remember in the last post i said i've had uncertainties? well guess what. it grows!! hahaha...

i made plan for september which made me go actively seeking for another thing before september starts. also, i have another 2 plans upcoming in september and november. and out of a sudden, something else intervene...which leads me here. hahaha..

anyway, i'm feeling a bit low today. i got the news yesterday and can't stop thinking about it ever since. this is february all over again. an upcoming offer. a very tasty looking opportunity. and a crushed me looking for an exit. it feels different this time. sure it lingers too. but rather than getting all over the cloud, i'm going further deep below 6 feet under real fast. it doesn't felt like a dejavu but seems like one. i've had hunch a week or two ago that i'm gonna do it again while my parents are going away this time. hahaha. i get that hunch though it isn't strong.

i accidentally found a related list. it wasn't a shocked but it was uncalled for. today, i went through the list and saw a familiar name. and the onion me of course contacted the name and voila! i was correct. i also realised the names sound pretty modern. not 2000s modern but modern enough hence they might've been younger than me. and i was right hahahaha.. my source even told me that the others are pretty much strong contenders. told her i felt like a kure-kure and she felt like she's labi-labi. geng. hahaha.. i felt defeated even before starting the war. well it wasn't a war but i haven't been on these kind of competition say...10 years ago!? well... i don't feel like competing. i've been silently competing with myself about one & a half year ago... job hunting... and it was tiring. yet humbling.

right now, i kind of regret telling my parents earlier on lol should've just wait after it happened hahaha.. well.. the usual me..

being mid 20s and moving towards 30, i think, i've grown quite a bit. you know.. you listened to the hard life experienced by those who have succeed.. or the stories from those from old age.. of how they gained wisdom and became who they are today. but it's so different when you experienced it yourself... or see you friends/family going through it...

until now, i've seen family struggling to get up & go on after choosing the path of life he wished.. and got beaten down over and over again. friends got married. divorced. going through a long period of unemployment with no hope of landing a job. and settled for whatever's coming. friends started business and steadily going. friends started business and failed just within a short period of time. friends wanting an exit from their crappy job. lost loved ones...

it's different.. bila ko dengar cerita tu dan ambik pengajaran lepas cerita tu dah selesai dengan ko sama-sama tengok atau lalui cerita tu dari mula sampai entah bila dia akan tamat...

why am i contemplating such things..hahaha.. maybe.. because i'm among the older candidates in the list that made me think things through. i'm not sure whether i'm the oldest or there are other older ones.. but it made me realise that as you get older, you get a little wiser. this isn't something you just learn in class or from reading. it comes from life experience.. and there's only one way to learn it.

live.

hm. janggal lak nak menaip. haha.

hello hello ada stranger baca ke ni? or any friends? :B

i don't remember exactly but i think i was 13 when i started blogging. more like public journal. oh God. can't make it public anymore. hahahaha. best part is, it's still on! hehehehe. no am never gonna share it. it's definitely my sanctuary!! it's more than a decade already and i cherish it so much. dari zaman blogger.com/start okay. aku kenal blog pun through 3R. terus try. oh my 3R so nostalgic >.<". this is the first time ever i'm writing it down in my not so private space.

cuma masalahnya sekarang, email yang aku guna untuk blog tu dah tak pakai tapi takleh tukar email huhuhuhu. takpe lah. i'll use it as long as i can. kalau satu masa nanti Allah kata udah udah ler tu maka udah udah ler aku huhuhuhu..

my life is currently full of uncertainties. but as uncertain as it is, i am actually making plans ahead and now i am not sure whether i can go on with it or not huhuhuhu.. kalau cancel means money burned. kalau jadi means energy burned hard!! hahaha.. i don't know. i'll leave it to Allah.

aku dah tak boleh nak berblog dengan rage macam 10 tahun dulu. i sound old now. i write like an older lady now. i wish i still have that rage like i am 15 but i guess i was only hormonal :P. takpe lah. taip apa yang sempat je la gamaknye.

remember last time aku tulis pasal satu job ni yang aku dah lama aim and aku apply and got a straight not suitable? well guess what. my profile got viewed 3 times this time around!! hahahaha.. but now it makes me wonder. why was my profile being viewed but no calls coming in? i mean, if you don't like it at first sight, you shouldn't view it 3 times you know. or maybe your pc got hang until you clicked my profile the third time? well this sure is worse than a straight rejection. i mean, if i was being rejected than it's easy. i hope, it shattered, i feel devastated, i move on. but this 3 times being viewed is hanging me. are you going to call or not? if not then fine just click not suitable then khalas but do you have to click it 3 times and nothing happened??? overthinking much? wait till you have to wait and a glimpse of hope knocked on your door for a second with no assalamualaikum or goodbye hahahaha merepek ape laaaa. anyway, now i know that being devastated is better than being left hanging.

so... like this question being unanswered, most probably no answer until i receive an email saying the position is now closed, i'm going to gather all these courage that i have left, and embrace it. embrace this one last, probably the biggest now, question i am going to ask him. entah bersedia entah tidak.

