikikiiii...

tak tak bukan first time minum stabak. tapi first time duk cari stabak sebab nak wifi nak buat keje huahuahuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. aku selalu la fikir eeee ape la nak buat kerja kat stabak kan boleh je nak buat kat rumah ke ofis ke kat uni masing-masing mesti ada tempat untuk buat kerja. but todeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hahahahahahaha!! well it's sunday. library closed earlier. the common area will also be quite sunyi. i can't focus at home since my personal space will only be available in about one week time. but i reaaaallyyyyy need to get some materials at least bergerak la sikit kerja aku huhuhuhu. after some thought (thinking really hard okay :3), i went out to find one!! hahaha!! man, stabakginity did cost me about 3 days of lunch. i did have my good one hour focus Alhamdulillah. manage to get a tiny space at the corner of the shop. man that's like a jackpot to me huhu. i'll never view coffee shops the same again after this.....

but still!! aku tetap tak setuju bab student study in mcd. study kot. it's group discussion. and fulltime student kot. at the very least, u have library. kedai kopi-kopi is like designed for business meeting & temporary personal workspace. not really for group work discussion... open space is more likely.

well that's my losing starbucksginity story.. which cost me a good RM17.80 *lap peluh*

i didn't went for the feeling of it. i really just need a personal space for a short while. huhuhu

next to me was a table of three. i sure didn't mean to eavesdrop but the volume and story, mannnn.. i can't help it. hihuhihuhihu

hmm. ape benda la aku nak merepek ni.

banyak je benda yang aku nak merepek ni tapi tu lah.. tu lah tuu.. huhuhu

anyway mari kita mulakan dengan betapa charming nya park bo gum nyiahahahahaha!! last time aku tengok love in the moonlight takde la nampak dia ni hensem mana tpai baru-baru ni tiba-tibaaaa la kannnnn.. tiba-tiba sangat dia hensem. hahahaha. boy. am back to crazying over k-celebs. it's been about 10 years i think. semenjak start asasi dan kemudian jumpa partner, aku langsung stop gilakan kureaaaaaaa. about time before hallyu wave infected people around me. seingat aku, running man la yang berjaya menambat hati orang-orang yang kutuk kpop. hahahaha. well.. maybe i was a little busy with life and i finally had someone real i could called as partner. kpop ni dulu sekadar mengisi kekosongan yang tak kosong agichewwww...

butttttttttttttt. since the space if getting empty again i guess that's the reason why i'm starting to go krezi over k-celebs again. hahaha. nampak dah pattern tu kan. layan je lah. but at 27/8, aku dah tak boleh nak layan k-celebs macam dulu-dulu. i'm going krezi but i got limit now. i mean, i used to go crazy over cute kpoppers in youtube and berangan them being my boyfriend (sedar diri berangan ok jgn risau) and so so so want to know about their daily life & want to meet them. but now even park bogum yang charming ni, i like seeing him smile (charming takleh argue hahahaha) but as much as i love it, i only view it as his work. and he has his own life outside of this. mungkin sebab aku pun dah bekerja sekarang maka aku dah boleh emphatize dengan perbezaan kerja dan kehidupan. mungkin jugak sebab kematangan atau puberty hits me like a truck gituh kata anak-anak tuiterrr. man.. working really changed me. hahaha.

well park bo gum / bogummy.. i wish you a successful career. and as much as i'd love to see you being a successful celebrity, i wish that you're healthy and happy with your life.. don't sacrifice your life for your job.. it's not worth it. your own life is more precious... i hope you're going to meet a nice girl who is going to be your partner through good times & bad times..

this goes without saying to all k-celebs.. i enjoy your performance but please don't throw your life away... sedih senanye tengok celebs umur dah 40++ single and selalu cakap pasal lonely tak berteman. that's why i hope that bogummy will meet someone nice that suit him.. entertainment industry can be really harsh especially some of them are being exploited. contoh kes dbsk dulu la. diorang sign up time budak-budak, dapat offer macam wow, lepastu bukan orang senang-senang lak tuh. so it's like stepping on gold mine lah kan. but too bad they were being exploited in such a way... mungkin sebab ni aku macam dah tak mampu nak fangirling sangat macam dulu. see.. me fangirling now is so much different than before. i view them as human and worker before celebrities. i guess working has taught me at least this much.

wow cakap pasal k-celeb je dah berapa perenggan haha. anyway bercakap tentang emphatizing bogummy, ada sesuatu yang menjentik hatikuhhh baru-baru ini. i saw my friends tweeted about not signing up for gomen & other job searching site. and then i realised that if my life hadn't happen like how it happened for the past 3 years, mungkin aku juga tergolong sama dengan kawan-kawanku itu huhuhu. i think, this journey has build me some empathy towards those who didn't have it easy in some aspects of their life. aku nak elaborate tapi macam malas haha banyak sangat dah cakap kat atas tadi.

for now, i'm taking life as it is. belajar untuk redha dengan ketentuan Illahi. belajar untuk sabar dengan perkara-perkara yang aku takkan mampu ubah sendiri. belajar untuk meletakkan Tuhan di atas segalanya.

