so dah sampai hari terakhir 2017. dah minit-minit terakhir pun. hahah.

erm. dah dalam 2 minggu jugak aku fikir apa aku nak sum up kan 2017 ni. dah godek post lama 2 3 4 5 6 kali. dah fikir-fikir. dan masih gagal untuk buat ringkasan macam tahun-tahun sudah. this is new. or maybe, i just had get it over with and forget about them.

kalau 2015 aku mengeluh, 2016 aku belajar bersyukur, 2017 mungkin boleh aku katakan tahun aku belajar menghargai kesihatan. tahun paling banyak aku pergi hospital (setakat ni). dan berkali-kali dahi jatuh bersujud kepada Yang Maha Esa atas sebab-musabab yang entah aku tak tau nak karang macam mana.

untuk 2018, satu je lah aku harap. orang-orang yang aku sayang (dan diri aku sekali la) sentiasa dilindungi dari penyakit dan sentiasa sihat walafiat. untuk 2018 aku nak buat target. mungkin next post insya Allah. alah berapa minti je lagi nak masuk tahun depan.

harapan-harapan yang tersimpul mati. nanti aku karang ok. nak kejar tarikh post hari ni. kuang3.

nengok movie tadi siang. cerita romentik gicheww. then ada scene couple tu pergi dating. jalan-jalan. then it hit me that i don't know how to do those things anymore. you know.. falling in love, getting all giddy and go on dates. or just going out with friends and talk. i don't do talking anymore these days. to strangers i mean. talking to friends, well i could go on for hours. but that's only applicable for my really, really close friends. kawan yang jarang jumpa, i think i'll freeze up. see that's the thing. i don't talk as much anymore. tambahan pula dah tak rutin bergayut-gayut. what have i become uhuhuhuhu.

anyway, i think i'm not interested to start new relationship or make new friends. too lazy to think of what to talk about. kalau naik public transport pun aku cucuk telinga dengar sesuatu dan malas nak tegur orang sekeliling. lagi pulak sekarang dah rutin naik public. huhuhu.

my life is going on a straight line. plain. boring. and i'm enjoying it. no new adventure needed. cukup la nak sesuaikan diri dengan environment keje baru. aku rasa tu la penyebabnya aku malas nak into new relationship of any sort. bitter old woman. hahaha. seriously. malas.

Am using phone. So weird. Got no taptaptap sound.

Been scrolling through instagram n twitter a lot. Friends are either sharing n ranting about marriage, their children, work stuff or them being youthful & enjoying life with friends and whatnot. Truthfutlly am a bit jealous looking at y'all's photos enjoying time going to concerts, sleepover or just eating out with friends. Here i am. Neither married with kids nor being youthful but appeared to be both.

Am i complaining? I'm not sure. It sure felt like re-livin my early 20s. Except i'm older now. I remembered seeing photos shared online of my friends going out without me and felt left out. There i learned that i shouldn't shove my hapiness or simply anything online or even in real life cause unknowingly, someone might felt what i felt then. It's best to be thankful for the good times and silently pray everyone else would have them too.

Wow. I really don't like blogging on the phone. Not in google format either. I miss blogger.com/start 10 years back.

wow blog ni dah 4 tahun. satu pencapaian. haha.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

dah banyak kali taip padam taip padam tak jadi2 nak tweet. entah.

in between satu malam yang tiba-tiba kat hospital,
2 malam baby nangis sepanjang malam,
2 siang yang panjang dan merisaukan,
dan aku yang entah ke kiri entah ke kanan.

antara kesyukuran adalah kerja yang tak demanding off office hour macam dulu. setakat ni. haha. Alhamdulillah.

sebenarnya aku pun tak tau nak describe. semuanya laju berlalu. dan aku yang kaku. kau tau perasaan yang takde perasaan? numb. kebas. macam tu lah rasanya. makin kebas, makin mudah rasa nak bergelak ketawa. dan menangis. tanpa rasa. tanpa jiwa.