tapi daripada entah iya atau tidak, lebih baik kenyataan yang muktamad.

please pray for me.
doakan saya kuat & redha.
moga Allah kurniakan kekuataan & keredhaan buat awak yang mendoakan saya.

am currently live streaming AJL. gigih kan. ni pasal jeles la tengok member-member share pergi sheila on 7 semalam. padahal bukan big fan pun. tapi tatap jelezzz tak huhahuha macam memember. my mom would kill me if i go. haha. well.. that's just me and my teenage self rebellion that never goes..

anyway..january was rather full of surprises. good surprises. maybe? i don't know. they seemed pretty good now. i don't know how i'd feel later. hihi. towards the end of it got mixed with a little drama. and again i let career filled my head in. lulzzzz. a change of career path, insya Allah. probably a less stable road taken but mehhhh.. if doesn't seem okay, i'd jump again. lulzzz senang-senang je bunyi kan. i don't know lah. i just am trying my best. i hope the best is yet to come as well.

i do feel bad about leaving so soon. they were even willing to take me in when i was jobless. initially i thought i'd stay for long this time around. but mehhh..

so.. hello february! counting down the days ahead. feeling how fast the time flies. will definitely miss this bunch of people (a little. hehe). didn't make much memories but praying that you guys will be blessed with happiness and good health. thank you for these past 9 months. it was good while it lasts.

not sure of what will happen. but hoping and praying for the best.

bismillahitawakkaltu'alallahwalahawlawalaquwwataillabillah

oh ye. forgot to mention. amma sama appa lately banyak pulak cakap pasal kawen. i mean like more densely than before. i think tak lama lagi aku pun dah habis idea nak balas apa balik. haha. i usually go with some playful answers. but you know. my creative side of brain is getting thinner each day. i'd be out of answer soon. hahaha. then i think again, oh patutlah mak abah dah mula risau-risau. am getting near 30 with no sign of marriage at all. no parents would sit still. especially with their kid rilek2 tidur2 goyang kaki bukannya mengejar impian ke apa. hihihi. appa hinted many times already that he'd be fine with simple majlis. no need to spend much and extravagant. well. me also lah bapak. but no groom how? wahahaha.

decided to close the heart section until further notice. i think i didn't include it in my 2018 target. actually, never put it in ever before hahaha. ok la. bai.

dah masuk hari ke-7 2018 dan aku tak buat sum up 2017. ini bermakna tahap malas aku makin menjadi-jadi. kah! entah lah. takdek mood tulis sini. btw ini tengah malam la aku tulis tu yang aku bajet 7/1 lagi. pape lah.

today has been a rather confusing day. 3 kali keluar masuk rumah. tak melekat kat rumah time weekend tu biasa lah tapi ni sampai keluar masuk 3 kali ni peciteeeeee. hahahaha.

hari ni jumpa balik kawan yang dah ade la 12 ke 13 tahun tak jumpa. dulu kira besfren jugak lah. tapi sebab aku yang takleh commit nak jumpa besfren aku, maka mereka berlalu bergitu sahaja. aku tak rasa nak awkward pun bila jumpa. yela. kekadang bila dah lam gilaaaa tak jumpa kawan, ada la rasa nervous sikit nak awkward2 nak sembang ape nanti. gituhh kan. so happy to see her. but quite sad seeing her current self. in so much stress. remind me of myself back when i worked in my previous company. tapi aku harap yang terbaik je lah untuk dia. semoga lebih sihat dan ceria dan gembira tahun ni  dan tahun-tahun seterusnya.

lepastu tak sampai 5 minit aku tukar seluar lepas sampai rumah, tetibe kawan aku yang lain wassep ajak keluar dan dan tu jugak. hahahaha. so random. ragu-ragu jugek nak keluar sebab dah petang sangat but whatever. try je. bapak bagi green light habis. mak lampu kuning hahahahaha. end up i was out till about 10. rasa bersalah jugak. tapi dah berlalu. mungkin tak dapat berjimba sangat dalam masa terdekat ni memandangkan prestasi hari ni kurang memuaskan hahahaha.

so happy for the meet & greet session today. eleh apo bondo session nama. but seriously, i do feel happy to meet my friends today. adakah 2018 akan menjadi tahun aku re-connect dengan kawan-kawan lama? wah that sounds pretty fun.

but...

needless to say...

khamis ke jumaat adalah 24 jam yang tak best bagi aku. sedih pun ade jugak. started with trying to apply for this job at this one company i've been eyeing for so long. this has been like the 4th time am trying to apply for a job at that company. entah kenapa aku rasa gigih sangat nak apply situ entah. mungkin aku teruja nak get involve dengan projek-projek yang mereka jalankan.

