i know i said i've summed up 2018 in my last post but here i am typing again. hihi.

bila aku ada satu perasaan yang kuat, samada perasaan positif atau negatif, i'd always resort to typing it out in my blog. untuk simpan perasaan tu sambil channel it out. that's how i've been blogging all these years. or write it somewhere.

tapi bila perasaan tu terlalu mendalam, aku gagal. jawa bilang, i can't even describe it.

macam tu lah aku boleh katakan untuk 2018 ni. tak terluah.

basically cried the hardest, can't even move, thought i'm gonna die, a series of stupid decisions and failure after failure.
semua tak dapat patah balik.
semacam mana aku cakap kat ex boss "job, marriage, semua takleh patah balik."

it has been so hard.. harder when you aren't by my side anymore.. hardest when all the memories we've had have been playing like a film without sound..

not until recently, very recently, that i started to embrace my circumstances.
dalam tak sedar, aku dah cuba ambil alih kerja Tuhan.
nak tentukan apa yang akan berlaku dalam hidup aku.
mulut berzikir tawakkal, rupanya hati berharap pada diri sendiri untuk mengubah keadaan.
lalai.
sungguh aku lalai.
lupa yang semuanya ni hanya akan berlaku dengan izin Allah.
semuanya pemberian Dia.

it has been a long journey back to Him...
i am mostly thankful to Him.
Alhamdulillah.. for all the rejections, heartbreak, sickness, sadness...
they all seems meaningless until i finally reached this point...
dan tanpa petunjuk dan hidayah dariNya, tidak la aku akan sampai ke sini..

i wouldn't say that i'm all good now...
but, 2018 is ending with a whole lot of new feeling of thankfulness in my heart...

laahawlawalaquwwataillabillah

sungguh, tiada daya dan kekuatan melainkan dariNya...

missing the ruh in al-haram... moga dijemput menjadi tetamu untuk menziarahi baitullah...

baru 19hb but i think i wanna sum up 2018 already. at least here. i dare not open the other one. or... i'm not strong enough...

entah lah nak cakap macam mana 2018 ni. jap check post 2017 haha

ok dah tengok balik. wow. i didn't realise that Allah has granted my wish then. aku berharap orang-orang kesayangan semua sihat walafiat. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah... hmm.. bagus jugak tengok balik harapan tahun lepas ni. baru la tertampar sikit diri untuk bersyukur.

dalam masa yang sama, 2018 ada tahun yang agak menguji physically, emotionally, spiritually. entah nak simpulkan macam mana pun aku tak tau. ni dah berapa kali taip padam ni.

apa-apa pun, aku tetap bersyukur sebab Tuhan yang maha baik dah makbulkan satu-satunya harapan aku dalam ni tahun lepas. untuk 2019, aku masih berharap orang-orang yang aku sayang (yang tak sayang pun boleh masuk sekali la) tetap sihat walafiat. dan untuk aku sekali la. dah berapa minggu batuk ni berkahak lagi.

aku tak tau macam mana keadaan aku setahun lagi. tu pun kalau panjang umur. huhu. aku harap dah tak sesedih sekarang. kalau gembira pun, aku harap aku gembira dalam keredhaan Allah. taknak sedih-sedih ni. tapi kalau sedih yang dekatkan dengan aku dengan Tuhan, mungkin itu yang sepatutnya

sementara je semua ni. esok-esok, balik la kita. chow~

i guess it's been easy for you... since i was the one who f up in the end.. and the fact that you've lost it...


it must've been easy for you.

sesuatu tentang hari ni.

kau tau bunyi sreeeettttttttt kereta brek tu?
today, i did it. almost. almost hit it :(
Astaghfirullah. Alhamdulillah. it was really, really close. tayar berasap jugak lah... dia punya berdebar takyah cakap la. kalau cakap kat bapak, mungkin esok-esok dia je yang hantar aku pergi kerja huhuhuhu...

petang, lepas habis sesi diskusi, aku menyinggah. bolak balik jugak tapi sebab dah takde hari lain, aku pergi je la. lepas rasa dah habis tawaf, niat nak balik. dengar jugak bunyi macam guruh tapi macam tak. menakutkan. naik atas, tengok luar, Allahuakbar hujan lebat nampak putih je langsung tak nampak bangunan lain dah. guruh dia takyah cakap la. tunggu je la jap sampai reda sambil makan eskrem. hujan makan eskrem kan. huhuhu. nak balik, tengok-tengok air bertakung kat area aku parking. uhuhhu. chow je la. jalan biasa aku keluar ditutup. keluar ikut jalan lain. sampai luar, ya Allah... banjir rupanya... :( syukur Alhamdulillah sampai rumah dengan selamat.