banyak kali tersinggah dalam fikiran aku. setahun yang lalu dan setahun yang kini. setahun yang tak terjangka mana aku hari ni. who knows i'm an mrt regular now. who knows i'd be working in area i've always wanted to avoid and not hating it as much as i thought i would. haha. who knows i'd feel that not getting married is fine and not just trying to hard to convince myself that it is. it feels so surreal to reflect back on what i had then and now. all praises due to Allah, yang mengatur hidup ini dengan penuh hikmah.

i just realised that when i fall, i fall real hard. i'd give anything and everything and it's only for the one and that one to know. i don't do blind dates. i don't do exchanging numbers and try to see if it's working. i just go serious and straightforward. i guess i knew now why it feels fine. masa baru-baru masuk hari tu ade la persoalan-persoalan status relationship (which is so weird because people don't really asked me before). i guess it's a thing there. declaring one's status. which is weird for me since i don't actually admit to having one before. i guess that trying to preserve it forever is more important than declaring to the world.

sebenarnya aku masih lagi prefer blogger.com/start yang asal berbanding blogger google account ni kbaibai.

i don't remember what was on my mind a year ago. but i was either feeling anxious or thankful.

it's been 2 months. new daily routine. a fixed one, again. less resentment, more accepting. i've probably unconsciously aged more than i thought. haha. Alhamdulillah. so far so good. it's enough if i could be thankful and only prioritize God with every steps that i take.

sedar atau tak, Tuhan dah makbulkan doa-doa aku yang terucap dan tersimpan. dengan hikmah-hikmah manis yang tersembunyi dan nyata.

Allahuakbar.

on the side note, boleh tahan banyak jugak kawan-kawan nak kawin dalam masa terdekat ni. yang baru kahwin pun ramai. hihu. i'm happy for every single one of you :) . termasuklah crush-crush lama yang tak pernah kesampaian hahahahaha. honestly, it feels like a closure hearing the news. mula-mula memang la rasa ala-ala patah hati gichewww hahahaha. but after a moment of telling yourself that no no not my rezeki then it's all good. hehehehe.

entah mana aku baca. rasa macam dari ig ku rina. ke blog dia. saying that, being a muslim doesn't mean that you have to deny that you're feeling sad and hopeless. but it is about directing that feelings towards the right way. yes you're sad. yes you're mad. yes you so hope that it doesn't happen. accept that. accept the fact that you're a human with feelings. accept that feelings you're denying. because if you're not feeling it, what are you moving on from?

on unrelated note (maybe), i have imagined it for quite some time now. i guess that if i were to live the rest of my life not married, i'd accept that. i mean, how will living in denial benefit me anyway. i've had my fair share in life. Allah has and will bless me with so much i could never finish counting my blessings. of course at times i'd get lonely. but i'll just have to accept it anyway. accepting the fact that i might not have a shoulder to hold on to. or the fact that i'd grow old without ever feeling my own child massaging my back. or that i might be staring at families when they have their day out, thinking that ahh what a happy scene. as for now, i'm just thankful for the chance of spending my days with my parents while they are still living.

i watched knowing bros ep. 24 and ucop's video dedicated for his father's birthday.

a mixed of emotions.

to mami, to dedi,
for raising me up,
for never giving up on me,
for your hopes and prayer,

most of all,
for your love,
i can never thank you enough.

for not being able to keep standing on my own just yet,
for not helping you around as much,
for my rudeness,
for raising my voice,
to you who have taught me to speak,
for walking away,
from you who taught me to walk,
i'm beyond sorry...

you've seen me through my darkest days,
from not being able to do anything on my own,
till i'm the me today.

you've helped rise up to my shiniest days,
it might seemed like i was standing on my own two feet,
but your invisible hands will always be there,
unknowingly shown.

i'll forever be grateful to you.

i like to re-read what i wrote. i don't care if it sounds narcissistic. i wrote for me. i am my own audience. i wrote based on what i feel. hence why i've put any writing related career off the table, long, long time ago. because writing, for me, is an art. a way of expressing something i strongly feel about. i may train to write for people but i just to keep it as it is.

and i'm always glad i did.