anyway, bulan 12 haritu aku nampak satu iklan kat jobstreet. aku terrrrapply sebelum baca habis. lepas aku baca balik semua job description & requirement dia, aku decide untuk withdraw. mainly cause i feel like i can't fill the requirements. then rabu baru ni aku nampak balik iklan tu kat jobstreet. aku macam ehhhh.. aritu siap dah email kat aku cakap position closed kot. haha. so setelah 24 jam berfikir dan menganalisis keupayaan diri, aku decide untuk cuba apply cause i can see myself struggling yet strive while holding this position. actually kerja yang sama je aku buat sekarang. cuma different scope. and they want quite an amount of experience. lepas apply kat jobstreet, aku gugel lah nak tengok sikit pasal company ni. then termasuk page job listing untuk untak parent company dia. baru aku ingat. aku pernah apply situ through the website directly. ok lah aku update blablabla then bila nak apply, i was so so so so devastated seeing that i can't actually apply for it due to lack of number of years for experience. kecewa gila kot. sebab aku dah analisis JD dia dan sebenarnya aku sedikit sebanyak kena dengan requirement yang dia nak. cuma tu lah. number of years tak cukup. so aku (mungkin) pasrah. aku biar je lah. then tadi aku bukak balik jobstreet. in the end sebelum exit, aku beranikan diri nak tengok apa status application aku haritu.

a straight "Not Suitable".

yes they process pretty fast (kalau ikut pengalaman sebelum ni).

2 kali beb patah hati minggu ni. ngantuk pun sempat rasa patah hati. terbayang-bayang ikon "Not Suitable" tu dalam benak aku sekarang ni. dihiasi nama position yg aku apply tu. hu. hu.

not suitable beb. for something you actually want. frust. tak menonggeng. tapi maintain frust.

jumaat juga, pagi-pagi dah kena dengan bos. hilang mood kerja jumaat.

petang, cuba pegi kafe yang jual buku. i think i really need the motivation in that book at that time. sampai kedai, stok habis.

habisssssss.

excuse me while i wrap myself in blanket. please do hand me a cup of tea.

so dah sampai hari terakhir 2017. dah minit-minit terakhir pun. hahah.

erm. dah dalam 2 minggu jugak aku fikir apa aku nak sum up kan 2017 ni. dah godek post lama 2 3 4 5 6 kali. dah fikir-fikir. dan masih gagal untuk buat ringkasan macam tahun-tahun sudah. this is new. or maybe, i just had get it over with and forget about them.

kalau 2015 aku mengeluh, 2016 aku belajar bersyukur, 2017 mungkin boleh aku katakan tahun aku belajar menghargai kesihatan. tahun paling banyak aku pergi hospital (setakat ni). dan berkali-kali dahi jatuh bersujud kepada Yang Maha Esa atas sebab-musabab yang entah aku tak tau nak karang macam mana.

untuk 2018, satu je lah aku harap. orang-orang yang aku sayang (dan diri aku sekali la) sentiasa dilindungi dari penyakit dan sentiasa sihat walafiat. untuk 2018 aku nak buat target. mungkin next post insya Allah. alah berapa minti je lagi nak masuk tahun depan.

harapan-harapan yang tersimpul mati. nanti aku karang ok. nak kejar tarikh post hari ni. kuang3.

nengok movie tadi siang. cerita romentik gicheww. then ada scene couple tu pergi dating. jalan-jalan. then it hit me that i don't know how to do those things anymore. you know.. falling in love, getting all giddy and go on dates. or just going out with friends and talk. i don't do talking anymore these days. to strangers i mean. talking to friends, well i could go on for hours. but that's only applicable for my really, really close friends. kawan yang jarang jumpa, i think i'll freeze up. see that's the thing. i don't talk as much anymore. tambahan pula dah tak rutin bergayut-gayut. what have i become uhuhuhuhu.

anyway, i think i'm not interested to start new relationship or make new friends. too lazy to think of what to talk about. kalau naik public transport pun aku cucuk telinga dengar sesuatu dan malas nak tegur orang sekeliling. lagi pulak sekarang dah rutin naik public. huhuhu.

my life is going on a straight line. plain. boring. and i'm enjoying it. no new adventure needed. cukup la nak sesuaikan diri dengan environment keje baru. aku rasa tu la penyebabnya aku malas nak into new relationship of any sort. bitter old woman. hahaha. seriously. malas.

Am using phone. So weird. Got no taptaptap sound.

Been scrolling through instagram n twitter a lot. Friends are either sharing n ranting about marriage, their children, work stuff or them being youthful & enjoying life with friends and whatnot. Truthfutlly am a bit jealous looking at y'all's photos enjoying time going to concerts, sleepover or just eating out with friends. Here i am. Neither married with kids nor being youthful but appeared to be both.

Am i complaining? I'm not sure. It sure felt like re-livin my early 20s. Except i'm older now. I remembered seeing photos shared online of my friends going out without me and felt left out. There i learned that i shouldn't shove my hapiness or simply anything online or even in real life cause unknowingly, someone might felt what i felt then. It's best to be thankful for the good times and silently pray everyone else would have them too.

Wow. I really don't like blogging on the phone. Not in google format either. I miss blogger.com/start 10 years back.