sampai rumah, disambut nenek yang cranky. biasa memang cranky tapi petang tadi extra cranky sebab tak sedap perut. teruji jugak kesabaran. huhuhuhu. Alhamdulillah makin ok sikit lepas tu.

out of all days, today i felt extra grateful. for all i went through today, perlindungan dari Allah tu... Allahu... mungkin dari doa-doa orang yang menyayangi saya...

out of all days, Allah is showing Himself a little bit extraordinary way today. Allahumusta'an. Segala puji-puji selayaknya untuk Dia...

rasa macam aku belum menaip di sini.

kasut, dicabut.
dah 3 bulan lebih. baru aku jumpa kekuatan, sikit.
aku malas nak cerita panjang.
sama macam mana aku malas nak cerita sangat sepanjang beberapa tahun lepas.
yang tahu, tahu lah.

yang pastinya tengok scene romantik dalam drama ke movie boleh banjir hahahahahahaha. jadi aku faham la apasal heroin familiar wife pilih tengok cerita romantik bila nak melepaskan empangan.

masih belum beminat nak melepaskan. mungkin bertahun lagi? entah la nokk. datang tak diundangm pergi tak dihalang. buat masa sekarang, apa saje yang boleh menyibukkan diri, aku ambik je. biar penat habis la senang cerita.

yang dinama rindu kusimpan,
yang dinama kasih kuikat rapi,
enggan kubuang,
at least not now,
kotak-kotak yang masih kupeluk rapi.

Andai Yang Memberi Cinta ini katakan sudah masa kulepaskan,
maka sampai saat itu saja.

yang pasti,
not now.

ily. imy. sm.

almost forgot password. Alhamdulillah thankfully dapat log in. entah berapa banyak benda nak berpassword tapi in the end hackers mampu tembus jua. pakai cap jari la sonang. haha.

asalnya berniat nak buat post ajet2 cucu suci. lepastu termarathon blog orang. lepastu rasa nak post benda lain. gicheww kan.

isn't it weird how borderless the internet is in actual bila kau sort of "kenal strangers" dan follow kehidupan diorang as if kau memang kenal rapat dia? aku ni dah aktif stalk blog orang since sekolah lagi. zaman before instagram, facebook, twitter gicheww. zaman-zaman friendster myspace tempat emo gambar vain (before selfie kita describe amik gambar sendiri tu vain ya XD). kira macam kalau kau kutuk dakdak wechat tu macam kau kutuk myspace la. before tinder we also had yahoo msn messenger. even before that we had mIRc. itu zaman abang aku dah. kalau ke belakang lagi zaman sape tak tau.

melalui zaman-zaman ni yang dah berinternet secara meluas la aku "kenal strangers" yang secara tak sengajanya kawan kepada kawan kepada kawan-kawan aku. dakdak urban la katakan. guna internet as means of communication gicheww. somehow we were exposed but yet protected enough to be vain on the internet. umur-umur remaja gitu. hormonal. tak kenal mana baik buruk sangat. nak melepaskan perasaan je tau tanggungjawab tak tau hahahaha. banyak yang aku "kenal" through blog yang membawa kepada myspace & friendster. somehow followed their "life as teenagers" stories. and sekarang, more than 10 years after, bila tengok balik persona diorang, buat teringat dan terkenang. all the memories of their stories, my own story.

ni semua salah kembar la ni jemput nak kahwin terus aku pun klmj. pastu saje pasang lagu dbsk kan. hahaha. what the. betul-betul nostalgilaaaaa.

anyway, dah kahwin mengandung beranak dah orang-orang yang aku stalk marathon blog theyollsss dulu. watching them bloom from angry teenage kid to woman now. i can't describe this feeling.

entah-entah ada yang macam aku dan follow aku dari dulu? oh my creepy. hahahahaha.

but if there's any, say hi to me. entah macam mana aku terletak dalam memori orang.

bulan 7 adalah bulan jiwa & emosi aku diperah, kibas dan sidai berulang-ulang. ape punya perumpamaan entah. haha..

aku dah cerita dengan detail kat wattpad. rasa malas nak repeat kat sini. tapi memandangkan aku masih boleh describe keadaan & perasaan aku, aku yakin la sebenarnya keadaan aku sekarang tak ada apa pun. kalau ada apa-apa, biasanya aku nak cakap pun tak mampu. senyum. dan berlalu gitu je lah.