Awal 1997
"naaaaakkkk keluuuaaarrrrrrrrrr!! tuuu!!! tu!!! tuuuuu!!!"
*keluar sebaldi*

Disember 2007
"kita ingat.. *mengalir* kita tak.. *mengalir makin laju* dapat... *dah makin deras* A langsng!! *banjir*"

Febuari 2011
"saya tak sengaja masa tu gelap saya tengah lari lepastu saya terlanggar mic stand tu lepastu tiba-tiba je dia marah tanya siapa yang langgar mic stand tu saya tak sengaja saya betul sangaja"
*sambil tahan empangan*

April 2017
"....................... i really just wanted to take some time off."
berlalu.
turun.
nampak wajah-wajah yang over-excited dan tertanya-tanya...... never mind.
*masih menahan empangan*


ada satu perasaan berulang.

i'll stay here
right behind you
right where my shadow was

for not being by your side
i'm sorry
i'll always be

you'll always be in my prayer
and i'll stay here

.moved.

some Deep Purple's songs would take me back to a 2 to 3 hour long roadtrip back to kampung. if you get some Blink 182's playlist, you're going to take me back to a short ride to school. with some Metallica, i'd go way back to when i just memorised multplication table.

i was told that my late grandpa from mak's side played guitar. i don't know if he was just damn good or plain bad but abang used to justify his hobby of playing guitar with that. abah, on the other hand, doesn't play any instrument. same goes to my other abang. mak and kakak are just not a big fan of music, not even listened to music.

.setahun.

senja nan merah, bumi nan asing.
tapi entah kenapa aku tak rasa kau seasing tanah yang aku tengah pijak.

berlandaskan 2 jam kurang lebih, akhirnya aku faham.
kau dan dia,
macam sambal nasik lemak yang kena dengan tekak aku.
pedas, masin, manis, masam,
cukup buat aku senyum, walaupun lain-lain tukang buatnya.

dari cakap-cakap,
dari gelak-gelak,
dari sindir-sindir,
dari mana-mana,
serupa!
serupa!
walau tak sama.

ada hikmahnya Tuhan hantar kau
ada hikmahnya Tuhan izin aku dan dia bertemu kemudian
hikmah-hikmah manis yang masih tersimpan dalam rahsia Tuhan Yang Maha Mengetahui, Maha Penyayang.

dan untuk hari-hari manis yang lalu,
terima kasih,
kau dan dia.

untuk kau,
terima kasih wahai ubat,
semoga Tuhan murahkan rezeki kau,
semoga kau maintain read a lot.

untuk dia,
terima kasih atas hari yang manis :)
kalau ikutkan rasa, aku pun tak mahu sebegini.
tapi itulah kata orang,
ikut rasa binasa.

semoga Tuhan masih izinkan untuk masa yang lama,
cukup lama,
untuk aku dan dia.


yang penting,
semoga kau dan dia tak baca ni.
matilanakk

semalam pergi kenduri kahwin sepupu, muda sikit dari aku. sepupu aku perempuan. sepupu aku baru habis belajar & baru balik dari obersi lebih kurang sebulan lebih. sepupu aku perempuan bongsu & perempuan yang last kahwin.
masa salam-salam nak balik tu ...
mak cik : buat apa sekarang?
aku : duduk rumah lagi. hehe (betul bunyi hehe aku buat)
mak cik : haa takpe bagus la duduk rumah teman mak blablabla (lebih kurang gitu point dia)
aku : *sengih-sengih kerang busuk* gerak luuuu mak cik.

dalam 3 tahun lepas, adik ipar kakak aku kahwin. adik ipar dia perempuan. adik ipar dia belum habis belajar lagi masa tu & belajar kat obersi. adik ipar dia perempuan bongsu. kau bayangkan dialog lebih kurang kat atas, tapi yang sembang tu mak aku dengan mak mentua kakak aku. cerita lebih kurang la dan point nya aku jugak. hohoho. lepas balik tu sembang-sembang dengan mak aku. mak aku sedikit sebanyak meluahkan rasa yang mana aku tak pernah terfikir pun sebelum tu.

