nampaknya aku je yg masih aktif berbelog. hai dunia maya. hai.

as of tonight, i'm preparing myself to take a huge step. one i've never thought i'd ever do. i am imagining so many scenarios that would happen afterwards, particularly ones which wouldn't go as what i'm imagining now.

i've been considering for about a month now. life on the other side, without such stability i'm having now seems unfavorable. most of which people would told me to hold on first, don't do it, just keep on doing what i do.

and for me, i'm not doing it because i loathe what i do. the thing which have made peace with myself long ago. this thing, the thing i'm going to do, would perhaps be because i think what's missing in my life would be the things i have now. rather irony.

and if i don't do it now, or if i don't ever do it, i perhaps might not learn the lessons i'm going to learn soon. it could've been the people around me are right. i shall not do it and shouldn't ever think about it. but there's also a chance that they are tad wrong. either way, the one that'd do it is me.

so here's me, choosing.

pray for me. may Allah return the favors back to you.

Dear Future,

you're mysterious. very. sometimes i thought i've known you long enough to hold on tight and never let go. but most of the time you gave me reasons to keep on doubting. to stop believing that i'm on my way. well i still am on my way. only that i do not have any idea where am i heading to.

please tell me i'm doing the right thing.
please tell me i am not stopping halfway there.

please.

Sincerely,
Present.

mungkin fasa aku paling tak bersemangat untuk meneruskan hari-hari seterusnya. i mean, not in suicidal way. cuma bangun pagi takde perasaan semangat nak improve kehidupan sendiri. semangat tu. willpower. hilang. not as youthful as i should've been, no?

jumaat lepas pergi kenduri nikah kawan akak. kat dewan yang cantek dah mcm sanding punyer majlis. since kitorang lambat so kena duduk meja blakang. it was fine sebab kita tiga orang je duk situ.

then come a bunch of... kids. umur dalam lingkungan 7-15 tahun. one of them being smart ass was talking all the time about bits and pieces of current... stuff. like all. the. time. yang lain respond la pasal game and using i i i i. lepastu ada sorang makcik ni duk tanya-tanya hal akdemik. then comes a niqabist who talk nonstop wit that aunt. akak dah langgar-langgar kaki aku. i had to restrain myself from making fun of them. i do feel bad for a sec though. but really... how can you let it slide without making a few puns? hehehehehe. yeah yeah i wasn't the smartest kid in school.

and i can't resist till the end. had to say something to my sister. just to let it out of my chest. and for a short laugh. hehehehe. kids...

and today i realised that i haven't been talking or even thinking about getting married for quite a while. probably too much attention on my career and family. and the last post i talked about getting married was january last year! no wonder...

not sure if i'm ready now.. i mean.. i really wasn't mentally ready back then. i'm not even sure if i actually wanted to get married. sometimes i took marriage as an escapism to some of the things i don't want to deal (like ever) and wish for it to come fast. for instance, wanting someone to be my atm machine so i won't need to work anymore, or just anytime i wanna go on holiday and not care about the expenses (my idea of getting married is closely related to money!! haahah!). but most of the time (when i am actually sane, like not emotional at all), i don't think i'm inclined to the idea of getting married just yet. what's with the taking care of the husband and kids, being away from my family foreverrr, having to provide should the husband couldnt' fully do it though he's given all his best, all the incoming lifetime debt, life-changing stuff like omg it's much more than the list of why i wanna get married hahaha. the feeling is just not there anymore. not like how it used to be. i hope it'll come back some day. new phase kinda stuff.

perhaps the fact that i recently imagining the meaning of "completing half of the deen" and, by the mercy of Allah, understand it. and perhaps i should purify my intention to the right reason for getting married. still couldn't install it in my heart that getting married equals to completing half the deen. still more focused on the worldly aspects of it.

don't worry. it's not gonna be this year. not even know when.

i still haven't find what i wanna do but i now know few things i wouldn't want to. still an achievement, no? hehe.

selama sebelum ni aku selalu fikir aku seorang yang positif. jenis "look at the bright side", "there must be some ways" blablabla. tapi tahun lepas aku menemui titik kesedaran yang nyata sekali tak pernah aku sangka.

i'm selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, full of pride and a little rude. i need a big slap on my face and thank God well God did really "slap" me hard. all of which the characteristics not loved by Allah. perhaps i've always been all that and failed to realised it. i probably have said this for the gazillionth times but yes i am not interested much on what i'm doing now (as in my job). but it got me to this point. the point that kind of have been tingling at the back of my mind a few times but i refused to admit. well ego much aren't i?

i have said & write this a few times already but really, 2015 adalah tahun aku paling kuat mengeluh.

my mind was too focused on career which also happen to be something i dislike doing for now.
the year i let, myself to be ticked off by people's perception about me (see how self-centered i've been?!).
also, the year i lost my senses. it's all about me and just me. i pity those around me who cares about me. who also perhaps i've not been treating them with much care they deserve.
the year i've gained the heaviest weight (for now). i'm abusing my body. not taking care of it with my best and this probably is the saddest on the list.

as negative as it sounds, i'm actually really thankful God made me realise this before i die. perhaps He's giving me chance to repent now before deciding to put me in hell (nauzubillahuminzalik). i mean, realisation isn't an easy thing to achieve. i have to first fight with my own inner thought and fake conviction that i'm doing fine..

towards being a better person... who is no more selfish, self-centered, pretentious, ego, proud or rude..
and i can't achieve any of these without Allah.. so.. towards getting His blessings and love, care and most importantly, forgiveness...

around four years ago i was in a deep mess. it was a messy cycle happened again and again and keep on happening. i was lost. i couldn't tell what was really wrong but i know that something wasn't right. Yasmin Mogahed was about to get famous at that time. i read few of her posts and quite touched with the views she's trying to put her readers into. one fine evening, i simply click the play button of one her podcasts. Masya Allah it was by the mercy of Allah that He let me stumble across such beautiful lecture. something i actually needed at that time. but i did not hear it until the end. run out of focus towards the end.

and tonight i was looking for the lecture just to remind myself of what was one of the turning point in my life before. subhanallah I'm truly blessed to be able to hear it till the end tonight. who knows that the ending part is really what i needed now. same lecture different part.

i'm currently going through the same mess again. different situation but similar to the previous one.
and that this is actually a healing process rather than a punishment (i hope).
that the heart hurts for being attached to worldly affairs.
that it is learning to attach itself to what matters the most.
that i shall stop seeing the creation and see Allah instead.
that this process will happen over and over again.

2016...insya Allah i'll be focusing on shifting my focus towards the right one..

biidznillah.