Tuhan cuma tengah nak betulkan jiwa & emosi aku je. dan aku amat-amat bersyukur bila fikir sayangnya Tuhan pada aku. tak pernah tinggalkan aku sesat & lalai macam tu je. moga-moga tetap disayangi Tuhan sampai akhir hayat...

pagi tadi macam biasa la drive kereta pegi kerja. semenjak jiwa kacau ni aku malas nak dengar radio pagi-pagi. just me & my thought agiichewww.

the past weeks have been nothing but love. no, it isn't the romantic, going on a date kind of love. it's the love that's so far, far greater than that. incomparable. the love by The One who owns it. and us.

despite my crappy self in the interview, my little fingernail, sore throat, more disliking my employer & soon-to-be-rejected offer, i'm feeling more & more at peace.

aku dah cuba sehabis baik. setakat yang aku mampu fikir. i walk around the room looking for the way out. only to find dead ends, each and every time. more & more dead ends.

and today i realized that they weren't dead ends. it's dark. but it's not the end. when i decided to walk further, i only find that each path only leads back to one road. towards Rabb, The One. 

the door is open, it will stay open, until i pass through it.

the door is closed. no matter how hard i try to open it. it will never open.

i'm still in my healing process. it's going to take some time. even if i may have to sacrifice my wish. if the path leads me to Allah, i'm more than happy to do it.

today it also hit me. dulu-dulu aku selalu la baca penulis cerita yang tulis cerita macam-macam. menarik. as if penulis tu dah melalui macam-macam hal & jumpa macam-macam orang dalam hidup ni.

then i realised that i too am probably doing the same thing. sebabkan kerja, aku jumpa wanita bertudung merokok, duk dalam culture kerja berbeza-beza, tengok orang mabuk-mabuk lol, jumpa ofismate perangai pelik. macam-macam jugak la hahaha.

maybe i'm gonna be a storyteller too someday. a girl can dream right? hahaha...

remember in the last post i said i've had uncertainties? well guess what. it grows!! hahaha...

i made plan for september which made me go actively seeking for another thing before september starts. also, i have another 2 plans upcoming in september and november. and out of a sudden, something else intervene...which leads me here. hahaha..

anyway, i'm feeling a bit low today. i got the news yesterday and can't stop thinking about it ever since. this is february all over again. an upcoming offer. a very tasty looking opportunity. and a crushed me looking for an exit. it feels different this time. sure it lingers too. but rather than getting all over the cloud, i'm going further deep below 6 feet under real fast. it doesn't felt like a dejavu but seems like one. i've had hunch a week or two ago that i'm gonna do it again while my parents are going away this time. hahaha. i get that hunch though it isn't strong.

i accidentally found a related list. it wasn't a shocked but it was uncalled for. today, i went through the list and saw a familiar name. and the onion me of course contacted the name and voila! i was correct. i also realised the names sound pretty modern. not 2000s modern but modern enough hence they might've been younger than me. and i was right hahahaha.. my source even told me that the others are pretty much strong contenders. told her i felt like a kure-kure and she felt like she's labi-labi. geng. hahaha.. i felt defeated even before starting the war. well it wasn't a war but i haven't been on these kind of competition say...10 years ago!? well... i don't feel like competing. i've been silently competing with myself about one & a half year ago... job hunting... and it was tiring. yet humbling.

right now, i kind of regret telling my parents earlier on lol should've just wait after it happened hahaha.. well.. the usual me..

being mid 20s and moving towards 30, i think, i've grown quite a bit. you know.. you listened to the hard life experienced by those who have succeed.. or the stories from those from old age.. of how they gained wisdom and became who they are today. but it's so different when you experienced it yourself... or see you friends/family going through it...

until now, i've seen family struggling to get up & go on after choosing the path of life he wished.. and got beaten down over and over again. friends got married. divorced. going through a long period of unemployment with no hope of landing a job. and settled for whatever's coming. friends started business and steadily going. friends started business and failed just within a short period of time. friends wanting an exit from their crappy job. lost loved ones...

it's different.. bila ko dengar cerita tu dan ambik pengajaran lepas cerita tu dah selesai dengan ko sama-sama tengok atau lalui cerita tu dari mula sampai entah bila dia akan tamat...

why am i contemplating such things..hahaha.. maybe.. because i'm among the older candidates in the list that made me think things through. i'm not sure whether i'm the oldest or there are other older ones.. but it made me realise that as you get older, you get a little wiser. this isn't something you just learn in class or from reading. it comes from life experience.. and there's only one way to learn it.

live.

hm. janggal lak nak menaip. haha.