mak bapak ni kalau boleh, kalau boleh la, tak nak anak bongsu dia kahwin awal-awal sangat. bukan tak galakkan, tapi nak bermanja lama sikit. macam nilah senarionya : lepas habis sekolah kau pergi belajar (lagi kalau yang jauh-jauh tu), lepas tu habis je belajar, atau belum habis pun, kau dah kahwin. bila masa mak bapak kau nak bermanja, mengadu, mintak perhatian & kasih sayang kau? bila masa kau nak bagi sepenuhnya pun? kau cuba macam mana sekalipun, takkan sama dengan situasi kalau kau bujang. mak bapak takkan nak say no anaknya nak kahwin, ye tak?

lagi satu, walaupun diorang tak cakap, walaupun diorang kaya & mampu macam mana pun, sedikit sebanyak, teringin jugak nak rasa duit gaji anaknya. benda kecik-kecik pun jadi la. belanja makan, belanja cuti dekat-dekat, belanja bersuka ria sikit, belanja, keperluan sikit. aku ingatkan benda ni untuk aku sekali.

apa-apa situasi korang lalui sekalipun, kalau mak bapak korang masih ada, hargailah. Tuhan Maha Adil. macam-macam benda kau boleh buat untuk diorang. tak semestinya belanja duit. kadang kau takde duit, kau ada masa & tenaga & keupayaan untuk sayang serta bagi perhatian kat diorang.

be content. be bless. be happy.

.unspoken.

today while scrolling instagram, i found 2 posts next to each other quoting "which favour of your Lord will you deny?"

while studying, i thought i'd get married right after graduation.
when i actually graduate, i thought i'd be working for a while, then get married, then be a homemaker.
when i actually worked, i thought i'd need to continue to work even if i get married, for a whole lot of reasons.
then i resigned.
i thought i'd be doing some less stressful job by now, not making much money but more content at heart.

back back then, i thought i'd be married by now, holding my child and only be thinking of taking care of my family, not thinking of working at all. i thought the idea of being a fulltime homemaker was fixed.

till date, my life, has so far, gone not according to what i imagine.

i've been planning, re-planning, and keep on re-planning. i've been dreaming, re-dreaming, and keep on re-dreaming. i won't lie. it's like, you cannot stop a kid from being curious and wanting to try everything in front of them.

i know for a fact that life doesn't go according to how we want it to but it will eventually work out just fine. but  giving up dreams, redha and being just content with what Allah has been blessing me with, is more than .... words. or.. easier said than done.

successful people always give quote saying such things like never stop dreaming, you're almost there yadda yadda yadda. it always felt less practical to me. i'm not grouped as successful people anyway. haha.

i have decided to give up my dreams and stop planning. no, it isn't a negative statement. i just want to make full use of whatever i have now, be content and nothing more than that. those over the cloud days will be gone. i slowly stopped looking or searching for the things that made me go beyond imagination. it is not easy. my mind has been stucked on them for some time and i guess, it is a good bye.

wow lecehnya nak log in terus hilang blogging mojo ceh blogging mojo that's soooooo 2007.

satu satu Tuhan tarik
antara nikmat dan sengsara
untuk tujuan yang tak pernah lain

sampai kau sedar dunia ini tak ada apa
sampai kau tak hidup dipuji, tak mati dek keji
sampai kau sendiri cabut wayar-wayar hati yang tersangkut dengan dunia
sampai kau sendiri cangkukkan dengan akhirat
sampai kau sendiri pilih untuk sandarkan pada Allah dan tak ada yang lain

dengan pertolongan dari Allah.

حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل‎

teringat macam mana Dia susun untuk aku belajar makna nama Dia yang sungguh cantik
Al-Qayyum

i just missed it. i had prepared for it last week and God has made my path easy but i was at fault. i should've mailed it last week. right there. right after the sky cleared off. God. i'm so slow and clumsy. i really am frustrated with myself right now. this is also not the first time. in fact, i've been slow most of the time, resulting in a lot of missed opportunities.

i had this ideas of some positive stuff to post here 10 minutes ago. and now they're all gone. much with the hopes and resentment towards myself.

i have a lot more to reflect.

