jumaat lepas pergi kenduri nikah kawan akak. kat dewan yang cantek dah mcm sanding punyer majlis. since kitorang lambat so kena duduk meja blakang. it was fine sebab kita tiga orang je duk situ.

then come a bunch of... kids. umur dalam lingkungan 7-15 tahun. one of them being smart ass was talking all the time about bits and pieces of current... stuff. like all. the. time. yang lain respond la pasal game and using i i i i. lepastu ada sorang makcik ni duk tanya-tanya hal akdemik. then comes a niqabist who talk nonstop wit that aunt. akak dah langgar-langgar kaki aku. i had to restrain myself from making fun of them. i do feel bad for a sec though. but really... how can you let it slide without making a few puns? hehehehehe. yeah yeah i wasn't the smartest kid in school.

and i can't resist till the end. had to say something to my sister. just to let it out of my chest. and for a short laugh. hehehehe. kids...

and today i realised that i haven't been talking or even thinking about getting married for quite a while. probably too much attention on my career and family. and the last post i talked about getting married was january last year! no wonder...

not sure if i'm ready now.. i mean.. i really wasn't mentally ready back then. i'm not even sure if i actually wanted to get married. sometimes i took marriage as an escapism to some of the things i don't want to deal (like ever) and wish for it to come fast. for instance, wanting someone to be my atm machine so i won't need to work anymore, or just anytime i wanna go on holiday and not care about the expenses (my idea of getting married is closely related to money!! haahah!). but most of the time (when i am actually sane, like not emotional at all), i don't think i'm inclined to the idea of getting married just yet. what's with the taking care of the husband and kids, being away from my family foreverrr, having to provide should the husband couldnt' fully do it though he's given all his best, all the incoming lifetime debt, life-changing stuff like omg it's much more than the list of why i wanna get married hahaha. the feeling is just not there anymore. not like how it used to be. i hope it'll come back some day. new phase kinda stuff.

perhaps the fact that i recently imagining the meaning of "completing half of the deen" and, by the mercy of Allah, understand it. and perhaps i should purify my intention to the right reason for getting married. still couldn't install it in my heart that getting married equals to completing half the deen. still more focused on the worldly aspects of it.

don't worry. it's not gonna be this year. not even know when.

i still haven't find what i wanna do but i now know few things i wouldn't want to. still an achievement, no? hehe.

selama sebelum ni aku selalu fikir aku seorang yang positif. jenis "look at the bright side", "there must be some ways" blablabla. tapi tahun lepas aku menemui titik kesedaran yang nyata sekali tak pernah aku sangka.

i'm selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, full of pride and a little rude. i need a big slap on my face and thank God well God did really "slap" me hard. all of which the characteristics not loved by Allah. perhaps i've always been all that and failed to realised it. i probably have said this for the gazillionth times but yes i am not interested much on what i'm doing now (as in my job). but it got me to this point. the point that kind of have been tingling at the back of my mind a few times but i refused to admit. well ego much aren't i?

i have said & write this a few times already but really, 2015 adalah tahun aku paling kuat mengeluh.

my mind was too focused on career which also happen to be something i dislike doing for now.
the year i let, myself to be ticked off by people's perception about me (see how self-centered i've been?!).
also, the year i lost my senses. it's all about me and just me. i pity those around me who cares about me. who also perhaps i've not been treating them with much care they deserve.
the year i've gained the heaviest weight (for now). i'm abusing my body. not taking care of it with my best and this probably is the saddest on the list.

as negative as it sounds, i'm actually really thankful God made me realise this before i die. perhaps He's giving me chance to repent now before deciding to put me in hell (nauzubillahuminzalik). i mean, realisation isn't an easy thing to achieve. i have to first fight with my own inner thought and fake conviction that i'm doing fine..

towards being a better person... who is no more selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, proud or rude..
and i can't achieve any of these without Allah.. so.. towards getting His blessings and love, care and most importantly, forgiveness...

around four years ago i was in a deep mess. it was a messy cycle happened again and again and keep on happening. i was lost. i couldn't tell what was really wrong but i know that something wasn't right. Yasmin Mogahed was about to get famous at that time. i read few of her posts and quite touched with the views she's trying to put her readers into. one fine evening, i simply click the play button of one her podcasts. Masya Allah it was by the mercy of Allah that He let me stumble across such beautiful lecture. something i actually needed at that time. but i did not hear it until the end. run out of focus towards the end.

and tonight i was looking for the lecture just to remind myself of what was one of the turning point in my life before. subhanallah I'm truly blessed to be able to hear it till the end tonight. who knows that the ending part is really what i needed now. same lecture different part.

i'm currently going through the same mess again. different situation but similar to the previous one.
and that this is actually a healing process rather than a punishment (i hope).
that the heart hurts for being attached to worldly affairs.
that it is learning to attach itself to what matters the most.
that i shall stop seeing the creation and see Allah instead.
that this process will happen over and over again.