hello hello ada stranger baca ke ni? or any friends? :B

i don't remember exactly but i think i was 13 when i started blogging. more like public journal. oh God. can't make it public anymore. hahahaha. best part is, it's still on! hehehehe. no am never gonna share it. it's definitely my sanctuary!! it's more than a decade already and i cherish it so much. dari zaman blogger.com/start okay. aku kenal blog pun through 3R. terus try. oh my 3R so nostalgic >.<". this is the first time ever i'm writing it down in my not so private space.

cuma masalahnya sekarang, email yang aku guna untuk blog tu dah tak pakai tapi takleh tukar email huhuhuhu. takpe lah. i'll use it as long as i can. kalau satu masa nanti Allah kata udah udah ler tu maka udah udah ler aku huhuhuhu..

my life is currently full of uncertainties. but as uncertain as it is, i am actually making plans ahead and now i am not sure whether i can go on with it or not huhuhuhu.. kalau cancel means money burned. kalau jadi means energy burned hard!! hahaha.. i don't know. i'll leave it to Allah.

aku dah tak boleh nak berblog dengan rage macam 10 tahun dulu. i sound old now. i write like an older lady now. i wish i still have that rage like i am 15 but i guess i was only hormonal :P. takpe lah. taip apa yang sempat je la gamaknye.

remember last time aku tulis pasal satu job ni yang aku dah lama aim and aku apply and got a straight not suitable? well guess what. my profile got viewed 3 times this time around!! hahahaha.. but now it makes me wonder. why was my profile being viewed but no calls coming in? i mean, if you don't like it at first sight, you shouldn't view it 3 times you know. or maybe your pc got hang until you clicked my profile the third time? well this sure is worse than a straight rejection. i mean, if i was being rejected than it's easy. i hope, it shattered, i feel devastated, i move on. but this 3 times being viewed is hanging me. are you going to call or not? if not then fine just click not suitable then khalas but do you have to click it 3 times and nothing happened??? overthinking much? wait till you have to wait and a glimpse of hope knocked on your door for a second with no assalamualaikum or goodbye hahahaha merepek ape laaaa. anyway, now i know that being devastated is better than being left hanging.

so... like this question being unanswered, most probably no answer until i receive an email saying the position is now closed, i'm going to gather all these courage that i have left, and embrace it. embrace this one last, probably the biggest now, question i am going to ask him. entah bersedia entah tidak.

tapi daripada entah iya atau tidak, lebih baik kenyataan yang muktamad.

please pray for me.
doakan saya kuat & redha.
moga Allah kurniakan kekuataan & keredhaan buat awak yang mendoakan saya.

am currently live streaming AJL. gigih kan. ni pasal jeles la tengok member-member share pergi sheila on 7 semalam. padahal bukan big fan pun. tapi tatap jelezzz tak huhahuha macam memember. my mom would kill me if i go. haha. well.. that's just me and my teenage self rebellion that never goes..

anyway..january was rather full of surprises. good surprises. maybe? i don't know. they seemed pretty good now. i don't know how i'd feel later. hihi. towards the end of it got mixed with a little drama. and again i let career filled my head in. lulzzzz. a change of career path, insya Allah. probably a less stable road taken but mehhhh.. if doesn't seem okay, i'd jump again. lulzzz senang-senang je bunyi kan. i don't know lah. i just am trying my best. i hope the best is yet to come as well.

i do feel bad about leaving so soon. they were even willing to take me in when i was jobless. initially i thought i'd stay for long this time around. but mehhh..

so.. hello february! counting down the days ahead. feeling how fast the time flies. will definitely miss this bunch of people (a little. hehe). didn't make much memories but praying that you guys will be blessed with happiness and good health. thank you for these past 9 months. it was good while it lasts.

not sure of what will happen. but hoping and praying for the best.

bismillahitawakkaltu'alallahwalahawlawalaquwwataillabillah

oh ye. forgot to mention. amma sama appa lately banyak pulak cakap pasal kawen. i mean like more densely than before. i think tak lama lagi aku pun dah habis idea nak balas apa balik. haha. i usually go with some playful answers. but you know. my creative side of brain is getting thinner each day. i'd be out of answer soon. hahaha. then i think again, oh patutlah mak abah dah mula risau-risau. am getting near 30 with no sign of marriage at all. no parents would sit still. especially with their kid rilek2 tidur2 goyang kaki bukannya mengejar impian ke apa. hihihi. appa hinted many times already that he'd be fine with simple majlis. no need to spend much and extravagant. well. me also lah bapak. but no groom how? wahahaha.