I'm angry, sad, exhausted, frustrated. I counted the days and it doesn't feel so right. It's almost a month now but truthfully, it dated back longer than that. Eating unhealthy food for a long time will cause diseases. Probably incurable. Or even if it is curable, it'll take time. I think, negative words are alike. We feed our heart, mind and soul with words from surrounding. Negative actions and words are like unhealthy food. Bad in, worse out.

For the past 9 months, on and off, sometimes on for quite some time, i've been surrounded myself with negativity. My eardrums have been chewing rants and screams. Resulting in those few words described earlier.

I'm really beyond tired inside. I've come to dislike long series of questions. Like, if i say that the we will leave at 9, i'm okay if u ask me ONCE "are we leaving or gathering at 9?" But if it is followed by small, less significant, common sense required kind of questions, i'll get annoyed in no time. "So do we wear certain kind of clothes? Are we going to need snacks? Do we stop anywhere along the way? What time do we wake up? Has the car been filled with petrol? Blablablablablablabla." Maybe i was like this before. God. I'm sorry everyone who i might've annoyed like this before. I will change insya Allah.

And these days i hate people rant. Releasing stress is when you say what's been bothering you, ONCE IN A WHILE. While ranting is when you keep saying why you're bothered, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Do you how tiring it is to hear people's rant? Really,really tiring! Life is a series of events to be thankful for. Saying Alhamdulillah, recognize it in our heart that Allah is the one granting everything we are and we have and acting thankful for having to receive nikmat. God. I probably have been an avid rant-er before. During a certain period of time in my life. Forgive me Ya Allah. Please please please please protect me from being ungrateful and rant after this. Please please please make me thankful and act like one.

Regards,

The regretter.

i had this moment of losing myself in my own thought today. probably also because i read that freakishly long article on staying married for long.

here i am. past midnight. jobless. clueless. bujang as ever.
i wonder what will be on my mind a year from now. kalau Allah panjangkan umur la. haha.

it's almost 7 years now. man.. it never crossed my mind that i'd be in a relationship for this long. i never thought i have such loyalty hahaha. 7 years. 7 freaking years. you know what happened since we met? all my nieces and nephews were born. dari nombor 1 sampai 7. aik sama 7 jugak??). i finished foundation studies. i continue my degree. i graduated. i got a job. i resigned. i had time off. i travelled to a few places. i got fat with still no sign of losing them fats. well ym cease to exist. haha. and so, so, so much more i can't even think.

you know what's the significant thing happened? we both change. over time. it's inevitable and hard to look past it when you've been with someone for years. well. just this and that. characters. habits. hobbies. but responsibility hasn't been added though. i don't know what will happen then.

i don't know whether we'll end up married or as strangers (or strangely married? hahaha). of course, hope and prayers for the former and definitely not the latter. i've never got out of relationship. so, at 26 and had to go through it.. well.. it's kind of hard isn't it? things are fine as it is anyway. plus, siapa la nakkan saya ni. haha.

i have no point of writing this post out. man... that article sucks.

i'll be hitting 8 months. and no sign of going anywhere soon. but God i'm so thankful for these carefree moments He has blessed me with.

kadang aku terduduk di antara syukur dan gelisah. 8 bulan lepas aku yakin seyakinnya aku dah pilih jalan masuk yang baru. tapi semalaman yang pendek, perbualan yang terlewat dan sebuah kerinduan terubat buat aku goyah. tak sangka hanya sebuah perbualan ringan mampu menggoyahkan apa yang aku yakin betul. mungkin jentikan lembut dari Tuhan."bergantunglah dengan Tuhan. bukan manusia. manusia tu termasuk kau lah."

mungkin.

bahagian syukur,
untuk doa-doa yang termakbul,
untuk nikmat-nikmat yang tak terminta,
haadza min fadhli robbi.

bahagian gelisah,
untuk masa depan yang samar,
untuk rezeki yang mendatang,
innalillahiwainnailaihirroji'un.

harapan demi harapan pergi meninggalkan aku yang lali.
mungkin Tuhan menguji,
mana Dia di hati.



lama tak buat post-post macam ni. i'm getting my sense back. heheh.