anyway, i have an interesting classmate. actually tak la interesting mana tapi dia mengingatkan aku pada diri aku yang carefree pada suatu masa dahulu. zaman degree yang penuh lucu-lucu. tak tau la berapa umur dia but i'm guessing at least 3-4 years younger. at least okay. could be more haha mujur theyolls sering tersalah sangka ai sebaya-sebaya theyolls juaa :P . well it's going to end soon so i'm just enjoying my time as much as i could. moga Allah redha.

dapat berita member nak fly kerja di timur tengah ni fuhhhhh :P

back then lepas spm, boleh dikatakan membilang jugak la berita kawan-kawan nak fly. sekolah cemerlang dan elit la katakan. setakat berita fly fly ni benda beshe beshe jek.

dah 10 tahun rupanya. i guess i have changed a lot since then. except that i'm currently listening to monpachi chiisana koi no uta hahaha 10 years never went by.

ahhh..march went by really, reaaaaallyyyy fasttttt. rasa macam baruuu je masuk mac tiba-tiba nak keluar mac dah huhuhu.

nak taip terbantut je. babai lah

one litre of tears ni sedih la lagu dia... walaupun aku tak faham hahahahahaha

sejujurnya penat. time flies by so fast. dah pertengahan mac pun. i felt numb sometimes. kadang-kadang rasa kerinduan yang tak berpenghujung. ada masa aku gembira dengan kehilangan perasaan ni. datang masa tu sedih jugak. aku yakin. kita ni kalau dah lama-lama akan terbiasa dengan kesunyian. meninggal nanti pun sorang-sorang jugak yek...

aku dah buat list buku apa nak beli ni. tak banyak la rasa dalam 5 camtu je. dalam 5 tu baru aku perasan ada 2 yang tajuk lebih kurang. haha. man, i was unconsciously crying for help :B.

aku baru je ni baca balik apa aku tulis 6 tahun lepas. tiba-tiba rasa sedih... huhuhu... hari yg sama Allah izinkan aku jumpa dia lagi adalah hari  yg sama kawan aku meninggal. i was intensely happy and sad. i couldn't choose either one. a lot has happened since then. first time kawan yang pernah rapat dengan aku meninggal.. mungkin sebab tu terkesan sikit.

for a little while i enjoyed losing my sense..
and here i am now... enjoying being able to feel again..

tak tau dah berapa ratus kali tukar password ni huahuahuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

whole day feel like puking. even now.








ahhh. selamat ulangtahun membuat keputusan terbodoh, dear self. hahahaha



february, the month of love.
may we be blessed with love towards our Rabb :)

a failing paper esok
a haywire tasks i failed to execute

what a start for 2019




mungkin
dengan runtuhnya perkara duniawi yang aku boleh dikatakan aku look forward to
baru nampak Tuhan

kalaulah
boleh abaikan segala isi dunia dan fokus hanya nak mendekatkan diri dengan Tuhan
abaikan nak cari duit
abaikan kerja
abaikan perasaan yang tak kemana

hm
mungkin itu sebenarnya
mampu tapi tak dimampukan
Allahumusta'an




dulu anggap
habis ujian dah boleh goyang kaki
now faham
dunia ini pentas ujian
rehat goyang kaki hanya di akhirat sana
perkara-perkara yang mendatang ni cuma sebentar
kebaikan yang timbul selepas ujian pun cuma sebentar






so
please doakan kita tetap dalam kesyukuran dan sentiasa rasa kewujudan Tuhan
bila dalam keadaan senang
setakat ni belum berjaya...

assalamualaikum.

ceyy mulakan yang pertama dengan salam tengokkkkk :B

apa nak cakap entah. haha

it doesn't feel like a fresh start. mungkin aku masih terbawak perasaan berkecamuk dari tahun lalu. well, rugi la tinggalkan perkara-perkara yang memberi pengajaran besar dalam hidup kiohkiohhh.

selain pengharapan aku dalam 2 post yang lepas, aku harap jugak Allah tolong maintain kesedaran bertuhan dalam hati aku ni. bukan benda senang ok. lagi-lagi kalau selalu buat benda lagha huehuehue. i mean, when we're occupied with something, or when things started to go on our way, or when things are going on good and our happiness escalating, it's soooo easy to lose conscious of the presence of Allah..

so tu je la dua setengah harapan 2019. setengah sebab bawak dari tahun 2017 hahah. mengggg.. rasa 2017 baruuu je habis ni tiber dah 2019. feels like a dream gituhh hahahaha

anyway ada satu tweet yang aku kira bagus betul dan agak menampar juga. katanya :

umur kita ni bukan makin meningkat tetapi makin berkurang. semakin pendek umur yang tinggal dan semakin dekat dengan kematian.

my mind just blew!!!

syukur Alhamdulillah atats kesedaran ini. moga Allah rahmati siapa yang tweet tu huhuhuhu...

hurm what would i be thinking a year from now kalau panjang umur? am i still thankful or am i getting all whiny again huhuhu

i'm guessing 2019 will be dull and relaxing. dia macam lepas ko exam la. nak exam tu ko pulun habis-habis lepas exam tu ko relax habis-habis. tahun 2018 Allah bagi exam banyak subjek so tahun 2019 is post exam la yang kita selalu lepak chill tidur sepanjang masa hahaha.

or... exam subjek lebih berat? huhuhuhu... aku cuma harap akan pass dengan cemerlang la tak asyik gagal macam ujian-ujian tahun lepas.

ok ngantuk.