2016...insya Allah i'll be focusing on shifting my focus towards the right one..

biidznillah.

kalau aku dapat simpulkan, 2015 adalah tahun paling banyak aku mengeluh tentang kehidupan sendiri. mungkin jugak tahun paling aku tak bersyukur atas sebab-sebab yang tak sepatutnya. yang mana ayat berulang ulang dalam surah Ar-Rahman tu memang dah sepatutnya menampar aku beratus kali tahun ni.

dalam keadaan sedar sebenarnya jalan yang aku pilih dah banyak makan diri aku. awal tahun dulu aku mungkin tak rasa apa sangat sebab Tuhan bagi nikmat kewujudan kawan-kawan yang boleh 'in' kat tempat kerja. yang boleh aku terhibur gelak berdekah sikit kadang-kadang. masa tu aku negatif sangat dengan environment tempat aku nih walaupun sebenarnya takda apa sangat. lepas tu syukur Alhamdulillah aku dah sampai satu point di mana aku sedar that i don't give a damn about everyone else in the office. masa nih masih ada member huha huha lagi bole cer aa hahahaha. kemudian aku makin dipercayai untuk melakukan lebih banyak tugas, which i later decided to run away to another place and decided not to pulak. well memang bangang sikit bunyik dia tapi macam tu lah keadaannya.

dan kini, di penghujung 2015, aku dah mula belajar untuk stress dengan kerja. tapi kali ni aku tak rasa nak lari macam dulu-dulu. aku rasa nak hilang terus hahahaha. 2 hari lepas aku kena bambu. biasa la tu. tapi kali ni punya bambu mai sekali dengan kerisauan mak bila anak dia duk pi jauh-jauh sebab kerja. lantas di saat itu timbul dalam benakku "berbaloi ke semua ni? berbaloi ke kena bambu? berbaloi ke mak abah risau? berbaloi ke buat benda yang ]aku asyik keluhkan?"

partner dan kak ipar dah pesan, jangan buat keputusan waktu emosi. dan mengambil pengajaran daripada perbuatan beberapa bulan lepas, aku akan fikir luar dalam, kurangkan emosi waktu berfikir dan baru buat keputusan.

mungkin sebab tengok classmate dah berenti kerja dan lari terus dari bidang ni buat aku bersemangat sikit nak lari jugak wahahahaha.

esok ada meeting dengan klien yang aku malas nak mengadap dah. knowing them, i could forecast how tomorrow's meeting gonna be like. dan aku menyampah sebenarnya nak pi kerja esok. my former (and still is) client, although a bit fussy at times, were better off working with a system. i keep telling myself that this is the punishment for me. and still believe that it is. this is probably the way The Almighty is trying to make me cut off the worldly attachment since i have been blindly attaching my heart to worldly matters when i technically know that He's indeed the only one i should attach my heart to. bukan aku tak tau. cuma kadang-kadang tu nak feeling tu datang kita kena lalui benda tu sendiri baru boleh install dalam hati ni. aku masih cuba untuk berenang ke tepian pantai.

sekarang hati aku tengah sakit betul rasa nak mengadap report. rasa menyampah. nak pegang report pun taknak. pandang report dengan ekor mata pun rasa geram dah. macam tu lah punya silapnya aku meletakkan priority dalam hati ni. kerja dan manusia atas, Tuhan kat bawah.

May Allah guide...

:(

so i was on my way to pulau in the afternoon. aku pandang laut. tetibe baru terpikir berapa dalam la dasar laut ni. pastu baru pikir nun ke bawah ada makhluk ciptaan Allah. atas pun ada.

tu je.

partner baru lepas kutuk aku sebab tak pikir panjang. aku baru sedar. dengan cara yang tak menyenangkan. haha. sudahlah. kalau aku pikir panjang mungkin aku ngan partner pun dah tak partner dah. cewah.

harini aku ten si on dengan kerja. bukan pasal kerja sangat sebenarnya. lebih kepada ten si on dengan diri sendiri. dan orang lain. untuk julung kalinya aku tengok secara live orang memaki. well ulang tayang je sebenarnya. and i hate to be witnessing all these stuff. it's a vicious cycle of anger. aku dibesarkan dengan nilai kesantunan dan adab-adab yang mulia. it's sad to see how one could become with that little power and money Allah has blessed one with. dan betul la mungkin kalau aku keep on being nice (or should i better say no maki-maki) aku kena pijak. teruk punya pijak. orang nampak kita easy target.

dan aku tak sampai hati nak main kotor. or one would say full of tactics. i'm not that kind. aku tak boleh nak tenang kalau trick orang untuk dapatkan apa aku nak. berapa jauh sangat la boleh pergi dengan benda yang aku dapat tu. tak bawak mati pun. aku tak boleh nak game atau manipulate orang untuk kesukaan aku sendiri. can't even do it even if it's not for me.

aku taknak pun job yang aku perlu memaki maki orang supaya kerja siap. aku tak suka memaki. aku sebolehnya cuba untuk rasional dan bertenang dalam menyelesaikan tugas. but i'm surrounded with this kind of shit and there come times when i lost. i lost big time. aku disedut dan terjadi seperti tahi yang aku benci.

aku kena balajar untuk melangkah. melangkah menjadi manusia yang redha dan lebih berpegang kepada ketentuan Illahi.

dan kesimpulannya hari ini, i hate my job.