decided to close the heart section until further notice. i think i didn't include it in my 2018 target. actually, never put it in ever before hahaha. ok la. bai.

dah masuk hari ke-7 2018 dan aku tak buat sum up 2017. ini bermakna tahap malas aku makin menjadi-jadi. kah! entah lah. takdek mood tulis sini. btw ini tengah malam la aku tulis tu yang aku bajet 7/1 lagi. pape lah.

today has been a rather confusing day. 3 kali keluar masuk rumah. tak melekat kat rumah time weekend tu biasa lah tapi ni sampai keluar masuk 3 kali ni peciteeeeee. hahahaha.

hari ni jumpa balik kawan yang dah ade la 12 ke 13 tahun tak jumpa. dulu kira besfren jugak lah. tapi sebab aku yang takleh commit nak jumpa besfren aku, maka mereka berlalu bergitu sahaja. aku tak rasa nak awkward pun bila jumpa. yela. kekadang bila dah lam gilaaaa tak jumpa kawan, ada la rasa nervous sikit nak awkward2 nak sembang ape nanti. gituhh kan. so happy to see her. but quite sad seeing her current self. in so much stress. remind me of myself back when i worked in my previous company. tapi aku harap yang terbaik je lah untuk dia. semoga lebih sihat dan ceria dan gembira tahun ni  dan tahun-tahun seterusnya.

lepastu tak sampai 5 minit aku tukar seluar lepas sampai rumah, tetibe kawan aku yang lain wassep ajak keluar dan dan tu jugak. hahahaha. so random. ragu-ragu jugek nak keluar sebab dah petang sangat but whatever. try je. bapak bagi green light habis. mak lampu kuning hahahahaha. end up i was out till about 10. rasa bersalah jugak. tapi dah berlalu. mungkin tak dapat berjimba sangat dalam masa terdekat ni memandangkan prestasi hari ni kurang memuaskan hahahaha.

so happy for the meet & greet session today. eleh apo bondo session nama. but seriously, i do feel happy to meet my friends today. adakah 2018 akan menjadi tahun aku re-connect dengan kawan-kawan lama? wah that sounds pretty fun.

but...

needless to say...

khamis ke jumaat adalah 24 jam yang tak best bagi aku. sedih pun ade jugak. started with trying to apply for this job at this one company i've been eyeing for so long. this has been like the 4th time am trying to apply for a job at that company. entah kenapa aku rasa gigih sangat nak apply situ entah. mungkin aku teruja nak get involve dengan projek-projek yang mereka jalankan.

anyway, bulan 12 haritu aku nampak satu iklan kat jobstreet. aku terrrrapply sebelum baca habis. lepas aku baca balik semua job description & requirement dia, aku decide untuk withdraw. mainly cause i feel like i can't fill the requirements. then rabu baru ni aku nampak balik iklan tu kat jobstreet. aku macam ehhhh.. aritu siap dah email kat aku cakap position closed kot. haha. so setelah 24 jam berfikir dan menganalisis keupayaan diri, aku decide untuk cuba apply cause i can see myself struggling yet strive while holding this position. actually kerja yang sama je aku buat sekarang. cuma different scope. and they want quite an amount of experience. lepas apply kat jobstreet, aku gugel lah nak tengok sikit pasal company ni. then termasuk page job listing untuk untak parent company dia. baru aku ingat. aku pernah apply situ through the website directly. ok lah aku update blablabla then bila nak apply, i was so so so so devastated seeing that i can't actually apply for it due to lack of number of years for experience. kecewa gila kot. sebab aku dah analisis JD dia dan sebenarnya aku sedikit sebanyak kena dengan requirement yang dia nak. cuma tu lah. number of years tak cukup. so aku (mungkin) pasrah. aku biar je lah. then tadi aku bukak balik jobstreet. in the end sebelum exit, aku beranikan diri nak tengok apa status application aku haritu.

a straight "Not Suitable".

yes they process pretty fast (kalau ikut pengalaman sebelum ni).

2 kali beb patah hati minggu ni. ngantuk pun sempat rasa patah hati. terbayang-bayang ikon "Not Suitable" tu dalam benak aku sekarang ni. dihiasi nama position yg aku apply tu. hu. hu.

not suitable beb. for something you actually want. frust. tak menonggeng. tapi maintain frust.

jumaat juga, pagi-pagi dah kena dengan bos. hilang mood kerja jumaat.

petang, cuba pegi kafe yang jual buku. i think i really need the motivation in that book at that time. sampai kedai, stok habis.

habisssssss.

excuse me while i wrap myself in blanket. please do hand me a cup of tea.